Puzzled

Moving

2010-12-01T05:53:00.000-08:00

I am discontinuing this blog for the time being and moving to another space. My new address is jenjepsen.blogspot.com It's time to move beyond Ironman (I may return, just not sure when) to issues of faith.

Thank you all for reading about my IM journey!

Jen

Post 100

2010-11-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that I have had enough to say for a year to warrant 100 posts. Yikes. When I began the blog I was terrified of my writing ability, expressing myself, and potentially failing. Well, I suppose if one is honest and speaks his/her mind, there really isn't the opportunity to fail. I may lose readership, but whatever.

So, this weekend, yesterday and today, for 16 total hours, Eric and I attended training through Boulder County to serve in the area of foster parenting, respite care or fost-adopt. We have one more day of training next weekend, but it is nice to have 2/3 behind us. We are not 100% certain, in what capacity we will serve, but we are going down the path to be better informed, fully understanding what we are getting ourselves and our family into.

I can definitely say, at this point, that my heart has been opened. I have moments of fear and concern, but these are countered by equal parts desire to provide a difference in the life of a child who has done nothing to deserve their situation but be born. I look at my own three peeps and think about how truly "easy" their little lives are. They don't live in a state of survival or fear (for the most part, except for the two days/month I should be certified clinically insane). They have cozy beds, painted rooms, great clothes, ample food, safe community and schools, advocates, teachers of faith, love, and grace, etc. They are supervised, questioned, disciplined, accounted for and rewarded. Many of these children who need homes just need to know they are safe. All children (and adults for that matter) are entitled to food, shelter, safety, and love. Do we all receive this? If we did...what would the world look like? Boulder County? Longmont?

My heart is certifiably broken. I am humbled beyond measure. I am floored by the hearts of people in our community. I am blessed to see the need and know that I can play a part, no matter how small, in making a difference. Am I scared? Yes. Do I know what I'm doing? No. Am I trusting? Yes. Is God faithful? Absolutely. Who knows where all this will lead, but I am excited and incredibly grateful, once again.

I have not fallen off the face of the planet!

2010-10-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things I've been up to:

1. Ran the Denver Marathon October 17. Managed a 3:52, which was a tad too slow for Boston Qualification. Stressed a bit the next day about trying to qualify and the decision was made for me by 5:00 that night when Boston filled up in an unprecedented 8 hours. Oh well...can't say I didn't give it a fair shake. I was happy with my performance and let go of the BQ goal at about mile 16 when the pace began slowing. Sometimes it's important to be flexible. The marathon was a wonderful bridge for me after the Ironman...to come off the incredible accomplishment, but still have a goal.

2. Kids are all in school full time. I am happy with the schedule, but can feel a bit "unproductive". The feeling eventually passes and I get busy with kids at 3:30 for the next 5 hours every day.

3. I've been questioning a lot about my faith. I am 100% certain now that I am on the right path of grace and love. I am tired of Christians, frankly. I want to make a difference for Jesus in the world through love.

4. We are moving forward in becoming Foster Parents through Boulder County. Our first day of "training" is next week. I am very interested to see where we wind up with all of this. As in Ironman, I am getting more excited than scared. I cannot wait to meet our new "peeps" soon.

5. Hopped in the pool for the first time in two months. I swam 2400 yards and it was awesome...looking forward to getting rolling again.

6. Starting Pilates this week with an instructor friend. I'll let you know what I think.

7. Considering my goals for next season. I'm thinking about shooting for sprint and olympic distance triathlons, one half ironman and running races, namely the half marathon distance.

8. Enjoying an easy week and contemplating painting.

I am feeling great after the marathon. My body healed and recovered quickly. It's so nice to have the fitness base that I do now. I am wondering what next season will look like. I would like to see some faster times with the shorter distances, since I've been focusing on such long distances. It is really neat to know that I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for!

Twenty Miler

2010-09-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of doing my 20 mile run. Thankfully a dear friend joined me for the middle third, which made the whole thing much more palatable. Actually, I had a good time. I averaged a 9:20 pace, which I think is adequate to attempt a Boston Qualifier...we'll see. I am at least hopeful for October 17.

Running has been great, kids are great, everything is just clicking away at a nice little clip. Not much to report, just hanging on and doing my best to be a decent individual.

A New Leaf

2010-08-30T11:06:00.001-07:00

So...hello....it's been awhile. Sorry about that. I just haven't felt very compelled to write, not much to say...at least not from the Triathlon end of things. I am still training for the Denver Marathon. Managed 16 miles yesterday early. It was a great run and I feel pretty good today. I did manage to eat my weight in food afterwards, but oh well.

The summer has ended well. The kids all went seamlessly to school. They are very happy, including my new full day Kindergartner. He is in Heaven...as am I. The days to myself are something I've not had for about a decade. Fortunately, I was warned by many a mother to relax into the new schedule because it is super easy to fill the time. My desire has been to get things done during the day (including a nap) and relish the kids being home at the end of the day. Some days are better than others, but I do see myself now as a mom that does best when I'm not always ON! I need my time to myself and with other grownups. I am so grateful that I don't have to work and that I'm not currently training for an Ironman. Been there, done that. Not forever, but for now it's perfect.

The puppy, Theo, is working out great. We have all adopted him and he us. He is fantastic and offers us much consternation and joy each day. We are very grateful he came into our lives when he did and has given us the grace and time to grieve our Maddy.

Running is such a wonderful thing right now. I was riding my bike...I stopped. I have re-entered the world of swimming also, just once a week. I need the simplicity. I need to just have shoes, my heart rate monitor, ipod and dirt roads. I needed about 5 weeks post Ironman to get back into it. Now it's just part of me! I am doing more running in the later morning, after the kids go to school, which is different. It's hot! That will all change soon, though. I'm curious what weather the marathon will bring...maybe the 80 degree temp training will pay off. I still want to qualify for Boston, but not holding my breath. If I get there...great. If not...no biggie. I will have made a solid effort.

We are on the cusp of some new things in our life as a family. I can't really talk about it here, but would appreciate prayers if you think of us. I am so grateful for the work God is doing in me and have seen new perspectives in my life since the Ironman. What an amazing way to learn His amazing faithfulness. He is so good to me.

Not feeling it...

2010-07-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

So, in my return to "training" since Cd'A, I just assumed that three weeks off would be sufficient. NOT! My goodness. This is my second week of running, some cycling and one swim. I feel like I'm moving through cement, my heart rate is either super low or high....you name it. I don't want to be ungrateful or minimize my IM experience...but I feel like crap. Anyways, I'm not sure what to do about it and I'm not sure if I should even maintain the goals I've set. It just seems like maybe I need a break of more than 3 weeks.

It's weird how you can be completely on top of your game...feeling strong and fast and then just... blah. I don't get it, but I suspect my body is trying to tell me something. I will do my best to listen...or not. Maybe I'll just push through. I'll let you know.

Life is going well. Summer is moving along...some days it seems at molasses pace. Many days, we hunker down during the heat of the day and come out at night. Even the puppy sleeps all day and resumes his silly antics in the evening when the edge is off. Kids return to school in three weeks. I am REALLY trying not to fantasize too much...but the thought of having the time to myself gets me all giddy inside. I don't want to wish the days away, but I do.

Bitter and Sweet

2010-07-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

Today is a day I have been dreading, but knowing it would come sooner than later. Our wonderful dog, Maddy, needs to be put to sleep. Her decline has been steady up until now, it is clear. She has been a steadfast, patient presence in our lives since before having children, 11 years ago. She is a blessing, a running partner, a supporter, a tolerator, for all of these years. I am so grateful to have had her in my life and will miss her large body and spirit as she heads to Doggy Heaven. I pray for the ability for my kids to grieve and for Eric and I to be an example in this. Remember that movie from awhile ago? The one with Sally Field and Michael J. Fox who are the voices to the two dogs and cat traversing the countryside looking for their owners? Well, the Golden Retriever voice is the voice I've given to Maddy in female form. I imagine she talks to me in her head in the voice of Maya Angelou...a calm, authoritative tone that offers insight and protection. We have been through pregnancies, births, sleepless nights, babies, toddlers, sassy tweens, snowstorms, thunderstorms, heat waves, new businesses, graduations, new homes, new and old neighbors, 5 marathons, many triathlons, and Ironman. There is nothing like a beloved pet to mark the passing of time and major life events. I know she has loved unconditionally. She has been my partner in life and I haven't always been the nicest of housemates. There is nothing like a beloved pet to mark the passing of time and major life events. I know she has loved unconditionally. I will miss you Maddy-girl.

