Six Days!

Yikes. It's almost here. Weeks in my life fly by like nobody's business...so this will be here before I know it. Crazy. I have kind of forgotten how hard I've worked to get here. I had to re-read some of my journal entries this morning to remind myself that I have worked my a$$ off...almost literally (I wish). So, six days from now I will be just starting. My nerves will be done, I will be in the water fighting for my space. I will be doing my best to keep my heart rate down, to realize I have 13 (I hope) or more hours to go. I will be celebrating the start of one of the biggest days of my life...wondering what the day has in store. Wondering how God will surprise me next. I will be keeping the voices in my head at bay, by reminding myself of God's Word and his goodness. I will be swimming the best I can with 2399 other people...celebrating the opportunity to even be in such a beautiful place, doing something I love. I will be thinking about the remarkable gift this is to my children, for them to see their mom set a goal and achieve it, while working very hard to keep their lives as normal as possible. I will be thinking about my wonderful husband and his generous heart and great love for me. I will be thinking about breathing, about swimming, about defending my territory...not about biking or running. I'll have plenty of time to think about those.

I am going to start packing my stuff today, particularly the things for Race Day. I want to rest my mind about needing to remember this or that. I am floored by how much stuff is required to do this sport (and how much money is invested). I will pack my kids tomorrow, get meds for the dog, arrange for feeding of the minor animals, return library books, cancel mail delivery, clean house (kind of), and the myriad of other things that will occur to me.

We fly out on Thursday. I cannot wait to see my family...to enjoy their company. We are staying away from the race venue, so hopefully I can rest and relax a bit beforehand. We will see!

Thank you to all of you for your support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Taper Week One: Down

So, I have succumbed to the typical "Taper Week Drama". Fortunately I am getting great rest, if you count falling asleep at 9:30, rising at 5:00, with a little nap squeezed in somewhere. I'm still jumbly, dealing with equal parts fear, amazement, excitement, worry, anxiety, gratitude, hope. I am thankful, however, that I have been a decent human being to the people I love the most. It did help that a couple of them were at camp and another one is leaving tomorrow...but, what the hey.

My in-laws are here, with the 5th wheel to haul my eldest, my bike and other goods that I don't want to take up space in my suitcase. It is all becoming more and more real, that in a week from today I will be in CdA, probably have my packet and goodies, hopefully resting beside the lake with nothing better to do than take in Northern Idaho. Or not...who knows?

I am rather random...not much to report. Did a few workouts this week, two swims, a brick, two runs...will attempt another swim tomorrow and maybe another bike, but not sure. My body feels alright..not fantastic. Have some soreness when I swim in my shoulder and a little in my left quad. The niggles don't seem to be stopping me, so I guess I'm alright. My brick this morning (25 ride/3 run) was irritating. I got some stuff for my bike to carry all the goods and it didn't work out so well. Glad I know it now and not race morning. That would stink. I'm trying to think of everything and keep lists. I think I have a decent nutrition plan figured out, but you never know what race day will bring, so I will be flexible. The nice thing about these Ironman races is they have a plethora of choices at the multitude of aid stations, so if what I have isn't workin'? No biggie.

Other than that? Just cruisin'. I'm very curious to see how all this is going to turn out.

The verse I've been meditating on for the week is: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Jumbly

It's my first taper day. I can now see why people might struggle through the taper. All of a sudden there's no focus on big workouts or fitting this or that in...it's done. A wonderful thing to celebrate, but now the focus is on the race...the day...the big deal. Here I am reading blogs of others' experiences, finding tips, re-reading the notes from my coach...trying to figure out how to make it a perfectly executed race. Well, the reality is...there is no such thing. I will do the best I can with my knowledge, with my training, but to assume the day is going to be perfect? Can't do that. I am oscillating back and forth between, "I don't care if it takes me all day...I just want to finish" and, "I wonder if I can get this or that time". Does it really matter? I'm not going to win. If I "race" I might feel awful, but if I don't I may wish I had. I think the best approach for me is to have everything in place, to the best of my knowledge, follow my nutrition plan, listen to my bod, keep a smile on my face and have fun. How many times will I ever get to do this again? Maybe never.

Everything in me feels jumbly. I remember this time before my Half Ironman last year. The couple weeks before were a bit of a disaster for the children in my life. I guess it goes to show that it all does matter to me. I do care about this race and its outcome. I can plan to the best of my ability, but the reality is, anything can and will happen. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I'll try not to. I trust in my training and the experiences of others. This is what risk is about...it's calculated, but at some point I have to let go.

