Running to Stand Still...

....is not just a U2 song...it was my experience today on my attempted 9.5 miler, which turned into a 5 miler. You know in Colorado you're in trouble when the thermometer reads 71 degrees at 9:00 in the morning, in April. That means WIND. So, I thought, it can't be that bad. I have to say, I probably could have done it had I the fight in me. But, the fight is gone...it's on the road somewhere blowing around from Saturday. Since it's stabilizer...I figured I don't need to fight this week...I will muster it up and save it for the next two.

So, that's all I have planned for today and I'm totally OK with it. I have been diligent about my swims this week and those I will fight for, but the cycling and running? Not so much.

Victorious

I would jump up and sing a song right now, if I could get my rear off the couch. I did it! I mustered the gumption to get out in the uncertain weather (read: wind) and did my brick...all 60 miles of the ride and 13.5 of the run. I can't say I felt awesome, in fact, it was probably one of my most mentally challenging workouts to date. After the first 30 miles, I came home for a pitstop, to dump clothes and get more water. I was secretly hoping Eric would say, "You really should come inside, it is much too dangerous to be out there in these conditions." No, instead he said, "I know it's hard, but it will make you stronger." Of course he was right. I knew I needed to bust this out...outside. What if race day is windy? There's a good chance that it will be, for sure.

Now, I am pooped. I have no idea how I will get myself upstairs to bed...or my kids for that matter. I am soooo pleased it's over! Swim tomorrow? We'll see.


P.S. It was the most beautiful day EVER! I cannot believe the shades of green I saw today. God is so good and I am so glad to be a participant in it today.

Uncertainty

The one huge thing about IM training that I didn't really think about was the uncertainty. I had to take yesterday off because of the uncertain schedule...one thing after another, plus a sick kid. Today, do I bag the brick because I need to get the swim in? Do I move everything back a day and do the brick tomorrow? Do the swim today? Do the brick tomorrow after church or skip church? Save the swim for the afternoon or do it first thing in the morning? But if I swim in the morning and the weather looks good in the afternoon, should I still do my brick?

This crap is running through my head and has been for the last 3 days. I check the weather report over and over again, seeing if in the last 3 minutes it has changed in my favor. What if I have to ride indoors again? Will I be preparing myself well enough for Ironman? Am I copping out by not embracing the elements? Am I being stupid, thinking I'm a good enough rider to sustain weather and wind? AHHHHHHHHHHH....ENOUGH ALREADY! Sheesh.

Well, now that I've spewed my internal brain dialogue all over you...I apologize. My mind and I seem to be at odds most of the time.

I love spring weather...I usually can't get enough of it. Colorado weather is one of the things that drew me here. But, the uncertainty of it now feels like a curse. And now I'm being one of those super annoying people that whines about it...too hot, too cold, too windy, too sunny, too rainy. I don't want to be that person. This is what I get for signing up for an early summer race. It's OK. I want to get it over with so I can enjoy the fun summer with my family...that was the point.

Anyways, at this point my hope is to swim later and brick tomorrow after church. I have a stabilizer week coming up, so it won't throw much of a wrench into the next week of training, thankfully.

Thoughts on Zone 4

For those of you that are not triathletes, our coach trains with Heart Rate Zones. So, for a brief rundown, zone 1...super easy, could do it all day; zone 2...a little bit harder, most of training is here; zone 3...harder still, definitely doing work, but rewarding; zone 4...sucks, voices in the head, hurts; zone 5...saved for very short spurts, usually 100-200 meters (for running).

In the pool today as I had on the docket to do 20 x 75 yards in zone 4, which means that for three lengths I had to do back stroke, breast stroke and free all in zone 4 for each length. Twenty of them, divided with 30 seconds of rest. With this "almost mile" of zone 4 swimming before me, I was in a state of complete dread, as I am before most workouts that require me to be here. All of this leads me to sharing with you these thoughts.

Zone 4:

...is something I dread
...is very painful when running, particularly long distances of 1-2 miles in mid zone 4
...is required to become stronger and improve
...is very challenging for me mentally
...puts me in a bad mood, in fact, today, I was angry at it.
...is SUPER rewarding when finished...like pumpfistshighintheair rewarding
...hurts
...shows me what I'm made of
...tests me
...makes me wonder why the hell I am doing this to myself
...requires an iPod, preferably with Linkin Park, Black Eyed Peas, or anything that gets the mind off of the pain.

