Moving

I am discontinuing this blog for the time being and moving to another space. My new address is jenjepsen.blogspot.com It's time to move beyond Ironman (I may return, just not sure when) to issues of faith.

Thank you all for reading about my IM journey!

Jen

Post 100

I cannot believe that I have had enough to say for a year to warrant 100 posts. Yikes. When I began the blog I was terrified of my writing ability, expressing myself, and potentially failing. Well, I suppose if one is honest and speaks his/her mind, there really isn't the opportunity to fail. I may lose readership, but whatever.

So, this weekend, yesterday and today, for 16 total hours, Eric and I attended training through Boulder County to serve in the area of foster parenting, respite care or fost-adopt. We have one more day of training next weekend, but it is nice to have 2/3 behind us. We are not 100% certain, in what capacity we will serve, but we are going down the path to be better informed, fully understanding what we are getting ourselves and our family into.

I can definitely say, at this point, that my heart has been opened. I have moments of fear and concern, but these are countered by equal parts desire to provide a difference in the life of a child who has done nothing to deserve their situation but be born. I look at my own three peeps and think about how truly "easy" their little lives are. They don't live in a state of survival or fear (for the most part, except for the two days/month I should be certified clinically insane). They have cozy beds, painted rooms, great clothes, ample food, safe community and schools, advocates, teachers of faith, love, and grace, etc. They are supervised, questioned, disciplined, accounted for and rewarded. Many of these children who need homes just need to know they are safe. All children (and adults for that matter) are entitled to food, shelter, safety, and love. Do we all receive this? If we did...what would the world look like? Boulder County? Longmont?

My heart is certifiably broken. I am humbled beyond measure. I am floored by the hearts of people in our community. I am blessed to see the need and know that I can play a part, no matter how small, in making a difference. Am I scared? Yes. Do I know what I'm doing? No. Am I trusting? Yes. Is God faithful? Absolutely. Who knows where all this will lead, but I am excited and incredibly grateful, once again.

I have not fallen off the face of the planet!

Here are a few things I've been up to:

1. Ran the Denver Marathon October 17. Managed a 3:52, which was a tad too slow for Boston Qualification. Stressed a bit the next day about trying to qualify and the decision was made for me by 5:00 that night when Boston filled up in an unprecedented 8 hours. Oh well...can't say I didn't give it a fair shake. I was happy with my performance and let go of the BQ goal at about mile 16 when the pace began slowing. Sometimes it's important to be flexible. The marathon was a wonderful bridge for me after the Ironman...to come off the incredible accomplishment, but still have a goal.

2. Kids are all in school full time. I am happy with the schedule, but can feel a bit "unproductive". The feeling eventually passes and I get busy with kids at 3:30 for the next 5 hours every day.

3. I've been questioning a lot about my faith. I am 100% certain now that I am on the right path of grace and love. I am tired of Christians, frankly. I want to make a difference for Jesus in the world through love.

4. We are moving forward in becoming Foster Parents through Boulder County. Our first day of "training" is next week. I am very interested to see where we wind up with all of this. As in Ironman, I am getting more excited than scared. I cannot wait to meet our new "peeps" soon.

5. Hopped in the pool for the first time in two months. I swam 2400 yards and it was awesome...looking forward to getting rolling again.

6. Starting Pilates this week with an instructor friend. I'll let you know what I think.

7. Considering my goals for next season. I'm thinking about shooting for sprint and olympic distance triathlons, one half ironman and running races, namely the half marathon distance.

8. Enjoying an easy week and contemplating painting.

I am feeling great after the marathon. My body healed and recovered quickly. It's so nice to have the fitness base that I do now. I am wondering what next season will look like. I would like to see some faster times with the shorter distances, since I've been focusing on such long distances. It is really neat to know that I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for!

Twenty Miler

Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of doing my 20 mile run. Thankfully a dear friend joined me for the middle third, which made the whole thing much more palatable. Actually, I had a good time. I averaged a 9:20 pace, which I think is adequate to attempt a Boston Qualifier...we'll see. I am at least hopeful for October 17.

Running has been great, kids are great, everything is just clicking away at a nice little clip. Not much to report, just hanging on and doing my best to be a decent individual.

A New Leaf

So...hello....it's been awhile. Sorry about that. I just haven't felt very compelled to write, not much to say...at least not from the Triathlon end of things. I am still training for the Denver Marathon. Managed 16 miles yesterday early. It was a great run and I feel pretty good today. I did manage to eat my weight in food afterwards, but oh well.