Welcome to a well lived life!

Tapering

I am finishing off this week nice and strong. It started out a bit on the rocky side, but now I feel like I have my feet, arms and pedals under me.

Yesterday, before our crazy weather, I was able to complete my final long workout - a 70 mile ride and 3 mile run. I managed a 17 mph average, which is huge for me. I really tried to stay solid in zone 2, as I have a tendency to ease up and ride in high zone 1. Why? I don't know. I just wanted to push it today while maintaining my nutrition plan. It paid off well and felt great for the run. The day was beautiful with clouds hovering over the mountains, filtering the sun. These are the days that make all of this worth it.

Today, I swallowed my common sense and went swimming at Union for about 4 laps. It rained all night, and this morning the water was very choppy. I knew that "The Day" could easily be these conditions, so I sucked it up and swam. I actually found it fun breaking the waves on the way out, rolling with them and being carried on the way back. I try to wonder what race day will be like and how I will manage, but I can't know until I get there. Thankfully I've had all kinds of weather to combat and enjoy, so I can't say I haven't experienced it all. I am grateful for all of those rough, windy, snowy, rainy days even though I detested them at the time.

I am really getting excited. Two weeks from tomorrow and I finish this journey of becoming an Ironman. So hard to believe. One year ago, I would have never imagined it!

Now officially begins Taper. So happy!

Power

Thank you to all of you who read and weighed in on my previous post. These are all things I must process to move on more fully in this journey. I appreciate your insight and encouragement.

Things are very good on the homefront and I am getting so excited about culminating this journey. My fear is starting to wane and the anticipation is taking it's place. I am so fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity and I am done minimizing it with fear, worry, doubt and trepidation. This Ironman is something to celebrate, to claim, to be humbled by, to rejoice in, to see prayers answered, to see God's work. I no longer want to cower or shy away from this incredible accomplishment.

I was reminded in my prayer time this morning that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in us...it lives in me (Ephesians somewhere). How can I go on being afraid? Of anything? God is enough...more than enough.

I am so very grateful this morning for God's clear direction, timing, and grace. What an amazing gift, to seek Him and know Him.

The Good Wife

Alright. In typical "Jentrainingforanironman" fashion, I have something to process with all of you...once again. This is how it seems to be for me. When training gets difficult in my head, there's some Truth that needs to come out on the page in order for me to move forward. So, here it is...I will do my best to be coherent.

So, when IM training started I was really concerned about how my relationship with my kids would be affected. I know I was concerned on some level for my marriage, but not really as much. Now, the rubber meets the road...and I must say, most of this is in my head (I think), but I still need to utter it on paper (or screen). I seriously, only have one week left of "serious" training, then starts taper. I am at mile 23 of a marathon...so close yet, still, so far away. Yet, I am feeling guilty or concerned because I am not able to spend the QT with my husband that we have grown accustomed to. Yes, our marriage has been a series of peaks and valleys, like any relationship. It just feels when we're in a valley that it's gonna take a while to climb out. It never does, it just means we've allowed some patterns (namely busyness) to get in the way. Unfortunately, I have three weeks before an Ironman. I know it's not that long in the scheme of things, but it feels long, especially when Eric and I are "not quite right". Do you know what I mean? It's hard to live with the person you love the most in this world being "not quite right". There's just this looming, unnameable sense of something wrong. I hate that. Nothing I can do or say will really fix it, it's just this thing. I know it's Ironman training, it's fatigue, it's summer schedule and not sleeping well, it's "I need to train so you have to watch the kids and not do the things you want to do", it's "I'd love to spend time with you at 10:00 PM, because the kids are finally in bed, and....snore". I try and try and try, but nothing I can do will make it right until June 27th is over. We both know it and accept it, yet it doesn't make it easier. I still feel awful and he still feels a bit neglected (I assume).