On the sweet side, we acquired a new puppy just Tuesday. He is a love and a bundle of sweet, exuberant energy. I know this will make the transition easier for all of us. His name is Theo, he's a Portuguese Water Dog and 4 months old. I am so grateful for him and believe he will bring us to the next stages of life: all kids in school full-time, middle school and high school years, graduations, drivers' licenses, and a whole host of other things I cannot imagine. We are blessed and grateful for this little guy.

A heavy week, for sure. It will be a day of sadness, remembrance, gratitude and laughter...the whole gamut.

New Goals

2010-07-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I have felt rather free these past three weeks. I have not done one lick of organized exercise, aside from painting. Our raft trip was wonderful, but as far as exercise goes? Well, let's just say, my bottom has been well used. We had a fantastic time, just one scary part, some rain, lots of sun, some frustration and lots of laughs. I love what Ironman has taught me. I know that when I hit a low point, a high point is right around the bend...thankfully. That way, I can wait in expectation and not be fearful.

So, onto the topic at hand. I have officially set new goals, although I'm not official enough to have signed up for them...yet. My plan is to do the Rattlesnake Olympic Distance Tri in August; maybe another sprint one in there somewhere...but my big goal is the Denver Marathon on October 17. I really want to qualify for Boston again, to run this Spring.

My favorite author (and unmet friend), Kristin Armstrong, is releasing her new book at Boston. She has challenged her blog readers to do their best to get there. So, I'm taking on the challenge. I have no idea what my running fitness is post-Ironman....but I figure with some intentional speedwork and diligence, I have a shot. Plus, I gotta say...marathon training sounds awesome right now, so simple, all I need is shoes. Amazing the change in perspective.

Feeling

2010-07-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm nearly two weeks out from my Ironman, I want to return and let you all know what's going on in my mind and body. It has been a smooth recovery...nothing notable to report, other than incredible soreness after painting one day. What? Wasn't expecting it, but clearly my body is dealing with more than I'm willing to give it credit for. Actually, that's not true. I am incredibly grateful for what my body has done for me in recent weeks and months.

So, in my attempt to make good on some promises...I have painted two out of three of my kids' rooms. I've been telling them for 9 months that I would get to it, now I finally am and they are so grateful. Blue for Claire, green for Andrew, and grey for Brooks (next week).

Painting for two days straight has given me lots of time and opportunity to think about the Ironman and consider what is next. It's an interesting thing, processing something so huge. Here you have a year (since sign up) of wondering, worrying, processing, training, eating, learning, growing, transforming...then it's over, done, finished. I know it is a jumping off point, but still, it's difficult. I was warned and I knew it would happen, but it is still important to feel and process what is moving through my mind. I'm not attaching much value to my feelings, I just want to roll with them and discern the ones that need more time and attention. This is new for me. I used to put so much stock into my feelings and worry about my reactions. I now know it's normal, natural and part of the process.

I have also had to grieve some. Returning from Idaho has been like coming home from camp. I so wanted to come home, but part of my heart has stayed on Hayden Lake...the location, the experience, the time with my family. A little piece of me is still there and will stay. It was a miraculous time, filled with laughter, good conversation, time together, and an Ironman. What a gift. I know I will never re-create this...not that I won't set goals, maybe even do another, but there's nothing like the first. I am so grateful to the people who told me to smile and enjoy for it will go too fast. At mile 20 of the marathon, or 60 of the ride I didn't think that....but I do now.

So, what to do with these feelings? How do I move forward? Well, I still have two days before I will make race plans...I am requiring two weeks of myself. I do have some ideas, however, that will be revealed at a later date. Also, I did my IM early in the summer so I wouldn't have to be racing/training while the kids are home...so, again, sticking to my promises...I will begin by going on a raft trip. We are taking off this afternoon for 4 nights (3 on the river). I think it will be fun, but I know there will be moments where I will wish for my own bed and fridge. Oh well. One thing Ironman has given me is perspective. Sleeping three nights on the ground in God's beautiful country is certainly no biggie! I am looking forward to uninterrupted time with my kids and husband, floating on the river, hearing their banter, sleeping under the stars.

I feel so blessed. I feel powerful, alive and optimistic. I feel hopeful, peaceful and joyful. I feel excited, adventurous, and a little bit scared. I feel grateful. I feel loved. I feel cherished. I feel alive!

Ironman Coeur d'Alene 2010 Race Report: Post Race

2010-07-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

After the finish, I was held onto by a volunteer, asked questions as to where I was, took a couple pictures, went to the finish area for a few bites of pizza and Sprite. My stomach was on edge, so I was very tenuous about putting a lot in. I sat down, stretched some, nibbled.

Once I felt stable, we walked about a half mile to the car. I was slow, but I think it was good for me.

We made it back to the house, I showered...got in my new PJs that my lovely sister sent, knowing I would need some "recovery" clothes after my body was broken. Trevor made delicious hamburgers, which I was able to get down. I went to bed and slept somewhat fitfully because of soreness.

I barely walked on Monday, wasn't very hungry. I am so grateful we didn't fly out that day. We didn't need to leave until Thursday.

Since the water was 83 steps from the house, I had to be very intentional about trips up and down the steps. Honestly, though, I've been much more sore after marathons than this.

I sat on the boat, didn't do much, laid on the couch, took a short nap...all in all a perfect "post race" day.

My dad is a pastor, so we had arranged for my older two children to be baptized in the Lake. We had a lovely homemade service with one brother on the guitar, the other on the flute while we sang "Amazing Grace" together on the dock. My dad said a few words, we prayed. It was wonderful and perfect in every way! There is not much better in the world, as a parent, to see your kids starting off right. We shed a few tears and had some laughs.

The boys and AC left on Tuesday. I was so sad to see them go, but they all have lives and needed to get back. The rest of us toured Riverfront Park, and my parents and I drove around Spokane to see the places we used to frequent when we lived there (I was 6-12). It's funny the things I remembered. Much of the city was unchanged. We walked through the church and the neighborhood...saw my elementary school and where we shopped and played. Lots of fun memories.

We visited friends in Priest River on Wednesday, drove around Northern Idaho, taking in the beauty. Left for home on Thursday. Said goodbye to the house, the cove, the community. It was rather bittersweet.

I can totally see now why people do this IM thing more than once. It is magical in so many ways!

Ironman Coeur d'Alene 2010 Race Report: Race Day!!

2010-07-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 4:00 A.M. My mom was already up brewing the coffee...bless her. I was not ready to get up, I actually slept great, contrary to popular opinion.

I drank a mug of coffee, had some hot cereal and milk...I calculated my breakfast at around 600 calories. I really wanted to make sure I got it in. Sipped Infinit through the morning.

Our minivan was full with my firstborn, parents, brothers, Eric and myself. Eric's parents kept the other kids in their RV for the night which was closer to the race. When we all get together, it's hilarious, so I listened to the banter and laughed a lot on the way to the race.

Eric dropped all of us off while he went to find a parking spot. I got body marked, piled my bike with nutrition, dropped off Special Needs bags, stood in the potty line, watched the pro start, donned the wetsuit. I wanted to get in the water for a bit of a warm up. I had done a short swim in Hayden Lake earlier, but had not yet stepped foot in Cd'A Lake. It was a beautiful clear morning, water was pretty calm compared to what I had heard about previous years...learned later that the temperature was only 51 degrees...10 degrees colder than my home reservoir. I got in, did a little out and back and kind of freaked out...just a little one. I came back to my family and told them I was going to hang back and take the swim slow.

