Redefining

With some space in my life the past few days I feel like I have been able to reach a conclusion regarding what has been bothering me. It is an age old issue for me and for many people, I suspect. I visited a counselor last spring and this is the main issue that surfaced, interesting how things have a way of coming back around. My struggle seems to boil down to worth. I am constantly feeling unworthy of the Ironman goal for a couple of reasons, the main being weight. Yes, I can tell myself all the great things in the world...I'm getting stronger, faster, fitter...but if my clothes don't fit like they should (or like I want them to), my worth as a person and as a triathlete is questioned. Thankfully I can recognize it now. I had a moment on my trainer yesterday when I was in the middle of a two hour ride. I was watching "The Biggest Loser" when they all went to the Olympic Training Center. It was powerful stuff, considering The Olympics are on right now. Koli was really bummed because another dude (James or John) went home the week before. Koli was struggling with his worth, feeling like he should have gone home because he doesn't have a wife and/or children like James/John did. Of course, I can sit there and see that he certainly should be there and desperately needs to be there, but he couldn't believe it for himself. I put myself in the exact same position. I have been feeling so unworthy of the goal and completion of an Ironman. I even told my coach the other day that I didn't think I was worthy of a new tri bike. What could make me more deserving than training for a *#@?#*en Ironman? Needless to say, I felt like yesterday really defined the struggle and has allowed me to pray more clearly about why I am sensing resistance. Just as I have learned that God needs to "make my paths straight" where training/planning/family is concerned, I need to trust that this Ironman goal is his and he is shaping it and making it useful for his purposes.

I have been very focused on Romans 12:1 this week. It reads, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship." I think of what it means to be a living sacrifice...that's not an easy thing, to be a sacrifice...much less a living one. I am not a scholar but to me it means that my life, my physical, spiritual, mental, emotional self is to be an offering and given to God for his purposes. And in doing that I trust him completely to shape and mold me. Is this easy? Absolutely not! Do I need to be perfect? No. Do I need to be seeking him daily? Totally, humbly and honestly.

I am so humbled and grateful that I can move forward fully trusting and honoring this calling I've been given, because I truly believe that is what it is...a calling. There's no way I could do it for any other reason. I am looking forward to the next two weeks of building, challenging and growing. I hope I will know new strength, resolve, confidence and worthiness.