So, how does a woman, a wife, a mother, a person who always is responsible for the feelings of others, move forward in light of this information? I know, at this point, that signing up for another Ironman would definitely be the wrong thing to do. I am grateful for this opportunity, I am grateful for my husband, kids, God, body, friends. But, I know that the grace given to me by these entities won't sustain another nine months at this rate. I am not the kind of person to say, "Screw it" and do it anyway. I am highly sensitive to what I perceive to be going on around me and I have a very hard time putting things upon my people. As women we have so many wonderful opportunities available to us, but again, I'm learning everything has a trade off...every decision one way or another affects something else. I have a goal, something else has got to give. It's figuring out how to weigh those trade offs and move forward the best we can, trusting in a God who knows far more than we do. If I didn't feel a sense of calling to this Ironman, or a sense of purpose, seeing God's faithful hand, I think I might have chucked it awhile ago. Well....maybe not, but... you know.

I think I'm developing a new sense of empathy for the women who work, care for kids, maintain their marriages and their notions of self. It is a seemingly unmanageable balance. I am so grateful that I only have three weeks...what about a lifetime of this? I am in the deepest of awe and admiration for these women. My hats are off to all of you.

I feel better now that this is all out in the open. I don't know what I'm going to do about it except move forward and finish this thing up as imperfectly as I can. I do know that I need the morning off and will get in a swim tonight.

A Little Funky

I am in a mood of reflection today. Have been in a bit of a funk the last couple days, to the point where Eric asked if we could find a babysitter and go out to dinner. I don't know what the deal is, but I have a couple of ideas, maybe it's all or one...who knows...gotta love the mind of a woman.

1. PMS. I know Day 19 is the day where I should not call my kids on anything. It seems justified to me, but actually I'm entering "Crazy Land". Better to keep quiet and save it for tomorrow. I don't know why it's taken me to the age of nearly 38 to figure this out.

2. Ironman training...DUH. I'm tired. I'm ready for taper. I'm nervous about these last three weeks. I still have some big workouts, yet I feel like letting down. I am exhausted by 9:00 PM but up by 5:00 AM because of either a workout or the damn, chirping birds outside my window.

3. My birthday. Tomorrow, June 5. I'll be 38. Sometimes I get down on my birthday...don't really know why. Maybe because I've learned to not really care about it because of past high expectations (hate those).

Here are a few things I've realized today:

1. I can swim 4500 yards in 90 minutes...how awesome is that? I couldn't believe the workout I did today and felt great doing it. My body is so strong right now.

2. It occurred to me today in the pool (and actually brought tears to my eyes). I am doing an Ironman...actually, in my book I already am one...in my 39th year. I have made it to 38. My Mom died when she was 37, so maybe part of the significance of my birthday is making it. I suppose that every person who has lost a parent has a rough time when they reach and surpass the age of that parent. Another thing...Coeur d'Alene is significant. My last memories of my Mom were when we lived in Spokane, she died shortly after our move to Southern California. This will probably really hit me at mile 18 of the marathon.

3. My kids and I have made it through the first full week of summer vacation together. We are all alive, they are happy, I am too.

Tomorrow, on my birthday, I get to ride 45 miles and run 9. It's long enough that I'm kind of dreading it, but know it's a totally possible workout. Hopefully I can get out early enough to avoid some of the heat.

Sunday I am volunteering for the Longmont Triathlon. I love volunteering at races and NEVER feel like I'd rather be doing it. Isn't that weird? I love the excitement of the day without the nerves. Plus, it's super fun to help out.

Much much much love to my brother running his first marathon in San Diego on Sunday. Go get 'em Jeremy. It will be wonderful.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Getting excited to become an Ironman..I never thought this day would come. It always seemed so far away, now I'm only 3.5 weeks out. We leave three weeks from tomorrow.

Monday was a 14 mile run, which involved some z4 and z5 work. Once that was done, I had a trudgefest for about 9 miles. Really tired. I did it, but my pace kept growing slower and slower. I spent the rest of the day whining in my head, but doing my best not to utter it.

Tuesday involved riding about 20 miles with the group and a 2000 yard swim at Union Reservoir. I was very grateful for the swim because as I kept going the water got more and more choppy. I think it was great experience for the choppiness of Lake Coeur d'Alene. I know now that if I "have a moment" in the water I can draw from this particular workout.

Today was a 4.5 mile run with TC. So good to chat and pass the time thinking about things that matter. I was definitely tired and hungry today. In about an hour I'm heading to the rec center for a 3500 yard tempo swim. I really hope I feel OK.

I am definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but my body is tired. The kids are home now, so there's just a lot more "hands on" stuff with them. Oh well. Just a week and a half left before the Taper!!