Redefining

With some space in my life the past few days I feel like I have been able to reach a conclusion regarding what has been bothering me. It is an age old issue for me and for many people, I suspect. I visited a counselor last spring and this is the main issue that surfaced, interesting how things have a way of coming back around. My struggle seems to boil down to worth. I am constantly feeling unworthy of the Ironman goal for a couple of reasons, the main being weight. Yes, I can tell myself all the great things in the world...I'm getting stronger, faster, fitter...but if my clothes don't fit like they should (or like I want them to), my worth as a person and as a triathlete is questioned. Thankfully I can recognize it now. I had a moment on my trainer yesterday when I was in the middle of a two hour ride. I was watching "The Biggest Loser" when they all went to the Olympic Training Center. It was powerful stuff, considering The Olympics are on right now. Koli was really bummed because another dude (James or John) went home the week before. Koli was struggling with his worth, feeling like he should have gone home because he doesn't have a wife and/or children like James/John did. Of course, I can sit there and see that he certainly should be there and desperately needs to be there, but he couldn't believe it for himself. I put myself in the exact same position. I have been feeling so unworthy of the goal and completion of an Ironman. I even told my coach the other day that I didn't think I was worthy of a new tri bike. What could make me more deserving than training for a *#@?#*en Ironman? Needless to say, I felt like yesterday really defined the struggle and has allowed me to pray more clearly about why I am sensing resistance. Just as I have learned that God needs to "make my paths straight" where training/planning/family is concerned, I need to trust that this Ironman goal is his and he is shaping it and making it useful for his purposes.

I have been very focused on Romans 12:1 this week. It reads, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship." I think of what it means to be a living sacrifice...that's not an easy thing, to be a sacrifice...much less a living one. I am not a scholar but to me it means that my life, my physical, spiritual, mental, emotional self is to be an offering and given to God for his purposes. And in doing that I trust him completely to shape and mold me. Is this easy? Absolutely not! Do I need to be perfect? No. Do I need to be seeking him daily? Totally, humbly and honestly.

I am so humbled and grateful that I can move forward fully trusting and honoring this calling I've been given, because I truly believe that is what it is...a calling. There's no way I could do it for any other reason. I am looking forward to the next two weeks of building, challenging and growing. I hope I will know new strength, resolve, confidence and worthiness.

Stabilizer blues

It has really been nice this week to mentally and physically take a break from training. I just needed some time off so I could process everything and be present with my family. Unfortunately, I tend to come unglued during stabilizer week. I have a little bit of space in my life to feel and see, and I tend to overthink things. Anyways, it's not been the easiest week mood-wise. Oh well, I guess it's my way of keeping everyone on their toes.

I do have good news...I'm splurging on a new Triathlon Bike...I am so excited. Here's the link if you're interested.

I am hoping to have it as soon as next week. I went to Colorado Multisport and got fitted Monday; they were very thorough and came back with a few recommendations. This one fits straight out of the box, so with a new saddle (I'm sure I'll need that), hydration system, and computer, I should be able to ride it very soon.

The kids are home from school tomorrow, so it's a three day weekend for us. It should be a fun time of friends, basketball game, catching up on Olympics and American Idol, lounging in the hot tub, and hanging out without much to do.

Can you believe that I'm nearly done with Week #21?

Cooked

I am cooked. Stick a fork in me...shred me up, serve me for dinner. I am toast. This is the first week where I've really questioned not so much fitting in the workouts, but will my body be able to handle this? It is the end of two weeks of build, one more workout tomorrow, a nice brick (41 mile ride/8.5 mile run), then onto my rest day Sunday. Next week is Stabilizer..couldn't come too soon!

Thankfully, once I commenced my workouts this week, they flowed nicely and I had the energy to complete everything in the plan, give or take a few minutes. My swim today was wonderful...it felt so good to stretch out in the water and just move..watching the black line. It was actually very therapeutic.

I am back to wanting to approach all of this with gratitude. I want to use each workout as a prayer...an opportunity to say "Thanks" to God, worship him, and bring people and circumstances to him as they come to mind. I hope to move some of the focus from myself and my pain/planning/fatigue to the hopes and needs of others. We'll see how it goes...I'll let you know. It has been hard the past couple days as I've been so tired and the kids have suffered my wrath, shall I say. They seem to be the recipients of my frustration. I have once again been humbled and will seek to try different methods.