The summer has ended well. The kids all went seamlessly to school. They are very happy, including my new full day Kindergartner. He is in Heaven...as am I. The days to myself are something I've not had for about a decade. Fortunately, I was warned by many a mother to relax into the new schedule because it is super easy to fill the time. My desire has been to get things done during the day (including a nap) and relish the kids being home at the end of the day. Some days are better than others, but I do see myself now as a mom that does best when I'm not always ON! I need my time to myself and with other grownups. I am so grateful that I don't have to work and that I'm not currently training for an Ironman. Been there, done that. Not forever, but for now it's perfect.

The puppy, Theo, is working out great. We have all adopted him and he us. He is fantastic and offers us much consternation and joy each day. We are very grateful he came into our lives when he did and has given us the grace and time to grieve our Maddy.

Running is such a wonderful thing right now. I was riding my bike...I stopped. I have re-entered the world of swimming also, just once a week. I need the simplicity. I need to just have shoes, my heart rate monitor, ipod and dirt roads. I needed about 5 weeks post Ironman to get back into it. Now it's just part of me! I am doing more running in the later morning, after the kids go to school, which is different. It's hot! That will all change soon, though. I'm curious what weather the marathon will bring...maybe the 80 degree temp training will pay off. I still want to qualify for Boston, but not holding my breath. If I get there...great. If not...no biggie. I will have made a solid effort.

We are on the cusp of some new things in our life as a family. I can't really talk about it here, but would appreciate prayers if you think of us. I am so grateful for the work God is doing in me and have seen new perspectives in my life since the Ironman. What an amazing way to learn His amazing faithfulness. He is so good to me.

Not feeling it...

So, in my return to "training" since Cd'A, I just assumed that three weeks off would be sufficient. NOT! My goodness. This is my second week of running, some cycling and one swim. I feel like I'm moving through cement, my heart rate is either super low or high....you name it. I don't want to be ungrateful or minimize my IM experience...but I feel like crap. Anyways, I'm not sure what to do about it and I'm not sure if I should even maintain the goals I've set. It just seems like maybe I need a break of more than 3 weeks.

It's weird how you can be completely on top of your game...feeling strong and fast and then just... blah. I don't get it, but I suspect my body is trying to tell me something. I will do my best to listen...or not. Maybe I'll just push through. I'll let you know.

Life is going well. Summer is moving along...some days it seems at molasses pace. Many days, we hunker down during the heat of the day and come out at night. Even the puppy sleeps all day and resumes his silly antics in the evening when the edge is off. Kids return to school in three weeks. I am REALLY trying not to fantasize too much...but the thought of having the time to myself gets me all giddy inside. I don't want to wish the days away, but I do.

Bitter and Sweet

Today is a day I have been dreading, but knowing it would come sooner than later. Our wonderful dog, Maddy, needs to be put to sleep. Her decline has been steady up until now, it is clear. She has been a steadfast, patient presence in our lives since before having children, 11 years ago. She is a blessing, a running partner, a supporter, a tolerator, for all of these years. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and will miss her large body and spirit as she heads to Doggy Heaven. I pray for the ability for my kids to grieve and for Eric and I to be an example in this. Remember that movie from awhile ago? The one with Sally Field and Michael J. Fox who are the voices to the two dogs and cat traversing the countryside looking for their owners? Well, the Golden Retriever voice is the voice I've given to Maddy in female form. I imagine she talks to me in her head in the voice of Maya Angelou...a calm, authoritative tone that offers insight and protection. We have been through pregnancies, births, sleepless nights, babies, toddlers, sassy tweens, snowstorms, thunderstorms, heat waves, new businesses, graduations, new homes, new and old neighbors, 5 marathons, many triathlons, and Ironman. There is nothing like a beloved pet to mark the passing of time and major life events. I know she has loved unconditionally. She has been my partner in life and I haven't always been the nicest of housemates. There is nothing like a beloved pet to mark the passing of time and major life events. I know she has loved unconditionally. I will miss you Maddy-girl.



On the sweet side, we acquired a new puppy just Tuesday. He is a love and a bundle of sweet, exuberant energy. I know this will make the transition easier for all of us. His name is Theo, he's a Portuguese Water Dog and 4 months old. I am so grateful for him and believe he will bring us to the next stages of life: all kids in school full-time, middle school and high school years, graduations, drivers' licenses, and a whole host of other things I cannot imagine. We are blessed and grateful for this little guy.

A heavy week, for sure. It will be a day of sadness, remembrance, gratitude and laughter...the whole gamut.

New Goals

I have to say that I have felt rather free these past three weeks. I have not done one lick of organized exercise, aside from painting. Our raft trip was wonderful, but as far as exercise goes? Well, let's just say, my bottom has been well used. We had a fantastic time, just one scary part, some rain, lots of sun, some frustration and lots of laughs. I love what Ironman has taught me. I know that when I hit a low point, a high point is right around the bend...thankfully. That way, I can wait in expectation and not be fearful.