The Swim

I realized that if I went to the outside, I would be swimming a lot farther than necessary, so I found a spot smack dab in the middle. Everyone else around me looked just as freaked as me, so I figured I was in a good place. We nervously chatted and laughed. I suggested we all make a pact to be gentle and not swim over one another. The girl behind me was totally good with that, she said, as long as she could draft off me...totally fine!

The cannon went off and immediately the calm came. I walked to the water, saw an opening and started swimming. I took it easy...couldn't really go crazy...we were all touching. I swam much of the first length with my head up. There was a lot of contact but nothing scary or damaging. My breathing was under control, I tried to sight, but it didn't really matter...I was just being carried along. We all converged on the red turn buoy and everything came to screaming halt. Basically everyone showed up at the same location, at the same time, and all many of us could do was tread water and be carried along. It was interesting, but I kept my wits about me.

The return to the shore was rather uneventful...still lots of contact, but it started to become fun. I exited the water, heard 36 minutes...better than I expected. We were corralled on the sand, to the next lap. I commented to a guy next to me that I didn't want to do that again (as far as the craziness), so I took it wide and swam on the outside the next lap. I think I went too far out, because it took some time to make it back to the turn buoy. Anyways, I took it tighter on the turn and last stretch in for the finish.

T1:

Exited the water, felt a little woozy from the water. Went to the wetsuit strippers, had it peeled off in no time, grabbed swim to bike bag, went to change tent. I took everything intentionally, didn't really race through. I knew I had a long day ahead of me and the last thing I wanted was to forget something essential. I nibbled a Power Bar while my volunteer helped me get everything on. I wore my bike shorts and a tri top and sports bra under my wetsuit. I meant to take off the tri top, but learned later, that I forgot. I donned my Blue Sky bike jersey, put on my socks and shoes, found my Garmin but forgot my chest strap. So much for knowing my heart rate. Oh well. I kind of expected something like that to happen. Got sunscreen on, drank a cup of water, grabbed my bike and got going.

I saw my family right away and made sure to smile lots through town. I felt good, kept my HR under control, went out for the first dog leg. My nutrition goals were to drink Infinit every 15 minutes, consuming one bottle per hour; eat a banana when I could get it in; PBJ at mile 60 or so; Powergel at 20, 40, 60, 80, 100; and lots of water. I felt great, just took it easy on the hills. My coach said I could ride in zone 3 and power up the hills into zone 4. I KNOW I wasn't in zone 3 very much. I think I mostly rode in zones 1 and 2. For my first IM...I really wanted to finish up strong. I didn't want to leave it all on the bike and "make it" through the run. So, I held back on the bike...probably too much...but it's my least confident sport...so, you know.

The course was very hilly and it started to get hot. I just spun up the hills and tried to aero as much as possible on the downhill sections. It was rather tricky because of the bends and hairpin turns, where, for me, it's not safe to ride aero. I did the best I could while being careful. Everyone around me was cautious, too, so that made it easier.

I tried to be diligent about my nutrition, knowing this could make or break a day. I had to stop and go potty about 4 times, took off my tri top, stopped at special needs to reload my bottles, chain fell off around mile 40, made sure to be courteous and kind to the volunteers, and did my best to set myself up for a good run...that being my main goal.

Another main goal of mine was to not allow any self-defeating talk, the bike being the main place for this in my training. Whenever I started to "go there", I started thinking of my verse ("I can do all things through him who gives me strength"), or I ate something, or said an encouraging word to a passerby. I did my best to keep a smile plastered on my face at ALL times!

I got passed A LOT on the bike...had no idea about time because my GPS was turned off and I just didn't really want to know. I knew it was going to be longer than 7 hours, which I was really hoping for sub 7, but whatever. At this point, those ideas don't stick.

T2:

Finished the bike with a smile and a joke with my bike catcher. Grabbed what I needed from my bike (my trusty salt tabs and Advil), and headed to T2. The first few steps were interesting, but I had been warned about that. I knew my legs would come back. Changed my shorts, put on a skirt and cute pink top, added a hat, found my chest strap (in the wrong bag), put on my socks and shoes, reloaded the sunscreen, ate a gel, had water, went potty, and I was off.

The Run:

I saw my family again right away (wonderful!), gave my eldest a hug, lots of smiles. My legs felt great! My coach was adamant about staying in low-mid zone 2, so I just got my legs moving and kept it low. I don't think I could have done much more than that anyway, to be honest. My feet were present, which was a surprise. My nutrition goal here was to eat a Powergel every 4 miles, drink coke/gatorade at every other mile. I knew that all I had to do now was take it one mile at a time. I just ran from one food station to the next. I walked each aid station, haven't mastered the running and eating thing. I started with coke and it made me have stomach cramps, so I stuck to Gatorade and took in some chicken broth later.

The first 13 miles was pretty uneventful. There's a nice hill at the turnaround that I walked part of, then realized I had enough juice to run. I kept my pace even, tried to spot people I knew, encouraged where I could, smiled lots, said "thank you". I just ticked the miles off. I had no idea of time, so I went on HR and feel.

I saw my family around mile 14 and Eric ran with me for a bit. He said I had a strong swim, lost about 400 places on the bike and had already made them up on the run. He said to keep running because I could pick off a ton of people, who were just walking. I guess I really did pick it up, because apparently miles 14-21 I ran a little over a 9 minute mile. Amazing! At this point I started counting the people I was passing. I counted 150 between 14 and 24 or so. That was a good feeling. I stuck to my nutrition, did the hill, walked the stations and knew it was in the bag, while being respectful and knowing anything could change.

I started to get teary eyed around mile 24, chatted with a guy from Canada for mile 25, at mile 26 I made the turn, saw the downhill, the lights, the crowds, heard the voices and the cheering and knew I had it! I was an IRONMAN! I saw my family...smiled, cheered, raised my hands and finished strong!

Received a medal, tee shirt and hat! What an incredible day!

Total Time: 13:36
Overall Place: 1236/2090 (?)
Swim: 1:23
T1: 11:57
Bike: 7:11, 15.6 mph
T2: 9:19
Run: 4:34, 10:28/mile

Ironman Coeur d'Alene 2010 Race Report: Pre Race

2010-07-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

We arrived into Spokane Airport on Thursday, June 24th. All of a sudden, it hit me. This was real. I was going to be doing an Ironman, didn't quite believe yet, that I would become one. Our flight was uneventful. I sat next to a man from Houston who was doing his second, his first being Brazil. He was very nervous (I was not nervous at all compared to this guy)...he had expectations...to break 11 hours. We talked the whole flight, he gave me tips, we chatted about our triathlon history. He was debating whether or not to do another IM that opened up in his community or the Boston Marathon. Since he already qualified, I told him to do that...it's so wonderful.

We managed to get to Hayden, ID pretty quick after the airport. No big deal. We were all starving, but knew we needed groceries, so did that.

Eric's parents met us at the house with my firstborn. It was great to see them, but again, starving and nervous. Not a great combination.

Our house was on Hayden Lake, 83 steps from the water. We were tucked away in a cove with all kinds of wildlife and greenery. It was remarkable. The beauty and landscape in the Northwest is so different than Colorado.

My parents arrived from California late that night. It was wonderful to see them and know that they were there for me.

My brothers, Trevor and Jeremy, came in from Chicago and California the next morning.

Friday, Eric and I arrived at Race Headquarters in Cd'A to pick up my race packet, get my transition bags, purchase some souvenirs and get last minute items. I wasn't too intimidated by what I saw, but I did sense the weight of what I had trained for and what I would be doing in two days. Went to a pre-race mandatory meeting that was unnecessary...arrived on time, but they started the meeting 20 minutes early. Oh well...I wasn't gonna win, just follow the people in front, I guess, and review my information.

