Week #7 recap

I am nearly wrapped up with week #7...one more long bike ride this afternoon, then it's over. I have felt so good that I have to be grateful. I managed to fit in 2 swims (1000-1300 yards), 2 bike rides (22 and 25 miles) with a 34 scheduled for today, and 2 runs (4.5 and 5 miles).

I look forward to next week, but it will be interesting to see how it all pieces together. The kids are home all week from school and we are heading down to NM for Thanksgiving. I will try to pack in at least one swim and two bike rides (hopefully) into Monday and Tuesday and run while in Angel Fire. It's wonderful to run there so I like to take advantage of it.

Last night, 10 HEPsters gathered for a swim clinic with our coach Craig and Neal Henderson of the Boulder Center for Sports Medicine (BCSM). We were each followed with a camera viewing our stroke from all angles and received feedback afterwards. Needless to say, I have a lot to work on, but such good information to have. It should be interesting to see how my swims progress over the season.

Right now we are having a relaxing morning as a family, ready to pop in the new Ice Age movie. I don't get many Saturday mornings with nothing to do, so I must enjoy it.

Holes: Part Two

So, I want to revisit what I wrote about yesterday. I was venting, very frustrated and in a hurry so I didn't get to fully convey what I wanted.

Over the weekend (which is rather typical for me) I was in a state of longing. I felt like a piece of swiss cheese, just full of holes. I wanted this and didn't want to do that...blah, blah, blah. The internal dialogue was exhausting and I felt very frustrated with myself. Here I have this great life - healthy kids, a husband who loves me, good friends, great opportunities, a vibrant faith - yet I sometimes cannot get past the new thing(s) I want.

God revealed to me this morning, in my prayer time, that He is once again trying to pry away all the tools and crutches I've used to fill the places that can only be filled by Him. In my life some examples are: cars, houses, decorating, coffee, diet coke, candy, exercise, racing, training, internet, praise and admiration from others, to name a few. I was reminded (for what seems the bazillionth time) that nothing offered by this world will fully satisfy. It doesn't mean any of this stuff is bad or wrong, they just will never be enough. I will ALWAYS want more...greedy thing that I am.

So, with that said, I hope it clears it up for you all. I am feeling so much love and encouragement from my Heavenly Father. He is so good, all of the time, even when it doesn't look that way. I do know that he is faithful. I am incredibly grateful for his work in my life and that he doesn't settle for my little idols.

I had a wonderful run yesterday (obviously needed it) and will hopefully swim today while A. is in his swim lesson. Pretty easy day ahead (at least at this point...one never knows).

Holes

I have a few minutes before sending the kids out the door and getting the other one to preschool this morning. My week 6 wrapped up nicely. I managed to fit in all workouts with some time to spare, which allowed me to have two days off this weekend. I wanted to be able to hit these next two weeks with as much energy as possible. After the weekend, I am rethinking the wisdom of my plan for so much rest.

It seems that when I'm not physically tired and challenged by the training, I just don't need that much rest. Do you know what that means for a weekend? It means my mind goes a million miles per hour trying to figure out how to fill my time instead of just being. I think about painting...I want to paint, or spending money...not just on something small, but BIG. I cannot turn it off either. Then I ruminate over how fortunate I am and why am I being so discontent, which just fuels the fire.

This is nothing new, believe me. Many a weekend have been riddled with these thoughts, pressures and feelings. I really have no idea what to do about it. I just know, for a fact, that I have a ton of holes that I want to fill with things, exercise, goals, experiences... Will these fill those empty places? No! I guess the answer is prayer, patience, and extending grace to myself. I don't know what else to do.

I get to run this morning for about 5 miles with some hill repeats worked in. It's a cold, crisp, sunny day with snow on the ground, so it will add a nice change of scenery.

Voices in my Head

Today I went on a 20 mile ride. I was supposed to do 6 minutes of Armstrong Intervals. Huh? Anyways, it's riding while standing up in zone 4. I "tried" to do 1 minute of low cadence followed by 1 minute high cadence. I must have looked like a freak. I am already rather uncertain on my bike, then to be standing up for 6 minutes while pedaling at a rapid pace. I managed to get most of it done, but really decided that I will let Lance Armstrong be Lance Armstrong. I do not need to aspire to be him, even in my cycling. Granted, he is pretty amazing.

Here is the dialogue I had with myself when I realized I had to do these boogers. "Ah, just skip it, ride in zone 4 for 6 minutes and be done with it." Or, "Just do it, what's your problem. It's new, try it". I seem to have these ongoing voices in my head whether they are related to the workout or greater things that threaten how I think or feel about myself and others.

Lately (or forever) I've had this struggle with "the last 5 pounds". Sometimes they seem like they are on their way gone, and other times they turn into 10. Constantly I deal with the voices surrounding my weight. "Man, Jen, if you would just lose that last 5 or 10, think about how much faster you would be"; or "Your clothes sure are feeling tight today, maybe you should get moving and not eat so much". The dialogue is never ending...in fact, I joke, "I really love being with myself, the voices in my head keep me company". I waste so many waking hours pondering and listening to them. I have come a long way in recent years, but I am never completely free.

I know Ironman will not squelch these voices. I know Ironman is not the answer for my "issues". They will be with me forever. However, I do have the knowledge and power to combat them. It is just whether or not I choose to pay attention. I love this verse in 2 Corinthians 10:5: We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Here I am reminded that I have a responsibility to lay each and every one of those words/voices/negative ideas before God and let him have my insecurities.