So, onto the topic at hand. I have officially set new goals, although I'm not official enough to have signed up for them...yet. My plan is to do the Rattlesnake Olympic Distance Tri in August; maybe another sprint one in there somewhere...but my big goal is the Denver Marathon on October 17. I really want to qualify for Boston again, to run this Spring.

My favorite author (and unmet friend), Kristin Armstrong, is releasing her new book at Boston. She has challenged her blog readers to do their best to get there. So, I'm taking on the challenge. I have no idea what my running fitness is post-Ironman....but I figure with some intentional speedwork and diligence, I have a shot. Plus, I gotta say...marathon training sounds awesome right now, so simple, all I need is shoes. Amazing the change in perspective.

Feeling

Now that I'm nearly two weeks out from my Ironman, I want to return and let you all know what's going on in my mind and body. It has been a smooth recovery...nothing notable to report, other than incredible soreness after painting one day. What? Wasn't expecting it, but clearly my body is dealing with more than I'm willing to give it credit for. Actually, that's not true. I am incredibly grateful for what my body has done for me in recent weeks and months.

So, in my attempt to make good on some promises...I have painted two out of three of my kids' rooms. I've been telling them for 9 months that I would get to it, now I finally am and they are so grateful. Blue for Claire, green for Andrew, and grey for Brooks (next week).

Painting for two days straight has given me lots of time and opportunity to think about the Ironman and consider what is next. It's an interesting thing, processing something so huge. Here you have a year (since sign up) of wondering, worrying, processing, training, eating, learning, growing, transforming...then it's over, done, finished. I know it is a jumping off point, but still, it's difficult. I was warned and I knew it would happen, but it is still important to feel and process what is moving through my mind. I'm not attaching much value to my feelings, I just want to roll with them and discern the ones that need more time and attention. This is new for me. I used to put so much stock into my feelings and worry about my reactions. I now know it's normal, natural and part of the process.

I have also had to grieve some. Returning from Idaho has been like coming home from camp. I so wanted to come home, but part of my heart has stayed on Hayden Lake...the location, the experience, the time with my family. A little piece of me is still there and will stay. It was a miraculous time, filled with laughter, good conversation, time together, and an Ironman. What a gift. I know I will never re-create this...not that I won't set goals, maybe even do another, but there's nothing like the first. I am so grateful to the people who told me to smile and enjoy for it will go too fast. At mile 20 of the marathon, or 60 of the ride I didn't think that....but I do now.

So, what to do with these feelings? How do I move forward? Well, I still have two days before I will make race plans...I am requiring two weeks of myself. I do have some ideas, however, that will be revealed at a later date. Also, I did my IM early in the summer so I wouldn't have to be racing/training while the kids are home...so, again, sticking to my promises...I will begin by going on a raft trip. We are taking off this afternoon for 4 nights (3 on the river). I think it will be fun, but I know there will be moments where I will wish for my own bed and fridge. Oh well. One thing Ironman has given me is perspective. Sleeping three nights on the ground in God's beautiful country is certainly no biggie! I am looking forward to uninterrupted time with my kids and husband, floating on the river, hearing their banter, sleeping under the stars.

I feel so blessed. I feel powerful, alive and optimistic. I feel hopeful, peaceful and joyful. I feel excited, adventurous, and a little bit scared. I feel grateful. I feel loved. I feel cherished. I feel alive!

Ironman Coeur d'Alene 2010 Race Report: Post Race

After the finish, I was held onto by a volunteer, asked questions as to where I was, took a couple pictures, went to the finish area for a few bites of pizza and Sprite. My stomach was on edge, so I was very tenuous about putting a lot in. I sat down, stretched some, nibbled.

Once I felt stable, we walked about a half mile to the car. I was slow, but I think it was good for me.

We made it back to the house, I showered...got in my new PJs that my lovely sister sent, knowing I would need some "recovery" clothes after my body was broken. Trevor made delicious hamburgers, which I was able to get down. I went to bed and slept somewhat fitfully because of soreness.

I barely walked on Monday, wasn't very hungry. I am so grateful we didn't fly out that day. We didn't need to leave until Thursday.

Since the water was 83 steps from the house, I had to be very intentional about trips up and down the steps. Honestly, though, I've been much more sore after marathons than this.

I sat on the boat, didn't do much, laid on the couch, took a short nap...all in all a perfect "post race" day.

My dad is a pastor, so we had arranged for my older two children to be baptized in the Lake. We had a lovely homemade service with one brother on the guitar, the other on the flute while we sang "Amazing Grace" together on the dock. My dad said a few words, we prayed. It was wonderful and perfect in every way! There is not much better in the world, as a parent, to see your kids starting off right. We shed a few tears and had some laughs.