We returned to the house to see my brothers. The house could not have been more perfect. It turned out to be my refuge, my place of reflection and rest in the midst of what what swirling all around and inside me. We went out on the boat, went fishing, watched the kids swim, ate dinner altogether. I was nervous, but everything else provided a great distraction and reminder of the important things in life.

Saturday, we returned to Cd'A to turn in my bike and transition bags. I love this because it provides so much less to do on race morning, when the brain leaves the body.

My dear friend, AC, showed up Saturday night from home. I told her she didn't need to come, but she insisted because no one else she knows has done anything this big...it was important to her. What a great friend. I am blessed.

I was very pensive on Saturday. Fear of the unknown, I suppose. I asked my brother what his take was on "nerves", since he's a musician, composer and performer. He said that they indicate he's alive, that he's doing something worthwhile with his life...as opposed to anxiety that has nothing to attach to, it's just a meaningless fear with no true root or anchor. I loved that...his insight provided great comfort for me. I spent some time in prayer, being grateful, seeking, praying that my day would be about glorifying God, about being reminded of his faithfulness. My training would have been impossible without him.

I went to bed at 10:00..a decent hour. Fell asleep rather quickly. Everything was in it's place...all I had to do in the morning was drink coffee; eat my hot cereal, peanut butter, banana and milk; pray for a poop and do it; get dressed; grab my gear and go.

Six Days!

2010-06-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

Yikes. It's almost here. Weeks in my life fly by like nobody's business...so this will be here before I know it. Crazy. I have kind of forgotten how hard I've worked to get here. I had to re-read some of my journal entries this morning to remind myself that I have worked my a$$ off...almost literally (I wish). So, six days from now I will be just starting. My nerves will be done, I will be in the water fighting for my space. I will be doing my best to keep my heart rate down, to realize I have 13 (I hope) or more hours to go. I will be celebrating the start of one of the biggest days of my life...wondering what the day has in store. Wondering how God will surprise me next. I will be keeping the voices in my head at bay, by reminding myself of God's Word and his goodness. I will be swimming the best I can with 2399 other people...celebrating the opportunity to even be in such a beautiful place, doing something I love. I will be thinking about the remarkable gift this is to my children, for them to see their mom set a goal and achieve it, while working very hard to keep their lives as normal as possible. I will be thinking about my wonderful husband and his generous heart and great love for me. I will be thinking about breathing, about swimming, about defending my territory...not about biking or running. I'll have plenty of time to think about those.

I am going to start packing my stuff today, particularly the things for Race Day. I want to rest my mind about needing to remember this or that. I am floored by how much stuff is required to do this sport (and how much money is invested). I will pack my kids tomorrow, get meds for the dog, arrange for feeding of the minor animals, return library books, cancel mail delivery, clean house (kind of), and the myriad of other things that will occur to me.

We fly out on Thursday. I cannot wait to see my family...to enjoy their company. We are staying away from the race venue, so hopefully I can rest and relax a bit beforehand. We will see!

Thank you to all of you for your support, encouragement, thoughts and prayers. I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Taper Week One: Down

2010-06-18T09:30:00.000-07:00

So, I have succumbed to the typical "Taper Week Drama". Fortunately I am getting great rest, if you count falling asleep at 9:30, rising at 5:00, with a little nap squeezed in somewhere. I'm still jumbly, dealing with equal parts fear, amazement, excitement, worry, anxiety, gratitude, hope. I am thankful, however, that I have been a decent human being to the people I love the most. It did help that a couple of them were at camp and another one is leaving tomorrow...but, what the hey.

My in-laws are here, with the 5th wheel to haul my eldest, my bike and other goods that I don't want to take up space in my suitcase. It is all becoming more and more real, that in a week from today I will be in CdA, probably have my packet and goodies, hopefully resting beside the lake with nothing better to do than take in Northern Idaho. Or not...who knows?

I am rather random...not much to report. Did a few workouts this week, two swims, a brick, two runs...will attempt another swim tomorrow and maybe another bike, but not sure. My body feels alright..not fantastic. Have some soreness when I swim in my shoulder and a little in my left quad. The niggles don't seem to be stopping me, so I guess I'm alright. My brick this morning (25 ride/3 run) was irritating. I got some stuff for my bike to carry all the goods and it didn't work out so well. Glad I know it now and not race morning. That would stink. I'm trying to think of everything and keep lists. I think I have a decent nutrition plan figured out, but you never know what race day will bring, so I will be flexible. The nice thing about these Ironman races is they have a plethora of choices at the multitude of aid stations, so if what I have isn't workin'? No biggie.

Other than that? Just cruisin'. I'm very curious to see how all this is going to turn out.

The verse I've been meditating on for the week is: "Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3

Jumbly

2010-06-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

It's my first taper day. I can now see why people might struggle through the taper. All of a sudden there's no focus on big workouts or fitting this or that in...it's done. A wonderful thing to celebrate, but now the focus is on the race...the day...the big deal. Here I am reading blogs of others' experiences, finding tips, re-reading the notes from my coach...trying to figure out how to make it a perfectly executed race. Well, the reality is...there is no such thing. I will do the best I can with my knowledge, with my training, but to assume the day is going to be perfect? Can't do that. I am oscillating back and forth between, "I don't care if it takes me all day...I just want to finish" and, "I wonder if I can get this or that time". Does it really matter? I'm not going to win. If I "race" I might feel awful, but if I don't I may wish I had. I think the best approach for me is to have everything in place, to the best of my knowledge, follow my nutrition plan, listen to my bod, keep a smile on my face and have fun. How many times will I ever get to do this again? Maybe never.

Everything in me feels jumbly. I remember this time before my Half Ironman last year. The couple weeks before were a bit of a disaster for the children in my life. I guess it goes to show that it all does matter to me. I do care about this race and its outcome. I can plan to the best of my ability, but the reality is, anything can and will happen. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I'll try not to. I trust in my training and the experiences of others. This is what risk is about...it's calculated, but at some point I have to let go.

Welcome to a well lived life!

Tapering

2010-06-12T15:08:00.001-07:00

I am finishing off this week nice and strong. It started out a bit on the rocky side, but now I feel like I have my feet, arms and pedals under me.

Yesterday, before our crazy weather, I was able to complete my final long workout - a 70 mile ride and 3 mile run. I managed a 17 mph average, which is huge for me. I really tried to stay solid in zone 2, as I have a tendency to ease up and ride in high zone 1. Why? I don't know. I just wanted to push it today while maintaining my nutrition plan. It paid off well and felt great for the run. The day was beautiful with clouds hovering over the mountains, filtering the sun. These are the days that make all of this worth it.

Today, I swallowed my common sense and went swimming at Union for about 4 laps. It rained all night, and this morning the water was very choppy. I knew that "The Day" could easily be these conditions, so I sucked it up and swam. I actually found it fun breaking the waves on the way out, rolling with them and being carried on the way back. I try to wonder what race day will be like and how I will manage, but I can't know until I get there. Thankfully I've had all kinds of weather to combat and enjoy, so I can't say I haven't experienced it all. I am grateful for all of those rough, windy, snowy, rainy days even though I detested them at the time.

I am really getting excited. Two weeks from tomorrow and I finish this journey of becoming an Ironman. So hard to believe. One year ago, I would have never imagined it!

Now officially begins Taper. So happy!

Power

2010-06-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of you who read and weighed in on my previous post. These are all things I must process to move on more fully in this journey. I appreciate your insight and encouragement.

Things are very good on the homefront and I am getting so excited about culminating this journey. My fear is starting to wane and the anticipation is taking it's place. I am so fortunate and blessed to have this opportunity and I am done minimizing it with fear, worry, doubt and trepidation. This Ironman is something to celebrate, to claim, to be humbled by, to rejoice in, to see prayers answered, to see God's work. I no longer want to cower or shy away from this incredible accomplishment.

I was reminded in my prayer time this morning that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in us...it lives in me (Ephesians somewhere). How can I go on being afraid? Of anything? God is enough...more than enough.

