It seems, in my Ironman training, that I go for a period of time coasting, but then I reach a place where I need to do some internal work. This has been that week. I have come the realization (or maybe I knew it all along and wouldn't admit to it) that I am just plain scared. I am scared of what the next 10 weeks are going to bring, I am scared of race day, I am scared of the things I am letting go and compromising on to fit everything in, I am scared of not being what I feel I "should" be to the people that are most important to me. And to top it all off, I'm beating myself up for being scared. So, now I'm owning up to the fear. It's out there, I've labeled it, it's time to move on.
I shared this with my coach today and he is always so good to provide reassurance and encouragement. He said moving through this stuff is what makes the accomplishment that much sweeter. I didn't understand this fully until now. Now I can see why people become full of emotion and resolve during the event. As I've discovered in my training, NOBODY has a stress free training period. It's hard for everyone...fitting it in, having the energy, dealing with the mental breakthroughs, etc. What I am experiencing is typical for many, if not all, on some level. We all have expectations (both of our own making and those placed on us by others), setbacks, life stress and drama, people who are relying on us, bodily injuries and pains, to name a few. I have no idea why I think I'm the only one who struggles with this stuff, why I'm the one inventing the wheel, but maybe I need to have actual experience with certain things before they actually stick. I know things in my head but until I walk a mile in someone else's shoes, do I truly understand.
So, as far as training goes. I have completed the week according to plan, aside from my references in the previous blog post and shortening my tempo ride from 40 to 32 miles. I have an 80 something mile bike ride/4 mile run tomorrow. The weather may be iffy, so I am a bit up in the air about the whole thing. I really want to get it done tomorrow so I can fully take Sunday off and jump into week #29. I think I may have some people join me...we'll see.
6 Notes from SDX 2018
6 years ago
Jen - IM is a journey that, as you are seeing is maybe not so much about the physical, as you thought...(as we all thought)...It is so much more. So mental and so emotional...
ReplyDeleteThe workouts are the easy part...Soon, as you cross the finish line, and Mike Riley assures you that you are an Ironman every seconds sacrifice will pay back 100 fold in that split second...you'll realize what it was all for, that you probably wouldnt chance it if you could...though it will leave you forever changed!
Rock the house yo!
Jen - I felt the same exact way when I was training for Wisconsin. While in CdA with Mike and the rest of the IM crew, I was a spectator and I was scared to death. I thought - I have NO business thinking that I could do this. Who the hell do I think I am? and I actually bumped into IM World Champion, Paula Newby Frasier and she gave me the following words to ponder over when I told her I was scared to death - "What is it that drew you to Ironman?" I had to dig deep and I truly didn't find the answer until the day was upon me and after 14+ hours, it hit me and was clear as a bell. It will happen to you too -the answer may come before IMCdA and it may come after but just know that there is a reason you're doing this and that you will see it through to the very end and will soon get to call yourself an Ironman. You won't need a medal or a trophy, you will have incredible memories of a lifetime. Love to you!
ReplyDeleteHey Jen, Julie just sent me the link to your blog and I read through your posts. Thank you so much for posting this and letting us be a part of this journey. I know you're my big sister but I'm really proud of you. You are my hero and I love you!
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