The boys and AC left on Tuesday. I was so sad to see them go, but they all have lives and needed to get back. The rest of us toured Riverfront Park, and my parents and I drove around Spokane to see the places we used to frequent when we lived there (I was 6-12). It's funny the things I remembered. Much of the city was unchanged. We walked through the church and the neighborhood...saw my elementary school and where we shopped and played. Lots of fun memories.

We visited friends in Priest River on Wednesday, drove around Northern Idaho, taking in the beauty. Left for home on Thursday. Said goodbye to the house, the cove, the community. It was rather bittersweet.

I can totally see now why people do this IM thing more than once. It is magical in so many ways!

Ironman Coeur d'Alene 2010 Race Report: Race Day!!

I woke up at 4:00 A.M. My mom was already up brewing the coffee...bless her. I was not ready to get up, I actually slept great, contrary to popular opinion.

I drank a mug of coffee, had some hot cereal and milk...I calculated my breakfast at around 600 calories. I really wanted to make sure I got it in. Sipped Infinit through the morning.

Our minivan was full with my firstborn, parents, brothers, Eric and myself. Eric's parents kept the other kids in their RV for the night which was closer to the race. When we all get together, it's hilarious, so I listened to the banter and laughed a lot on the way to the race.

Eric dropped all of us off while he went to find a parking spot. I got body marked, piled my bike with nutrition, dropped off Special Needs bags, stood in the potty line, watched the pro start, donned the wetsuit. I wanted to get in the water for a bit of a warm up. I had done a short swim in Hayden Lake earlier, but had not yet stepped foot in Cd'A Lake. It was a beautiful clear morning, water was pretty calm compared to what I had heard about previous years...learned later that the temperature was only 51 degrees...10 degrees colder than my home reservoir. I got in, did a little out and back and kind of freaked out...just a little one. I came back to my family and told them I was going to hang back and take the swim slow.

The Swim

I realized that if I went to the outside, I would be swimming a lot farther than necessary, so I found a spot smack dab in the middle. Everyone else around me looked just as freaked as me, so I figured I was in a good place. We nervously chatted and laughed. I suggested we all make a pact to be gentle and not swim over one another. The girl behind me was totally good with that, she said, as long as she could draft off me...totally fine!

The cannon went off and immediately the calm came. I walked to the water, saw an opening and started swimming. I took it easy...couldn't really go crazy...we were all touching. I swam much of the first length with my head up. There was a lot of contact but nothing scary or damaging. My breathing was under control, I tried to sight, but it didn't really matter...I was just being carried along. We all converged on the red turn buoy and everything came to screaming halt. Basically everyone showed up at the same location, at the same time, and all many of us could do was tread water and be carried along. It was interesting, but I kept my wits about me.

The return to the shore was rather uneventful...still lots of contact, but it started to become fun. I exited the water, heard 36 minutes...better than I expected. We were corralled on the sand, to the next lap. I commented to a guy next to me that I didn't want to do that again (as far as the craziness), so I took it wide and swam on the outside the next lap. I think I went too far out, because it took some time to make it back to the turn buoy. Anyways, I took it tighter on the turn and last stretch in for the finish.

T1:

Exited the water, felt a little woozy from the water. Went to the wetsuit strippers, had it peeled off in no time, grabbed swim to bike bag, went to change tent. I took everything intentionally, didn't really race through. I knew I had a long day ahead of me and the last thing I wanted was to forget something essential. I nibbled a Power Bar while my volunteer helped me get everything on. I wore my bike shorts and a tri top and sports bra under my wetsuit. I meant to take off the tri top, but learned later, that I forgot. I donned my Blue Sky bike jersey, put on my socks and shoes, found my Garmin but forgot my chest strap. So much for knowing my heart rate. Oh well. I kind of expected something like that to happen. Got sunscreen on, drank a cup of water, grabbed my bike and got going.

I saw my family right away and made sure to smile lots through town. I felt good, kept my HR under control, went out for the first dog leg. My nutrition goals were to drink Infinit every 15 minutes, consuming one bottle per hour; eat a banana when I could get it in; PBJ at mile 60 or so; Powergel at 20, 40, 60, 80, 100; and lots of water. I felt great, just took it easy on the hills. My coach said I could ride in zone 3 and power up the hills into zone 4. I KNOW I wasn't in zone 3 very much. I think I mostly rode in zones 1 and 2. For my first IM...I really wanted to finish up strong. I didn't want to leave it all on the bike and "make it" through the run. So, I held back on the bike...probably too much...but it's my least confident sport...so, you know.

The course was very hilly and it started to get hot. I just spun up the hills and tried to aero as much as possible on the downhill sections. It was rather tricky because of the bends and hairpin turns, where, for me, it's not safe to ride aero. I did the best I could while being careful. Everyone around me was cautious, too, so that made it easier.