I am so very grateful this morning for God's clear direction, timing, and grace. What an amazing gift, to seek Him and know Him.

The Good Wife

2010-06-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

Alright. In typical "Jentrainingforanironman" fashion, I have something to process with all of you...once again. This is how it seems to be for me. When training gets difficult in my head, there's some Truth that needs to come out on the page in order for me to move forward. So, here it is...I will do my best to be coherent.

So, when IM training started I was really concerned about how my relationship with my kids would be affected. I know I was concerned on some level for my marriage, but not really as much. Now, the rubber meets the road...and I must say, most of this is in my head (I think), but I still need to utter it on paper (or screen). I seriously, only have one week left of "serious" training, then starts taper. I am at mile 23 of a marathon...so close yet, still, so far away. Yet, I am feeling guilty or concerned because I am not able to spend the QT with my husband that we have grown accustomed to. Yes, our marriage has been a series of peaks and valleys, like any relationship. It just feels when we're in a valley that it's gonna take a while to climb out. It never does, it just means we've allowed some patterns (namely busyness) to get in the way. Unfortunately, I have three weeks before an Ironman. I know it's not that long in the scheme of things, but it feels long, especially when Eric and I are "not quite right". Do you know what I mean? It's hard to live with the person you love the most in this world being "not quite right". There's just this looming, unnameable sense of something wrong. I hate that. Nothing I can do or say will really fix it, it's just this thing. I know it's Ironman training, it's fatigue, it's summer schedule and not sleeping well, it's "I need to train so you have to watch the kids and not do the things you want to do", it's "I'd love to spend time with you at 10:00 PM, because the kids are finally in bed, and....snore". I try and try and try, but nothing I can do will make it right until June 27th is over. We both know it and accept it, yet it doesn't make it easier. I still feel awful and he still feels a bit neglected (I assume).

So, how does a woman, a wife, a mother, a person who always is responsible for the feelings of others, move forward in light of this information? I know, at this point, that signing up for another Ironman would definitely be the wrong thing to do. I am grateful for this opportunity, I am grateful for my husband, kids, God, body, friends. But, I know that the grace given to me by these entities won't sustain another nine months at this rate. I am not the kind of person to say, "Screw it" and do it anyway. I am highly sensitive to what I perceive to be going on around me and I have a very hard time putting things upon my people. As women we have so many wonderful opportunities available to us, but again, I'm learning everything has a trade off...every decision one way or another affects something else. I have a goal, something else has got to give. It's figuring out how to weigh those trade offs and move forward the best we can, trusting in a God who knows far more than we do. If I didn't feel a sense of calling to this Ironman, or a sense of purpose, seeing God's faithful hand, I think I might have chucked it awhile ago. Well....maybe not, but... you know.

I think I'm developing a new sense of empathy for the women who work, care for kids, maintain their marriages and their notions of self. It is a seemingly unmanageable balance. I am so grateful that I only have three weeks...what about a lifetime of this? I am in the deepest of awe and admiration for these women. My hats are off to all of you.

I feel better now that this is all out in the open. I don't know what I'm going to do about it except move forward and finish this thing up as imperfectly as I can. I do know that I need the morning off and will get in a swim tonight.

A Little Funky

2010-06-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

I am in a mood of reflection today. Have been in a bit of a funk the last couple days, to the point where Eric asked if we could find a babysitter and go out to dinner. I don't know what the deal is, but I have a couple of ideas, maybe it's all or one...who knows...gotta love the mind of a woman.

1. PMS. I know Day 19 is the day where I should not call my kids on anything. It seems justified to me, but actually I'm entering "Crazy Land". Better to keep quiet and save it for tomorrow. I don't know why it's taken me to the age of nearly 38 to figure this out.

2. Ironman training...DUH. I'm tired. I'm ready for taper. I'm nervous about these last three weeks. I still have some big workouts, yet I feel like letting down. I am exhausted by 9:00 PM but up by 5:00 AM because of either a workout or the damn, chirping birds outside my window.

3. My birthday. Tomorrow, June 5. I'll be 38. Sometimes I get down on my birthday...don't really know why. Maybe because I've learned to not really care about it because of past high expectations (hate those).

Here are a few things I've realized today:

1. I can swim 4500 yards in 90 minutes...how awesome is that? I couldn't believe the workout I did today and felt great doing it. My body is so strong right now.

2. It occurred to me today in the pool (and actually brought tears to my eyes). I am doing an Ironman...actually, in my book I already am one...in my 39th year. I have made it to 38. My Mom died when she was 37, so maybe part of the significance of my birthday is making it. I suppose that every person who has lost a parent has a rough time when they reach and surpass the age of that parent. Another thing...Coeur d'Alene is significant. My last memories of my Mom were when we lived in Spokane, she died shortly after our move to Southern California. This will probably really hit me at mile 18 of the marathon.

3. My kids and I have made it through the first full week of summer vacation together. We are all alive, they are happy, I am too.

Tomorrow, on my birthday, I get to ride 45 miles and run 9. It's long enough that I'm kind of dreading it, but know it's a totally possible workout. Hopefully I can get out early enough to avoid some of the heat.

Sunday I am volunteering for the Longmont Triathlon. I love volunteering at races and NEVER feel like I'd rather be doing it. Isn't that weird? I love the excitement of the day without the nerves. Plus, it's super fun to help out.

Much much much love to my brother running his first marathon in San Diego on Sunday. Go get 'em Jeremy. It will be wonderful.

Light at the End of the Tunnel

2010-06-02T07:22:00.001-07:00

Getting excited to become an Ironman..I never thought this day would come. It always seemed so far away, now I'm only 3.5 weeks out. We leave three weeks from tomorrow.

Monday was a 14 mile run, which involved some z4 and z5 work. Once that was done, I had a trudgefest for about 9 miles. Really tired. I did it, but my pace kept growing slower and slower. I spent the rest of the day whining in my head, but doing my best not to utter it.

Tuesday involved riding about 20 miles with the group and a 2000 yard swim at Union Reservoir. I was very grateful for the swim because as I kept going the water got more and more choppy. I think it was great experience for the choppiness of Lake Coeur d'Alene. I know now that if I "have a moment" in the water I can draw from this particular workout.

Today was a 4.5 mile run with TC. So good to chat and pass the time thinking about things that matter. I was definitely tired and hungry today. In about an hour I'm heading to the rec center for a 3500 yard tempo swim. I really hope I feel OK.

I am definitely seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but my body is tired. The kids are home now, so there's just a lot more "hands on" stuff with them. Oh well. Just a week and a half left before the Taper!!

120 mile ride/5 mile run

2010-05-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

I.DID.IT...I.DID.IT...I.DID.IT!!!! I did the thing I have been fearing for 11 months when I signed up for this crazy journey of Ironman. I rode 120 miles yesterday. I cannot stinkin' believe it. Amazing!! The day could not have gone better. I was able to ride with a couple of friends at different points in the day...the first was for two hours first thing, then for 40 miles in the middle. At the end of the day all I had left was 2 hours by myself. The weather was fantastic...in fact, the minute I pulled into my house after running for 5.5 miles, the thunder started...could not have been more ideal.

I am so incredibly grateful to God this morning. I received texts through the day from two friends who said they were praying for me..which I seriously felt. I just believed I was being perfectly protected and guided along. Incredible! God has just been so remarkably faithful in this whole journey...every bit and piece. I am not perfect, but he has truly provided and directed my paths. What an amazing thing to experience.

So, I went 125 miles total yesterday and IM is 140.6...I definitely had 15 miles left in the tank (well, maybe not, but...). I was on the road for 9 hours total...including breaks...from 7 'til 4. Great practice for the Big Day! I checked my time at mile 112...and it was sub-7 hours at 16.2 mph! Wow, if I can do that on Race Day, that would be so awesome. I didn't think I had a shot to break 7 hours on the bike...we'll see.