Tonight a few of us are getting together to celebrate Eric's Birthday. Happy 38 years! It should be fun to gather and reconnect. Week #20 almost over...yay. I am halfway through..so hard to believe.

10 mile run

This morning, on account of not being able to get off the couch yesterday (oh, okay I did ride my trainer in the basement), I got to run my 10 miler this morning. It was COLD! One website said 18, the other 10. I will assume it was 10. I ran over to the track at the local high school as my warm up and did 4x100m in Zone 5, then 2x1 mile repeats in zone 4. It wasn't very fun, but I did it. Afterwards, I finished up the last few miles in zone 2. It was a lovely morning and the tunes were good, so yay...it's over.

Andrew and I will be leaving for the rec center here in a bit. I'll do a really easy 1000 yard swim while he has his lesson. So far the week is looking good. Eric is heading out of town again for a day, but it's manageable.

Being a Mom and Training for an Ironman

I am doing some processing today, which won't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. Today I had to make a choice regarding running and attending my daughter's Valentine's Day Party. Before I go into the ramblings, I want to set the backdrop. So, Eric's still out of town and I've managed to get all but the run and long bike ride in for the week...a true miracle..thank you God. My youngest is in preschool only 3 mornings a week, so this is solid time to train for me. Today, though, being the Friday before the "holiday", Claire's class had their party scheduled for 11:00. In addition, I had to help in Brooks's class from 9:15 to 10:05. Ordinarily, I would have busted the run out in the morning, but with Eric gone...not possible (although tempting).

So, this left me in a bit of a quandary. Claire was fine with my decision to run, and I dislike class parties, but I still felt that nagging sense of guilt (hate that word). I did do my 7.5 mile run and it was fabulous, by the way. One of those runs that reminds me of why I run.

I guess my processing involves a few questions that I have: How much time do our kids need from us? I am with them all the time when they're not in school, aside from occasional events. (Side note: I am very grateful for this!) Also, at what point should a Mom feel "guilty" for being away? What if I was getting paid to work for the same amount of time it takes me to train? Why is it OK for Dads to work full time, then have their activities, while as Moms we feel bad for doing something for us...even if that thing we do for us means we can be better for our families?

I understand the importance of being the "go-to" person...I get that and I have no problem with that. I understand the need for balance...but the scales often seem tipped in the direction of the kids. Also, this IM that I'm training for, it's just 4.5 more months. Will I do that much damage in 4.5 months?

I hope I don't seem like I'm whining at you. It is certainly not my intention. This is what perpetually goes through my head as a mother. If it wasn't IM training, it would be something else. I love my kids...I really do, but I certainly need time and goals aside from them. And I don't think kids should be put on such a pedestal. I think they need to understand that they are loved and cherished, but do they come first? Is that healthy? Can they understand the magnitude of that?

Heavy stuff for a Friday. On to get the little man from school and his buddy. Should be a fun afternoon...now that my run is over.

Mid week update

I want to write a little more frequently to chronicle the middle of the week feeling I often have, instead of the weekend euphoria of getting through the week. Some of the lesser sensations get lost in that approach. So, since it's Thursday, I thought I would give a bit of an update on how the training, parenting, surviving as a single mom, etc. is going.

On Monday I did my long ride indoors, in lieu of my long run, because of snow. Tuesday was a super fast swim because of Andrew's swim lesson. Got a bit of a later start because he was putting up a fight going to his class. I figured the best way to handle it was to tell his teacher what was going on and leave for the underwater of my workout. It seemed to work and I motored through it. Tuesday also brought a bike ride (basement) for 90 minutes early in the morning. I have found a new show on Hulu called "30 Days" with Morgan Spurlock ("Supersize Me"). It provides some interesting information and situations for me to think about during these workouts. Wednesday brought me to my long run, 9.5 miles. I managed to do 4 x 1 mile repeats in zone 3. To my happy surprise I've shaved about 20 seconds off since I started this IM thing. They averaged around 7:45 - 8:00/mile. Yay for me...improvement is the best medicine.