I tried to be diligent about my nutrition, knowing this could make or break a day. I had to stop and go potty about 4 times, took off my tri top, stopped at special needs to reload my bottles, chain fell off around mile 40, made sure to be courteous and kind to the volunteers, and did my best to set myself up for a good run...that being my main goal.

Another main goal of mine was to not allow any self-defeating talk, the bike being the main place for this in my training. Whenever I started to "go there", I started thinking of my verse ("I can do all things through him who gives me strength"), or I ate something, or said an encouraging word to a passerby. I did my best to keep a smile plastered on my face at ALL times!

I got passed A LOT on the bike...had no idea about time because my GPS was turned off and I just didn't really want to know. I knew it was going to be longer than 7 hours, which I was really hoping for sub 7, but whatever. At this point, those ideas don't stick.

T2:

Finished the bike with a smile and a joke with my bike catcher. Grabbed what I needed from my bike (my trusty salt tabs and Advil), and headed to T2. The first few steps were interesting, but I had been warned about that. I knew my legs would come back. Changed my shorts, put on a skirt and cute pink top, added a hat, found my chest strap (in the wrong bag), put on my socks and shoes, reloaded the sunscreen, ate a gel, had water, went potty, and I was off.


The Run:

I saw my family again right away (wonderful!), gave my eldest a hug, lots of smiles. My legs felt great! My coach was adamant about staying in low-mid zone 2, so I just got my legs moving and kept it low. I don't think I could have done much more than that anyway, to be honest. My feet were present, which was a surprise. My nutrition goal here was to eat a Powergel every 4 miles, drink coke/gatorade at every other mile. I knew that all I had to do now was take it one mile at a time. I just ran from one food station to the next. I walked each aid station, haven't mastered the running and eating thing. I started with coke and it made me have stomach cramps, so I stuck to Gatorade and took in some chicken broth later.

The first 13 miles was pretty uneventful. There's a nice hill at the turnaround that I walked part of, then realized I had enough juice to run. I kept my pace even, tried to spot people I knew, encouraged where I could, smiled lots, said "thank you". I just ticked the miles off. I had no idea of time, so I went on HR and feel.

I saw my family around mile 14 and Eric ran with me for a bit. He said I had a strong swim, lost about 400 places on the bike and had already made them up on the run. He said to keep running because I could pick off a ton of people, who were just walking. I guess I really did pick it up, because apparently miles 14-21 I ran a little over a 9 minute mile. Amazing! At this point I started counting the people I was passing. I counted 150 between 14 and 24 or so. That was a good feeling. I stuck to my nutrition, did the hill, walked the stations and knew it was in the bag, while being respectful and knowing anything could change.

I started to get teary eyed around mile 24, chatted with a guy from Canada for mile 25, at mile 26 I made the turn, saw the downhill, the lights, the crowds, heard the voices and the cheering and knew I had it! I was an IRONMAN! I saw my family...smiled, cheered, raised my hands and finished strong!

Received a medal, tee shirt and hat! What an incredible day!


Total Time: 13:36
Overall Place: 1236/2090 (?)
Swim: 1:23
T1: 11:57
Bike: 7:11, 15.6 mph
T2: 9:19
Run: 4:34, 10:28/mile

Ironman Coeur d'Alene 2010 Race Report: Pre Race

We arrived into Spokane Airport on Thursday, June 24th. All of a sudden, it hit me. This was real. I was going to be doing an Ironman, didn't quite believe yet, that I would become one. Our flight was uneventful. I sat next to a man from Houston who was doing his second, his first being Brazil. He was very nervous (I was not nervous at all compared to this guy)...he had expectations...to break 11 hours. We talked the whole flight, he gave me tips, we chatted about our triathlon history. He was debating whether or not to do another IM that opened up in his community or the Boston Marathon. Since he already qualified, I told him to do that...it's so wonderful.

We managed to get to Hayden, ID pretty quick after the airport. No big deal. We were all starving, but knew we needed groceries, so did that.

Eric's parents met us at the house with my firstborn. It was great to see them, but again, starving and nervous. Not a great combination.

Our house was on Hayden Lake, 83 steps from the water. We were tucked away in a cove with all kinds of wildlife and greenery. It was remarkable. The beauty and landscape in the Northwest is so different than Colorado.

My parents arrived from California late that night. It was wonderful to see them and know that they were there for me.

My brothers, Trevor and Jeremy, came in from Chicago and California the next morning.

Friday, Eric and I arrived at Race Headquarters in Cd'A to pick up my race packet, get my transition bags, purchase some souvenirs and get last minute items. I wasn't too intimidated by what I saw, but I did sense the weight of what I had trained for and what I would be doing in two days. Went to a pre-race mandatory meeting that was unnecessary...arrived on time, but they started the meeting 20 minutes early. Oh well...I wasn't gonna win, just follow the people in front, I guess, and review my information.