We topped off the day with a very fun night which involved eating nearly an entire pizza at Rock Bottom, by myself. Then we went to see the new Shrek movie in 3D...highly recommended. Followed by sleeping in the car the whole way home and promptly getting myself into bed. I was exhausted!

I am floored, amazed, proud, tired, incredulous, grateful, humbled, honored and HUNGRY! Thank you to all of you for your support, encouragement, and votes of confidence. I hope I have the opportunity to do the same in return.

Tired!

2010-05-27T08:37:00.000-07:00

It's the first day of summer and I'm already beat. I'm supposed to do a tempo ride today and the kids are home, Eric's gone, babysitters are all sleeping in, so I'm declaring a day off. I will ride and swim tomorrow, do my long ride Saturday or Sunday. I want a shower and I don't want to sit around waiting to go...so I'm making my decision. Thought I'd let you all know.

Race Report and 20 mile Run

2010-05-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

I went into Sunday's race with a few nerves, but mostly I wanted to just test things out...see how my body felt, how the water was and how I was in the water. The first race of the season is always tricky because there's this unknown of how I will perform. I always err on the side of high expectations (which I've learned after 3 kids to start out low and build up gradually), just because I've been training so hard through the winter. I do want to say, before I start my report, that the best part of the triathlon world is the family it becomes. After 4-5 races every year, you start to get to know more and more people and every race is kinda like a party. It is really fun.

I got there just in time, set up my area, mingled with pals, looked around and wondered if I had everything. I tend to be a minimalist by nature, so my transition area always looks a little bare compared to those around me. And being the first of the season, my brain is not in transition mode. Anyways, I sauntered to the water...very slowly...think lots of rocks and no shoes. My wetsuit is always a wonder to me, how in the world to get it on and be comfortable. I got it on with the help of friends and did a "warm up" swim. The water was COLD...61 degrees apparently. My face was numb and it was very difficult to breathe in a controlled manner. Swam for about 7 minutes then popped out and chatted with more friends.

We were the last wave...all the ladies over 35...it's always nice to be last when it's chilly because the weather warms up and you don't get pummeled by a bunch of fast guys in the water. I did fine, controlled my breathing, then on the back stretch got a bit cocky and tried to draft. I wound up with a bunch of water in my mouth instead of air and mildly freaked out. Side note: last year I had a moment in a tri where I nearly quit because of not being able to catch my breath. It really took the wind out of my sails for the season. So, I talked myself down...I started swimming slowly and regained my breathing and confidence. Finished strong with a 13:48 for the 750 meters.

Ran to transition, somehow managed to get the wetsuit off and get all my gear on for the bike. Cruised the bike course, could have gone much faster but didn't. I think I need to start wearing my heart rate monitor for this portion because I just lolly gag. Oh well. 20.1 mph for 12.4 miles.

Run went great...I just stayed in zone 4 (I think)... averaged 7:45 minute miles and kept my head clear of the negativity by using the verse again, "I can do all things through him who gives me strength". Every breath, one word. It works wonders and keeps the icky talk from getting in there.

I placed 5th in my age out of 29ish. A good day. Goal met: practice swimming in freezing water and keep my wits about me. So all in all, success.

Today, I managed a 20 mile long run. I did 4x1 mile zone 3 repeats to start. My times are getting slower not faster on those, but I figure with racing yesterday...whatever. I felt good until about mile 17 then the wheels nearly fell off the bus. I slogged the last 3 miles through the wind and stolen Gatorade bottle (Grrrr...I planted it on the route so I could have something for the last bit). Times were much slower with the wind, but, again, whatever.

This week will be interesting with end-of-the-year festivities and Eric possibly traveling. I'll do my best. Just received news that my grandmother is in the hospital...doesn't look like she's got much longer. So, may be planning a last minute trip out to California soon. Coach didn't figure "grieving" into the training plan. Hmmm....it will be interesting to see what that looks like.

2010-05-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

I'm excited about the race tomorrow...wondering what I can do. Honestly, I've done hardly anything this week. I planted. Andrew and I got seeds into the ground and cleaned up the dead from last year. I have been trying to treasure these days as he's headed off to "real school" next year. My last little one. As excited as I am for him (and for me), it's a bit sad. So, we've spent our time enjoying the yard and each other, when he's not being annoying.

I have five weeks until Ironman. I know the next two weeks are gonna be HUGE, but that's it. Man, the time has really flown and I'm just thrilled and grateful to have this amazing opportunity.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Race Week Weirdness

2010-05-19T09:23:00.001-07:00

In my preparation for the Summer Open Triathlon this weekend, I basically get to do nothing all week...well, not really nothing but it kind of feels like it. I rode the trainer to Desperate Housewives yesterday...55 minutes, ran for 50 minutes this morning with a friend, and swam for 1000 yards just now. All workouts I have felt heavy, tired, and broken. I am constantly amazed (although I don't know why, because I seem to keep relearning the same truth) how one week I can feel so strong and unstoppable, and the next completely toast. I guess it's the way we maintain humility and balance.

So, I am hoping I don't look and feel like a manatee on Sunday. Hoping my body is healed by then, my training kicks in and my mind is kind. If not Sunday, then June 27th. I'm not gonna be greedy.

Week #32

2010-05-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

I am breathing a sigh of relief this early Monday morning. Usually I approach Mondays with a bit of trepidation as I see the week of training, life and family laid before me with uncertainty and a bit of anxiety as I wonder how in the world it's all going to fit in place. Well, today is a bit different. Next Sunday I am doing the "Summer Open Triathlon", a local sprint race. I just want to make sure my gear is in check and I remember how to swim in a wetsuit in some seriously COLD water. It will be a good tune up for Ironman. So, that means this training week is super easy. I'm actually giddy about it! It will be nice to have some of the aches and pains subside and just "be" a normal person. If that's possible.

Last week ended awesome! On Thursday I did an easy ride with a friend...I just didn't have it in me to do any zone 4. I needed conversation and external motivation. Thankfully MB could ride and we went later in the day with the rain. It was great. Friday was my 3850 yard swim. I rocked it. It was so awesome. I am feeling so strong in the water and I had a fantastic go of it.

Saturday....my monster brick...70/16...the biggest one I'll have to do...the thing I've been fearing since day 1 of training. Wow! The weather was perfect, looked like it was going to rain the whole day, but didn't. I started out at 8:00, decided not to do any major climbs, just wanted to maintain a solid pace. I went south into Boulder and north to Loveland, managed 16.8 mph for the ride...that's pretty fast for me. I wanted to see if my running legs would be okay after pedaling harder...it was a bit of a test. Once the ride was over, I was not excited to run for 2.5 hours, but knew I didn't have a choice. I lose feeling in my feet while riding, so I was curious how many miles it would take for the feeling to return. It takes about five. I did 6 miles of zone 3 work, took it one mile at a time. It's funny, after being out there that long, the miles just tick by, one...two...three...four...five. The last 2-3 always are a trudgefest for me. Finally, my 7 hour day was over.

Once I got home, stretched, drank chocolate milk, took a shower, packed...we piled in the car and headed to Salida where we spent Sunday rafting. It was a perfect end to a tough two weeks!

Peaceful Detachment

2010-05-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

This week is shaping up nicely. Here's what I've done so far:

Monday: easy 1700 swim
Tuesday: 2900 tempo swim (rocked it!!!), 5 mile run easy
Wednesday: 18.5 mile run (snowy, cold, muddy and cold..did I say cold?)

Here's what I get to do for the remainder:

Thursday: 30 mile tempo ride
Friday: 3850 endurance swim
Saturday: 70 mile ride/16 mile run brick
Sunday: easy 20 mile ride

I feel like I can let my breath out...that long run was hanging over my head like a lead balloon. I just have been constantly surprised at my body, what I'm asking it do and what it's doing. For instance, my swim yesterday. I did a bunch of zone 4 100 repeats in 3-5 seconds faster, than in the past...even after the strain and stress of training. It really is amazing me to no end. And then...to be able to run 18.5 miles today (although it wasn't my fastest, but who cares) after running 17 on Sunday. Again, amazing.