So, all of this brings me to Thursday. Eric is still gone, but we are doing well. I've not "lost" it on the kids...yet. I will make no promises, but I am doing my best to hold it together. They have been wonderful, aside from a difficult Tuesday night piano lesson from my "Lier Gril". I caught my daughter in a lie. At her piano lesson, after having two weeks of having these songs, she knew NOTHING! Of course, I had asked her all along if she was getting it, and she said yes. It was a learning experience for her and she has seemed to respond to the consequences, which included no American Idol for the night, and forgoing the computer for two weeks (her choice). She proceeded to write me a letter telling me of her feelings and signed it, "Love, Lier Gril". Gotta love it.

Today is just a short swim, again during swim lessons, and the rest of the day off. Whew. Tomorrow is a tempo run and Saturday brings a long ride...hopefully I'll have it in me!

The week ahead

I am sitting here at the kitchen counter, procrastinating on dinner (which is no biggie since it's pizza, burritos or tuna casserole leftovers). Eric's out of town, heading to Brazil for the week as I write, so it means I put very little effort into feeding my family. Why? I don't know. I miss him when he's gone, the company, the fun, and the break I get from the kiddos.

My week #18 (stabilizer week) went very well. I enjoyed feeling stronger last week, more solid, particularly in the pool and on my runs. It's a nice feeling because I wasn't sure if it would happen. I just thought I would be floppy for a long time. It is wonderful to see the changes in my body and feel more secure in what I am doing.

Today, the one inch of snow we were supposed to get in the morning before 8:00, turned into about 4 inches while snowing the entire day. I love the snow, but when I want to run in it and do mile repeats...it's not so fun. I was planning to do my 9.5 mile run, but quickly changed the plan to a bike ride in the basement. Two hours on the trainer...watched a movie and the beginning of SNL. Hopefully the week's plan will work out OK, there's no room to fudge...each day is planned out and with Eric gone, I cannot put any workouts off. Some weeks I have the luxury of doing that, but not this one.

So, here's the plan for the week #19 ahead. Hopefully it will happen. I will do my best.

Monday: Tempo ride, 32 miles
Tuesday: 28 mile easy ride/1550 yard swim
Wednesday: 9.5 mile run with 4-1 mile repeats in zone 3
Thursday: 1950 yard swim
Friday: 7.5 mile tempo run
Saturday: 58 mile ride (hopefully outside)/2.5 mile run

San Diego

Eric and I have just returned home from a weekend away in San Diego. Our main purpose was to see and encourage our friend, Dan, who is incarcerated there. He is a dear friend from college that we both respect and treasure, unfortunately he made some very poor choices a few years back. Eric started writing to him after we heard about his situation (once he tracked him down), about 2 years ago. Eric has been to seen him three times now and I have been twice.

Visiting a prison is very humbling and leveling. When we left, after a wonderful time with him and his mom, I felt like my brain was too big for my head. I feel like there are all these presuppositions and assumptions that are constantly being challenged and redirected. We are in a constant state of prayer for him and hopeful that he was encouraged by our visit. I challenge anyone who has a friend or family member that is in prison, to highly consider paying them a visit. It will change your life, not to mention give them the hope they may need to get through. If a visit is not possible...write.

San Diego holds a very special place in our hearts. It's where I went to college, on Point Loma, and Eric did for three years at UCSD. We were married after our third year (out of 5) in school, so we spent a lot of time dreaming and fantasizing about our future life together while taking endless walks and drives. It is a magical city with places to go if you want lots of energy or none at all. We stayed on Harbor Island. Early in the morning our window opened up to the Harbor and awakening skyline. It is a beautiful city. I did manage to look up some housing prices, just to see. Basically, for where we want to live, we could get half the house for double the price...doesn't take a rocket scientist to know crummy economics.

Anyways, we were able to visit with my brother, his wife and little guy. Plus my sister, brother in law, their kids and my parents came down for Saturday afternoon. It was wonderful to see everyone and experience my niece and nephews. My littlest one was a dream and filled my heart with everything it needed that day...what a sweetie. I now have a small understanding of what grandparents feel like. They can give the love, the time, then give the child(ren) back to the parents for the hard stuff. It really is a wonderful thing.

Our return home was great...so good to see the kids again and be mom (although breaks are always welcome). I love my life, I love Colorado, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my family. My life is so abundantly full and rich, that I can't help but write about it.

On a training note: one word...STABILIZER. I've taken the last two days off, so ready to hit it tomorrow....starting at the pool. Swimming is the sport of the week, so that's where I will be.