Who knows about those 5 pounds? Maybe it's time to move on and accept, or not, I don't know...haven't figured it out yet. I do know that I will never ride like Lance Armstrong...and I am totally OK with that.

Tomorrow is a lovely swim at the rec center, on to an abbreviated brick Friday (or Saturday).

A Little Bit of Down

These last couple weeks of training have been fantastic. I have looked forward to my workouts, my adjusted zones have been so good for me, and (drum roll, please) I AM LOVING MY BIKE!!! I never thought I would see myself write such a thing... I am actually looking forward to and enjoying being on my bike. That was probably one of my biggest concerns signing up for Ironman. It is such a good feeling.

Last week's training wrapped up well. I finished off the week with a nice "little" brick of a 21 mile ride/4 mile run. My wonderful neighbor and friend took the kids on Saturday morning so I could get it out of the way (after a wasted attempt with the wind the day before). I really despise having a workout hanging over my head, so it was nice to be able to do it first thing in the morning. Some people, I know, seem to love to workout at all times of day, but if I don't get it done (particularly running) early in the day I will find every excuse to avoid it. Or I will agonize over the impending workout for hours, affecting all around me.

So, with that said, I enter into a stabilizer week. I always welcome stabilizer...try to fit all the workouts in, but if I need to bail, I try to. I ran with a cherished friend this morning. We have only been running now for a couple of months, but it has become the highlight of my workout week. I adore our conversations and feel exercised, spiritually challenged, and encouraged all at the same time...perfect combination! Today was a difficult effort for both of us. I just felt a little bit down...never really know what to attribute this to, but tried to be present in our conversation today. She said many things that hit a chord in me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that challenge my assumptions and notions.

I am excited for Ironman, but really trying to be present in each workout. I cannot get ahead of myself because the prospect of all the work that lies ahead scares the *&^? out of me.

A Decade of Mothering

Well, today marks a huge milestone - my oldest child, Brooks, turns 10. Ten years as a mother...a decade!! I would like to say these have been the best years of my life. In some respects I will say they have been, but in others, the hardest and most painful. My new saying (that I try not to say too often, especially to new parents) is, "Aside from the death of my mother, these have been the hardest years of my life". I also would like to say that I love being a mom and it's the most fulfilling job I will ever have (may be true in the long run, but short term not always so). Before I had children I had many notions of the kind of mother I would be...particularly a "sandbox" mom...where I would be in the thick of it with my childrens' games and imaginations. Not so much! In fact, the idea puts me into a cold sweat.

Here are a few things I have learned over the past 10 years:

• I am not as patient as I thought I was.
• I have learned to have very low expectations so that I am often pleasantly surprised.
• I am capable of great love and sacrifice.
• I am capable of saying words I never thought would come out of my mouth.
• I am capable of "speaking" (screaming) in a way that is loud, evil, and causes my throat pain (think Satan).
• I am capable of incredible levels of both fear and worry.
• I have learned, through being a mother, how fiercely God loves, protects, and forgives me.
• I have learned that when my gut is telling me not to do (or say) something, I should probably listen, although rarely do.
• I have learned that giving unconditionally to my kids will not fulfill me. Sometimes they come first and sometimes I do. I absolutely need goals and things to look forward to beyond myself (hence triathlons) that involve my strengths, desires, and passions.
• I have learned that there is a season for everything...some are longer than others.
• I have learned that my children love me deeply and desire to forgive me when I screw up. They are constantly demonstrating grace to me.
• I have learned that God gives us more than we can handle so we rely upon him.
• I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my marriage deserves MORE intentionality than my children do over the course of time. Eric's and my love, respect, and commitment for one another is the best gift (along with our faith) we can give to our kids.
• I have learned the importance of living a life of authenticity. As mothers and women, we do way too much comparing, to the detriment of our relationships. We will do each other all a favor if we can just be honest about how hard this job is.

I hope I do not sound "down" on motherhood. I am not. It has been the single greatest tool God has used to teach me about my "brokenness" as a human being and the harm I am capable of inflicting on those I love the most. I am constantly humbled by these truths.

With all that said, I love the life I lead. I love my role and responsibility as a mother. I know myself better. I know my heart, my mind, and the gifts I give to my children of a listening ear; a hearty hug; a goofy song (generally about poop and farts); a date night with my husband; a game of Monopoly, Candy Land, etc...; a truthful word; a surprise gift; a conversation in the hot tub; a bike ride; a cuddle on the couch; a story in bed...

I have been reading in Ecclesiastes these past few mornings. It says, "A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment." (Ecclesiastes 2:24-25). This reminds me to trust and surrender my days to Him, to rely upon Him for the strength I need and know He is working in and through me for His good purposes....always.

So, on to the next decade of mothering...I'm sure I'll have a lot of different things to say when I'm dealing with teenagers and college students. I'll settle in here for awhile and not get ahead of myself.

I found it!

I have officially completed my first 4 weeks of training. It feels very good. In my last post I was struggling with motivation and inspiration. I found it! All I needed was a fabulous bike ride. Eric and I went yesterday for around 29 miles. We managed to get out around 3 p.m. after a day of doing the "maybe I should, maybe I shouldn'ts". So glad we did...beautiful and warm outside...a great reminder of why I am doing this thing.

The coming week is looking great, a couple swims packed into Andrew's swim lesson time; two bike rides; two runs and one brick (bike/run). I can't wait to get moving, but loved, loved, loved my day off :)

Happy Monday tomorrow! I'm ready to go.