I almost feel like I'm going through a bit of detachment with this training. Like, I'm just not thinking about things so much. Don't get me wrong, I still get concerned and wonder if I can do it, but I'm just not as afraid. I think I just know it's a matter of putting in the time and getting it done and if I can't do a workout for whatever reason, is it really going to make that much of a difference at this point? There are some I really think are crucial, especially in confidence building, but I guess I am feeling peaceful. Nice. I like that place.

So, with all that said, and all that is done for the day (plus it's only 9:45 AM)...I am sipping warm coffee, in my sweats and slippers, gonna catch up on some shows. I'm calling it a "Mental Health Morning".

Check Mark

2010-05-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

I can finally put a gigantic check mark on the week and recycle the schedule. My goodness. With the drama of the car accident, I got to move my 17 mile long run to this morning...Sunday...Mother's Day. Today was the first time I've done a long run after a full training week...especially this training week. I could not have asked for a more beautiful morning, no wind, cool temperatures, balloons in the sky. I love running on Sunday mornings, because when I get to church I feel so good, clean, and accomplished. My heart and mind await in expectation for the message and worship. God is wonderful to me.

Yesterday I was supposed to do a 31 mile tempo ride. I did the 31 miles but not the tempo part. Fortunately, I made a new friend on the road and we did the majority of the ride together. He was truly a Godsend, because I was starting to go downhill fast in my head. I do love my thoughts and myself, but sometimes they turn on me...especially when I'm not feeling so good.

Today is a delightful celebration of all that I hold dear...my family. I am a fortunate soul with a loving, caring husband and kids that are healthy and full of life (sometimes too much). As I walked in the door after my run, they had already gone to Egg & I to fetch me a yogurt/fruit sundae and muffin. Yummity yum. What a treat after 3 hours on the road.

Looking forward to church, lunch and hopefully a good, solid nap.

Week #31 down...only 7 left. Amazing!

100 mile ride

2010-05-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have completed my first century bike ride...never done before. I was so nervous leading up to it, especially with the crazy start to the week. My Monday turned into a rest day and my Tuesday turned into Monday. I started the week off with a tempo swim just to be easy before jumping into the motherlode workout for Wednesday.

My approach for the day was to treat it like a job. I figured I would be out there for 7 hours, so might as well just settle in and take it easy. I wanted to get lots of hills in because the IM CdA course looks very hilly to me. I started at 9:00, just after dropping the kids off at school and took off for Boulder. I did the Old Stage climb and went on up to Jamestown. It is so nice to be able to accomplish both of those things. I know I didn't set any records, but I got them done. I headed up to Lyons after that and did the Fruit Loops, while taking a break to eat a PB&J, go potty, warm up my feet, and get some water. It was a nice reprieve and I love it when I can feel my feet. After that I rode up 75th to Carter Lake and went up and over that route, heading home the same way. I added a couple little loops, including circles in front of my house, just so that my odometer would say 100 even. It did. Went at a 15.3 mph pace...not my desired, but whatever, it's done.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but if I had to, I could have gone farther. Thankfully I didn't. My schedule recommended a 5mile run after, but I ran out of time. I had to take a power shower and boogie to get the kids from all the places I had farmed them to after school.

I was told afterwards by a couple of friends that they had prayed for me throughout the day. I am so grateful. I felt like the day was ideal...weather was perfect, my body and mind were solid, my plan was flawless. I just knew I was being lifted up and this was the experience I needed to give me the confidence I need to finish up this training. As I was climbing the switchbacks to Carter Lake at mile 65, I prayed, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength". Every pedal stroke was a word. It was a wonderful way to keep my mind off of the climb and just get up the hill. I will do my best to remember that one!

Today was an endurance swim, another "easyish" day before finishing up the week with all the other stuff, including my long run. I just have to say how nice it is to have that workout behind me...YES!

Thoughts on a Gloomy day

2010-05-03T20:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I was one-third of a mile into my 17 miler today and received another call from school. My poor little guy was in a car accident on his way to preschool with my friend and her daughter. Fortunately everyone's OK. A guy ran the red light at Airport Rd and Nelson and broadsided the car, just a couple feet from Andrew's door. He has a little bump on his forehead from hitting the window, but otherwise, seems fine.

Nothing like a close call to remind me of my priorities.

I shined my run for the day and called it...I don't need to be a super hero.

I am super grateful for God's Provision.

I love my life and the people in it.

Life can change in a split second...it's always good to be reminded.

Ironman is a great goal, but it is not defining me.

Tomorrow is a new day and I am praying for a better one.

Time to Face the Week

2010-05-02T17:13:00.001-07:00

I've put this off long enough...time to get down and dirty with the next week. Week #31 baby...wow.

Here's the rundown of what I hope to get done:

Monday - 17 mile run
Tuesday - 1900 tempo swim
Wednesday - 100 mile ride/5 mile run (yes, you did read that right)
Thursday - 2400 swim
Friday - 8.5 mile tempo run/25 mile ride
Saturday - 31 mile tempo ride

I am switching things around because Eric has to do some work entertainment at the end of the week, into the weekend. So, if I can take advantage of the time the kids are in school, I will. I am anxious about Wednesday's long ride. I have never ever ever done anything like that and am thinking I may head up to Ward and do that whole drama. Still not convinced that it's the wisest idea by myself, but we'll see. I will never say never.

I feel great. Today's restful day was exactly what I needed. I am ready for the next two weeks. I have reached "Peak Phase". I love it.

Say a prayer, send happy thoughts...whatever. I can use them all.

Another Week Down

2010-05-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

Here's to another one...down. It was a great stabilizer week. I really just tried to enjoy myself...did a couple workouts with friends...nothing like good conversation to help the time along faster. I just finished a 35 mile bike/8 mile run brick. It turned out to be a beautiful, calm morning. Again, I am so grateful I just went out, did it, and enjoyed myself and the beauty all round.

I am feeling good, ready to move forward and tackle another week. I won't write about it just yet...want to savor the rest of this day and tomorrow's rest. I will let you know what is on the docket later.

Enjoy the lovely weekend! Only 8 weeks left...deep breath.

Running to Stand Still...

2010-04-28T09:51:00.001-07:00

....is not just a U2 song...it was my experience today on my attempted 9.5 miler, which turned into a 5 miler. You know in Colorado you're in trouble when the thermometer reads 71 degrees at 9:00 in the morning, in April. That means WIND. So, I thought, it can't be that bad. I have to say, I probably could have done it had I the fight in me. But, the fight is gone...it's on the road somewhere blowing around from Saturday. Since it's stabilizer...I figured I don't need to fight this week...I will muster it up and save it for the next two.

So, that's all I have planned for today and I'm totally OK with it. I have been diligent about my swims this week and those I will fight for, but the cycling and running? Not so much.

Victorious

2010-04-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

I would jump up and sing a song right now, if I could get my rear off the couch. I did it! I mustered the gumption to get out in the uncertain weather (read: wind) and did my brick...all 60 miles of the ride and 13.5 of the run. I can't say I felt awesome, in fact, it was probably one of my most mentally challenging workouts to date. After the first 30 miles, I came home for a pitstop, to dump clothes and get more water. I was secretly hoping Eric would say, "You really should come inside, it is much too dangerous to be out there in these conditions." No, instead he said, "I know it's hard, but it will make you stronger." Of course he was right. I knew I needed to bust this out...outside. What if race day is windy? There's a good chance that it will be, for sure.

Now, I am pooped. I have no idea how I will get myself upstairs to bed...or my kids for that matter. I am soooo pleased it's over! Swim tomorrow? We'll see.

P.S. It was the most beautiful day EVER! I cannot believe the shades of green I saw today. God is so good and I am so glad to be a participant in it today.