So, with these thoughts, I must expand my thinking for you. Without zone 4 pain in my training, I wouldn't see any growth, improvement or PRs set. I could coast along, happy, not worried, and just LOVE my workouts. However, would all the time spent in training be reflected come race day? I don't know, maybe, but not likely. Carry this over to life. How many times do I think that if I'm in a really hard phase, like kid problems, challenges in relationships, marital drama, times of personal discipline...do I think I must be doing something wrong if it's hard? Actually, moving through these sometimes, seemingly rocky or impossible times is what provides the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical muscle needed to move onto to the rest of life, to more full life. It may seem wrong when I'm in it, but maybe that's exactly where I need to be...right smack dab in the middle.

Now the mid-week rundown:

Monday's long run...done, good, lots of painful zone 4...grrr. Tuesday brought an easy swim (done) and easy ride on the trainer (done). Today's swim is over...all complete. Tomorrow will be a full day with somehow fitting in a run and ride...probably will be an early morning.

I am very grateful for this week. I feel like I'm able to breathe a little better after last.

Moving Forward

With all the drama in my head last week, I can successfully say "I did it". I made it through, muddling, crawling, whining, etc. and am now ready to tackle Week #29. My 80 something mile ride on Saturday turned into a 3.5 hour ride with Eric, for 50 miles, including a trip up to Jamestown. Then, we had some rain, so moved the next 2 hours indoors. That was a bit torturous...watched some documentary about the fashion industry (so not me), and pedaled my way to a 4 mile run. Brooks joined me on his bike. It was really fun to hear the rambling conversation of a 10 year old. It's amazing how much he thinks he knows but doesn't know. So, I spend a lot of time saying, "hmmmm" and interjecting my opinion quietly and graciously as needed (read: only when I'm stable or too tired to disagree, as in Saturday).

I am feeling stronger on my new bike, the aero position is coming more naturally. I am also learning that when I feel negative or angry, I need to eat...not sports drink, but real food. I found Mrs. May's Trio Bars at Costco. They are packed with yummy, nutritious things that provide sustenance. I also think I need a good ol' fashioned PB and J. For some reason I don't feel hunger on the bike like I do running...it's a whole different set of cues I need to start figuring out.

Onto this week:

Monday: 16 mile run
Tuesday: 22 mile ride, 1500 easy swim
Wednesday: 2650 tempo swim
Thursday: 7 mile run, 36 mile tempo ride
Friday: 3450 endurance swim
Saturday: 61 mile ride/13.5 mile run

Goals: 7600 yards swimming
119 miles cycling
36.5 miles running

So, here I am...on the cusp of my 16 mile run...tummy full...kids getting ready for school...wondering how I'm going to feel...and crazy enough to realize that 2.5 hours on the road is no big deal. Wow, what a difference a change in perspective makes.

Side note: Thank you to all of you who have provided encouragement, wisdom, insight and support into helping me figure out why the hell I am doing this. I know it will all be made clear come crossing that line. I am feeling much better about things! Thank you.

Deep Breathing

It seems, in my Ironman training, that I go for a period of time coasting, but then I reach a place where I need to do some internal work. This has been that week. I have come the realization (or maybe I knew it all along and wouldn't admit to it) that I am just plain scared. I am scared of what the next 10 weeks are going to bring, I am scared of race day, I am scared of the things I am letting go and compromising on to fit everything in, I am scared of not being what I feel I "should" be to the people that are most important to me. And to top it all off, I'm beating myself up for being scared. So, now I'm owning up to the fear. It's out there, I've labeled it, it's time to move on.

I shared this with my coach today and he is always so good to provide reassurance and encouragement. He said moving through this stuff is what makes the accomplishment that much sweeter. I didn't understand this fully until now. Now I can see why people become full of emotion and resolve during the event. As I've discovered in my training, NOBODY has a stress free training period. It's hard for everyone...fitting it in, having the energy, dealing with the mental breakthroughs, etc. What I am experiencing is typical for many, if not all, on some level. We all have expectations (both of our own making and those placed on us by others), setbacks, life stress and drama, people who are relying on us, bodily injuries and pains, to name a few. I have no idea why I think I'm the only one who struggles with this stuff, why I'm the one inventing the wheel, but maybe I need to have actual experience with certain things before they actually stick. I know things in my head but until I walk a mile in someone else's shoes, do I truly understand.

So, as far as training goes. I have completed the week according to plan, aside from my references in the previous blog post and shortening my tempo ride from 40 to 32 miles. I have an 80 something mile bike ride/4 mile run tomorrow. The weather may be iffy, so I am a bit up in the air about the whole thing. I really want to get it done tomorrow so I can fully take Sunday off and jump into week #29. I think I may have some people join me...we'll see.

Adjustments

Well, as smoothly as this week looked on paper, it hasn't turned out to be as such. Yesterday while all prepared for my long run, I got 5.5 under my belt at the local track with a friend, then my cell phone rang (normally don't carry one, but happened to throw it in the pack today). It was Andrew's preschool calling to say he was feeling sick, laying on the floor, crying. There was no way I could leave that poor child to suffer, so I busted it home, hopped in the car and picked him up.