We returned to the house to see my brothers. The house could not have been more perfect. It turned out to be my refuge, my place of reflection and rest in the midst of what what swirling all around and inside me. We went out on the boat, went fishing, watched the kids swim, ate dinner altogether. I was nervous, but everything else provided a great distraction and reminder of the important things in life.

Saturday, we returned to Cd'A to turn in my bike and transition bags. I love this because it provides so much less to do on race morning, when the brain leaves the body.

My dear friend, AC, showed up Saturday night from home. I told her she didn't need to come, but she insisted because no one else she knows has done anything this big...it was important to her. What a great friend. I am blessed.

I was very pensive on Saturday. Fear of the unknown, I suppose. I asked my brother what his take was on "nerves", since he's a musician, composer and performer. He said that they indicate he's alive, that he's doing something worthwhile with his life...as opposed to anxiety that has nothing to attach to, it's just a meaningless fear with no true root or anchor. I loved that...his insight provided great comfort for me. I spent some time in prayer, being grateful, seeking, praying that my day would be about glorifying God, about being reminded of his faithfulness. My training would have been impossible without him.

I went to bed at 10:00..a decent hour. Fell asleep rather quickly. Everything was in it's place...all I had to do in the morning was drink coffee; eat my hot cereal, peanut butter, banana and milk; pray for a poop and do it; get dressed; grab my gear and go.

Six Days!

Yikes. It's almost here. Weeks in my life fly by like nobody's business...so this will be here before I know it. Crazy. I have kind of forgotten how hard I've worked to get here. I had to re-read some of my journal entries this morning to remind myself that I have worked my a$$ off...almost literally (I wish). So, six days from now I will be just starting. My nerves will be done, I will be in the water fighting for my space. I will be doing my best to keep my heart rate down, to realize I have 13 (I hope) or more hours to go. I will be celebrating the start of one of the biggest days of my life...wondering what the day has in store. Wondering how God will surprise me next. I will be keeping the voices in my head at bay, by reminding myself of God's Word and his goodness. I will be swimming the best I can with 2399 other people...celebrating the opportunity to even be in such a beautiful place, doing something I love. I will be thinking about the remarkable gift this is to my children, for them to see their mom set a goal and achieve it, while working very hard to keep their lives as normal as possible. I will be thinking about my wonderful husband and his generous heart and great love for me. I will be thinking about breathing, about swimming, about defending my territory...not about biking or running. I'll have plenty of time to think about those.

I am going to start packing my stuff today, particularly the things for Race Day. I want to rest my mind about needing to remember this or that. I am floored by how much stuff is required to do this sport (and how much money is invested). I will pack my kids tomorrow, get meds for the dog, arrange for feeding of the minor animals, return library books, cancel mail delivery, clean house (kind of), and the myriad of other things that will occur to me.

We fly out on Thursday. I cannot wait to see my family...to enjoy their company. We are staying away from the race venue, so hopefully I can rest and relax a bit beforehand. We will see!

Thank you to all of you for your support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Taper Week One: Down

So, I have succumbed to the typical "Taper Week Drama". Fortunately I am getting great rest, if you count falling asleep at 9:30, rising at 5:00, with a little nap squeezed in somewhere. I'm still jumbly, dealing with equal parts fear, amazement, excitement, worry, anxiety, gratitude, hope. I am thankful, however, that I have been a decent human being to the people I love the most. It did help that a couple of them were at camp and another one is leaving tomorrow...but, what the hey.

My in-laws are here, with the 5th wheel to haul my eldest, my bike and other goods that I don't want to take up space in my suitcase. It is all becoming more and more real, that in a week from today I will be in CdA, probably have my packet and goodies, hopefully resting beside the lake with nothing better to do than take in Northern Idaho. Or not...who knows?

I am rather random...not much to report. Did a few workouts this week, two swims, a brick, two runs...will attempt another swim tomorrow and maybe another bike, but not sure. My body feels alright..not fantastic. Have some soreness when I swim in my shoulder and a little in my left quad. The niggles don't seem to be stopping me, so I guess I'm alright. My brick this morning (25 ride/3 run) was irritating. I got some stuff for my bike to carry all the goods and it didn't work out so well. Glad I know it now and not race morning. That would stink. I'm trying to think of everything and keep lists. I think I have a decent nutrition plan figured out, but you never know what race day will bring, so I will be flexible. The nice thing about these Ironman races is they have a plethora of choices at the multitude of aid stations, so if what I have isn't workin'? No biggie.

Other than that? Just cruisin'. I'm very curious to see how all this is going to turn out.

