The Good Wife

Alright. In typical "Jentrainingforanironman" fashion, I have something to process with all of you...once again. This is how it seems to be for me. When training gets difficult in my head, there's some Truth that needs to come out on the page in order for me to move forward. So, here it is...I will do my best to be coherent.

So, when IM training started I was really concerned about how my relationship with my kids would be affected. I know I was concerned on some level for my marriage, but not really as much. Now, the rubber meets the road...and I must say, most of this is in my head (I think), but I still need to utter it on paper (or screen). I seriously, only have one week left of "serious" training, then starts taper. I am at mile 23 of a marathon...so close yet, still, so far away. Yet, I am feeling guilty or concerned because I am not able to spend the QT with my husband that we have grown accustomed to. Yes, our marriage has been a series of peaks and valleys, like any relationship. It just feels when we're in a valley that it's gonna take a while to climb out. It never does, it just means we've allowed some patterns (namely busyness) to get in the way. Unfortunately, I have three weeks before an Ironman. I know it's not that long in the scheme of things, but it feels long, especially when Eric and I are "not quite right". Do you know what I mean? It's hard to live with the person you love the most in this world being "not quite right". There's just this looming, unnameable sense of something wrong. I hate that. Nothing I can do or say will really fix it, it's just this thing. I know it's Ironman training, it's fatigue, it's summer schedule and not sleeping well, it's "I need to train so you have to watch the kids and not do the things you want to do", it's "I'd love to spend time with you at 10:00 PM, because the kids are finally in bed, and....snore". I try and try and try, but nothing I can do will make it right until June 27th is over. We both know it and accept it, yet it doesn't make it easier. I still feel awful and he still feels a bit neglected (I assume).

So, how does a woman, a wife, a mother, a person who always is responsible for the feelings of others, move forward in light of this information? I know, at this point, that signing up for another Ironman would definitely be the wrong thing to do. I am grateful for this opportunity, I am grateful for my husband, kids, God, body, friends. But, I know that the grace given to me by these entities won't sustain another nine months at this rate. I am not the kind of person to say, "Screw it" and do it anyway. I am highly sensitive to what I perceive to be going on around me and I have a very hard time putting things upon my people. As women we have so many wonderful opportunities available to us, but again, I'm learning everything has a trade off...every decision one way or another affects something else. I have a goal, something else has got to give. It's figuring out how to weigh those trade offs and move forward the best we can, trusting in a God who knows far more than we do. If I didn't feel a sense of calling to this Ironman, or a sense of purpose, seeing God's faithful hand, I think I might have chucked it awhile ago. Well....maybe not, but... you know.

I think I'm developing a new sense of empathy for the women who work, care for kids, maintain their marriages and their notions of self. It is a seemingly unmanageable balance. I am so grateful that I only have three weeks...what about a lifetime of this? I am in the deepest of awe and admiration for these women. My hats are off to all of you.

I feel better now that this is all out in the open. I don't know what I'm going to do about it except move forward and finish this thing up as imperfectly as I can. I do know that I need the morning off and will get in a swim tonight.