So, the plan changed. Instead of my long run I amended it to my 11 mile tempo run, divided by 8 hours. I finished up with 5.5 in the evening with all the speedwork attached. I was happy to get that one done. Anything that requires zone 4 and zone 5 repeats I am relieved when it's over.

Today I got my tempo swim in, and was planning my easy ride outdoors tonight, but the wind is fiercely howling....so, another amendment to "The Plan". I will probably be indoors watching "The Biggest Loser", which is totally fine with me. Adjustments, flexibility, letting it roll...that is the name of the game this week.

I will keep you posted on how well I do with the rest of the week, while trying not to get blown away.

Yikes

My week is done, body feels better, very thankful and anticipating next week's build week. Aye yi yi! Here's the basic rundown...hopefully it will happen..looks like a possibility:

Monday: 14.5 mile run
Tuesday: 2150 tempo swim, 32 mile ride
Wednesday: 11 mile tempo run
Thursday: 40 mile tempo ride
Friday: 2650 swim
Saturday: 87 mile ride/4 mile run

Take a deep breath...you can do this!

Week #27 thoughts

This stabilizer week is passing by rather uneventfully. I have enjoyed two swims, two runs, a basement spin so far. Hopefully, if everything goes as planned I will head out on a 28 mile bike ride this evening. It is such a lovely day I hope to be able to ride in shorts and short sleeves..amazing.

I am so grateful my body is feeling well, things are chugging along. I have to confess, however, to some nervous anticipation of the final weeks of this training. Truly, I only have about 10 left, three or so of which are stabilizers, so that means 7 or so hard weeks. I know things are ratcheting up and I know that I will fit things in the best that they will. It is exciting. I am learning so much about myself in this process. How, I think it's human nature to want to anticipate everything before we take a step...but most everything worth anything is a journey of faith and trust. We can never figure out the whole picture before moving forward...we just have to know that it's in God's hands and he knows our hearts and desires. There are times, though, where he doesn't give me what I want. I start the process and it doesn't work out how I thought. Does that mean I've failed? Maybe, maybe not. But, have I learned something new in the process? Absolutely. Have I grown my faith? Yes. What if I don't become an Ironman? Well, I will certainly be disappointed, but it's unreal how much I have developed, changed, been challenged and trusted. I'm not saying that's the case...I have no idea, but I do know that I have a God I can trust in and he is faithful to make all things new.

Ha! Gotta love it. I love what is sitting at my fingertips needing to weasel it's way out.

Back to it

After my drama with my back last week, I stepped back to it today. I took Wednesday through Sunday completely off, even off from mothering for two of those. Well, Sunday I did a short run/walk just to see. This morning I ran 8 miles. My back was telling me it was there, but nothing more. I kept checking in and felt fine, so I just kept on truckin'. Came home, put some frozen edamame on the problem spot and went on with my day. I got all the kids where they needed to be and went for a swim. I was tentative, especially with my left side, but it all worked. Again, it told me it was there, but nothing major. I am so pleased. I was afraid that I was getting used to the "laying around" bit, and I definitely was, but it's time to get cracking again.

Our Spring Break turned out wonderfully. I was grateful to be injured on this week of all weeks. I could really be present with the kids and Eric, and not have to ride/run in the crazy wind we've had. In fact, I layed on the couch with a book and listened to it blow, without any notion of needing to be outside. It was wonderful. I am glad for the rest and respite, now back to training.

This week is a stabilizer, so I will ease into training again. Hopefully I can complete the prescribed workout schedule, but if I need to take a break, I will. No worries.

Thank you to all of you for your concern and prayers. Hopefully it's back on track from here.

Bummed

On Monday evening, while goofing around with the kids, I fell backwards and hit the edge of a flagstone bench with my back. I tried running and swimming this week, to no avail. I rode once and felt OK. Yesterday I took the day off thinking it would help alleviate some of the discomfort, but today I feel worse. I don't know what to do. I have a call in to a local physical therapist to see if maybe they can see me today.

I guess I'm just discouraged. I don't think I really mind the time off of training, but it scares me. I am trying to pray and know that God has this in his mind, too, but I can't help but be anxious. My coach said to just lay off, let it heal and I may even return stronger. I just know that my brain can go the wrong direction with this stuff.

Anyways, hopefully I can get some help.

On another note, it's Good Friday. Maybe in this time of rest it is a reminder of what Jesus did on the cross for all of us. In this time of discomfort and frustration, I can focus a bit more on the sacrifice made, rather than on myself for once. I know I will still think of "me" cuz that's what I do, but maybe I will be a bit more mindful today.