The verse I've been meditating on for the week is: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Jumbly

It's my first taper day. I can now see why people might struggle through the taper. All of a sudden there's no focus on big workouts or fitting this or that in...it's done. A wonderful thing to celebrate, but now the focus is on the race...the day...the big deal. Here I am reading blogs of others' experiences, finding tips, re-reading the notes from my coach...trying to figure out how to make it a perfectly executed race. Well, the reality is...there is no such thing. I will do the best I can with my knowledge, with my training, but to assume the day is going to be perfect? Can't do that. I am oscillating back and forth between, "I don't care if it takes me all day...I just want to finish" and, "I wonder if I can get this or that time". Does it really matter? I'm not going to win. If I "race" I might feel awful, but if I don't I may wish I had. I think the best approach for me is to have everything in place, to the best of my knowledge, follow my nutrition plan, listen to my bod, keep a smile on my face and have fun. How many times will I ever get to do this again? Maybe never.

Everything in me feels jumbly. I remember this time before my Half Ironman last year. The couple weeks before were a bit of a disaster for the children in my life. I guess it goes to show that it all does matter to me. I do care about this race and its outcome. I can plan to the best of my ability, but the reality is, anything can and will happen. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I'll try not to. I trust in my training and the experiences of others. This is what risk is about...it's calculated, but at some point I have to let go.

Welcome to a well lived life!

Tapering

I am finishing off this week nice and strong. It started out a bit on the rocky side, but now I feel like I have my feet, arms and pedals under me.

Yesterday, before our crazy weather, I was able to complete my final long workout - a 70 mile ride and 3 mile run. I managed a 17 mph average, which is huge for me. I really tried to stay solid in zone 2, as I have a tendency to ease up and ride in high zone 1. Why? I don't know. I just wanted to push it today while maintaining my nutrition plan. It paid off well and felt great for the run. The day was beautiful with clouds hovering over the mountains, filtering the sun. These are the days that make all of this worth it.

Today, I swallowed my common sense and went swimming at Union for about 4 laps. It rained all night, and this morning the water was very choppy. I knew that "The Day" could easily be these conditions, so I sucked it up and swam. I actually found it fun breaking the waves on the way out, rolling with them and being carried on the way back. I try to wonder what race day will be like and how I will manage, but I can't know until I get there. Thankfully I've had all kinds of weather to combat and enjoy, so I can't say I haven't experienced it all. I am grateful for all of those rough, windy, snowy, rainy days even though I detested them at the time.

I am really getting excited. Two weeks from tomorrow and I finish this journey of becoming an Ironman. So hard to believe. One year ago, I would have never imagined it!

Now officially begins Taper. So happy!

Power

Thank you to all of you who read and weighed in on my previous post. These are all things I must process to move on more fully in this journey. I appreciate your insight and encouragement.

Things are very good on the homefront and I am getting so excited about culminating this journey. My fear is starting to wane and the anticipation is taking it's place. I am so fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity and I am done minimizing it with fear, worry, doubt and trepidation. This Ironman is something to celebrate, to claim, to be humbled by, to rejoice in, to see prayers answered, to see God's work. I no longer want to cower or shy away from this incredible accomplishment.

I was reminded in my prayer time this morning that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in us...it lives in me (Ephesians somewhere). How can I go on being afraid? Of anything? God is enough...more than enough.

I am so very grateful this morning for God's clear direction, timing, and grace. What an amazing gift, to seek Him and know Him.

The Good Wife

Alright. In typical "Jentrainingforanironman" fashion, I have something to process with all of you...once again. This is how it seems to be for me. When training gets difficult in my head, there's some Truth that needs to come out on the page in order for me to move forward. So, here it is...I will do my best to be coherent.

So, when IM training started I was really concerned about how my relationship with my kids would be affected. I know I was concerned on some level for my marriage, but not really as much. Now, the rubber meets the road...and I must say, most of this is in my head (I think), but I still need to utter it on paper (or screen). I seriously, only have one week left of "serious" training, then starts taper. I am at mile 23 of a marathon...so close yet, still, so far away. Yet, I am feeling guilty or concerned because I am not able to spend the QT with my husband that we have grown accustomed to. Yes, our marriage has been a series of peaks and valleys, like any relationship. It just feels when we're in a valley that it's gonna take a while to climb out. It never does, it just means we've allowed some patterns (namely busyness) to get in the way. Unfortunately, I have three weeks before an Ironman. I know it's not that long in the scheme of things, but it feels long, especially when Eric and I are "not quite right". Do you know what I mean? It's hard to live with the person you love the most in this world being "not quite right". There's just this looming, unnameable sense of something wrong. I hate that. Nothing I can do or say will really fix it, it's just this thing. I know it's Ironman training, it's fatigue, it's summer schedule and not sleeping well, it's "I need to train so you have to watch the kids and not do the things you want to do", it's "I'd love to spend time with you at 10:00 PM, because the kids are finally in bed, and....snore". I try and try and try, but nothing I can do will make it right until June 27th is over. We both know it and accept it, yet it doesn't make it easier. I still feel awful and he still feels a bit neglected (I assume).

So, how does a woman, a wife, a mother, a person who always is responsible for the feelings of others, move forward in light of this information? I know, at this point, that signing up for another Ironman would definitely be the wrong thing to do. I am grateful for this opportunity, I am grateful for my husband, kids, God, body, friends. But, I know that the grace given to me by these entities won't sustain another nine months at this rate. I am not the kind of person to say, "Screw it" and do it anyway. I am highly sensitive to what I perceive to be going on around me and I have a very hard time putting things upon my people. As women we have so many wonderful opportunities available to us, but again, I'm learning everything has a trade off...every decision one way or another affects something else. I have a goal, something else has got to give. It's figuring out how to weigh those trade offs and move forward the best we can, trusting in a God who knows far more than we do. If I didn't feel a sense of calling to this Ironman, or a sense of purpose, seeing God's faithful hand, I think I might have chucked it awhile ago. Well....maybe not, but... you know.

I think I'm developing a new sense of empathy for the women who work, care for kids, maintain their marriages and their notions of self. It is a seemingly unmanageable balance. I am so grateful that I only have three weeks...what about a lifetime of this? I am in the deepest of awe and admiration for these women. My hats are off to all of you.

I feel better now that this is all out in the open. I don't know what I'm going to do about it except move forward and finish this thing up as imperfectly as I can. I do know that I need the morning off and will get in a swim tonight.

A Little Funky

I am in a mood of reflection today. Have been in a bit of a funk the last couple days, to the point where Eric asked if we could find a babysitter and go out to dinner. I don't know what the deal is, but I have a couple of ideas, maybe it's all or one...who knows...gotta love the mind of a woman.

1. PMS. I know Day 19 is the day where I should not call my kids on anything. It seems justified to me, but actually I'm entering "Crazy Land". Better to keep quiet and save it for tomorrow. I don't know why it's taken me to the age of nearly 38 to figure this out.

2. Ironman training...DUH. I'm tired. I'm ready for taper. I'm nervous about these last three weeks. I still have some big workouts, yet I feel like letting down. I am exhausted by 9:00 PM but up by 5:00 AM because of either a workout or the damn, chirping birds outside my window.

3. My birthday. Tomorrow, June 5. I'll be 38. Sometimes I get down on my birthday...don't really know why. Maybe because I've learned to not really care about it because of past high expectations (hate those).

Here are a few things I've realized today:

1. I can swim 4500 yards in 90 minutes...how awesome is that? I couldn't believe the workout I did today and felt great doing it. My body is so strong right now.

2. It occurred to me today in the pool (and actually brought tears to my eyes). I am doing an Ironman...actually, in my book I already am one...in my 39th year. I have made it to 38. My Mom died when she was 37, so maybe part of the significance of my birthday is making it. I suppose that every person who has lost a parent has a rough time when they reach and surpass the age of that parent. Another thing...Coeur d'Alene is significant. My last memories of my Mom were when we lived in Spokane, she died shortly after our move to Southern California. This will probably really hit me at mile 18 of the marathon.

3. My kids and I have made it through the first full week of summer vacation together. We are all alive, they are happy, I am too.

Tomorrow, on my birthday, I get to ride 45 miles and run 9. It's long enough that I'm kind of dreading it, but know it's a totally possible workout. Hopefully I can get out early enough to avoid some of the heat.

Sunday I am volunteering for the Longmont Triathlon. I love volunteering at races and NEVER feel like I'd rather be doing it. Isn't that weird? I love the excitement of the day without the nerves. Plus, it's super fun to help out.

Much much much love to my brother running his first marathon in San Diego on Sunday. Go get 'em Jeremy. It will be wonderful.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Getting excited to become an Ironman..I never thought this day would come. It always seemed so far away, now I'm only 3.5 weeks out. We leave three weeks from tomorrow.

Monday was a 14 mile run, which involved some z4 and z5 work. Once that was done, I had a trudgefest for about 9 miles. Really tired. I did it, but my pace kept growing slower and slower. I spent the rest of the day whining in my head, but doing my best not to utter it.

Tuesday involved riding about 20 miles with the group and a 2000 yard swim at Union Reservoir. I was very grateful for the swim because as I kept going the water got more and more choppy. I think it was great experience for the choppiness of Lake Coeur d'Alene. I know now that if I "have a moment" in the water I can draw from this particular workout.

Today was a 4.5 mile run with TC. So good to chat and pass the time thinking about things that matter. I was definitely tired and hungry today. In about an hour I'm heading to the rec center for a 3500 yard tempo swim. I really hope I feel OK.

I am definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but my body is tired. The kids are home now, so there's just a lot more "hands on" stuff with them. Oh well. Just a week and a half left before the Taper!!