Uncertainty

2010-04-24T06:09:00.001-07:00

The one huge thing about IM training that I didn't really think about was the uncertainty. I had to take yesterday off because of the uncertain schedule...one thing after another, plus a sick kid. Today, do I bag the brick because I need to get the swim in? Do I move everything back a day and do the brick tomorrow? Do the swim today? Do the brick tomorrow after church or skip church? Save the swim for the afternoon or do it first thing in the morning? But if I swim in the morning and the weather looks good in the afternoon, should I still do my brick?

This crap is running through my head and has been for the last 3 days. I check the weather report over and over again, seeing if in the last 3 minutes it has changed in my favor. What if I have to ride indoors again? Will I be preparing myself well enough for Ironman? Am I copping out by not embracing the elements? Am I being stupid, thinking I'm a good enough rider to sustain weather and wind? AHHHHHHHHHHH....ENOUGH ALREADY! Sheesh.

Well, now that I've spewed my internal brain dialogue all over you...I apologize. My mind and I seem to be at odds most of the time.

I love spring weather...I usually can't get enough of it. Colorado weather is one of the things that drew me here. But, the uncertainty of it now feels like a curse. And now I'm being one of those super annoying people that whines about it...too hot, too cold, too windy, too sunny, too rainy. I don't want to be that person. This is what I get for signing up for an early summer race. It's OK. I want to get it over with so I can enjoy the fun summer with my family...that was the point.

Anyways, at this point my hope is to swim later and brick tomorrow after church. I have a stabilizer week coming up, so it won't throw much of a wrench into the next week of training, thankfully.

Thoughts on Zone 4

2010-04-21T11:12:00.001-07:00

For those of you that are not triathletes, our coach trains with Heart Rate Zones. So, for a brief rundown, zone 1...super easy, could do it all day; zone 2...a little bit harder, most of training is here; zone 3...harder still, definitely doing work, but rewarding; zone 4...sucks, voices in the head, hurts; zone 5...saved for very short spurts, usually 100-200 meters (for running).

In the pool today as I had on the docket to do 20 x 75 yards in zone 4, which means that for three lengths I had to do back stroke, breast stroke and free all in zone 4 for each length. Twenty of them, divided with 30 seconds of rest. With this "almost mile" of zone 4 swimming before me, I was in a state of complete dread, as I am before most workouts that require me to be here. All of this leads me to sharing with you these thoughts.

Zone 4:

...is something I dread
...is very painful when running, particularly long distances of 1-2 miles in mid zone 4
...is required to become stronger and improve
...is very challenging for me mentally
...puts me in a bad mood, in fact, today, I was angry at it.
...is SUPER rewarding when finished...like pumpfistshighintheair rewarding
...hurts
...shows me what I'm made of
...tests me
...makes me wonder why the hell I am doing this to myself
...requires an iPod, preferably with Linkin Park, Black Eyed Peas, or anything that gets the mind off of the pain.

So, with these thoughts, I must expand my thinking for you. Without zone 4 pain in my training, I wouldn't see any growth, improvement or PRs set. I could coast along, happy, not worried, and just LOVE my workouts. However, would all the time spent in training be reflected come race day? I don't know, maybe, but not likely. Carry this over to life. How many times do I think that if I'm in a really hard phase, like kid problems, challenges in relationships, marital drama, times of personal discipline...do I think I must be doing something wrong if it's hard? Actually, moving through these sometimes, seemingly rocky or impossible times is what provides the spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical muscle needed to move onto to the rest of life, to more full life. It may seem wrong when I'm in it, but maybe that's exactly where I need to be...right smack dab in the middle.

Now the mid-week rundown:

Monday's long run...done, good, lots of painful zone 4...grrr. Tuesday brought an easy swim (done) and easy ride on the trainer (done). Today's swim is over...all complete. Tomorrow will be a full day with somehow fitting in a run and ride...probably will be an early morning.

I am very grateful for this week. I feel like I'm able to breathe a little better after last.

Moving Forward

2010-04-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

With all the drama in my head last week, I can successfully say "I did it". I made it through, muddling, crawling, whining, etc. and am now ready to tackle Week #29. My 80 something mile ride on Saturday turned into a 3.5 hour ride with Eric, for 50 miles, including a trip up to Jamestown. Then, we had some rain, so moved the next 2 hours indoors. That was a bit torturous...watched some documentary about the fashion industry (so not me), and pedaled my way to a 4 mile run. Brooks joined me on his bike. It was really fun to hear the rambling conversation of a 10 year old. It's amazing how much he thinks he knows but doesn't know. So, I spend a lot of time saying, "hmmmm" and interjecting my opinion quietly and graciously as needed (read: only when I'm stable or too tired to disagree, as in Saturday).

I am feeling stronger on my new bike, the aero position is coming more naturally. I am also learning that when I feel negative or angry, I need to eat...not sports drink, but real food. I found Mrs. May's Trio Bars at Costco. They are packed with yummy, nutritious things that provide sustenance. I also think I need a good ol' fashioned PB and J. For some reason I don't feel hunger on the bike like I do running...it's a whole different set of cues I need to start figuring out.

Onto this week:

Monday: 16 mile run
Tuesday: 22 mile ride, 1500 easy swim
Wednesday: 2650 tempo swim
Thursday: 7 mile run, 36 mile tempo ride
Friday: 3450 endurance swim
Saturday: 61 mile ride/13.5 mile run

Goals: 7600 yards swimming
119 miles cycling
36.5 miles running

So, here I am...on the cusp of my 16 mile run...tummy full...kids getting ready for school...wondering how I'm going to feel...and crazy enough to realize that 2.5 hours on the road is no big deal. Wow, what a difference a change in perspective makes.

Side note: Thank you to all of you who have provided encouragement, wisdom, insight and support into helping me figure out why the hell I am doing this. I know it will all be made clear come crossing that line. I am feeling much better about things! Thank you.

Deep Breathing

2010-04-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

It seems, in my Ironman training, that I go for a period of time coasting, but then I reach a place where I need to do some internal work. This has been that week. I have come the realization (or maybe I knew it all along and wouldn't admit to it) that I am just plain scared. I am scared of what the next 10 weeks are going to bring, I am scared of race day, I am scared of the things I am letting go and compromising on to fit everything in, I am scared of not being what I feel I "should" be to the people that are most important to me. And to top it all off, I'm beating myself up for being scared. So, now I'm owning up to the fear. It's out there, I've labeled it, it's time to move on.

I shared this with my coach today and he is always so good to provide reassurance and encouragement. He said moving through this stuff is what makes the accomplishment that much sweeter. I didn't understand this fully until now. Now I can see why people become full of emotion and resolve during the event. As I've discovered in my training, NOBODY has a stress free training period. It's hard for everyone...fitting it in, having the energy, dealing with the mental breakthroughs, etc. What I am experiencing is typical for many, if not all, on some level. We all have expectations (both of our own making and those placed on us by others), setbacks, life stress and drama, people who are relying on us, bodily injuries and pains, to name a few. I have no idea why I think I'm the only one who struggles with this stuff, why I'm the one inventing the wheel, but maybe I need to have actual experience with certain things before they actually stick. I know things in my head but until I walk a mile in someone else's shoes, do I truly understand.

So, as far as training goes. I have completed the week according to plan, aside from my references in the previous blog post and shortening my tempo ride from 40 to 32 miles. I have an 80 something mile bike ride/4 mile run tomorrow. The weather may be iffy, so I am a bit up in the air about the whole thing. I really want to get it done tomorrow so I can fully take Sunday off and jump into week #29. I think I may have some people join me...we'll see.

Adjustments

2010-04-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well, as smoothly as this week looked on paper, it hasn't turned out to be as such. Yesterday while all prepared for my long run, I got 5.5 under my belt at the local track with a friend, then my cell phone rang (normally don't carry one, but happened to throw it in the pack today). It was Andrew's preschool calling to say he was feeling sick, laying on the floor, crying. There was no way I could leave that poor child to suffer, so I busted it home, hopped in the car and picked him up.

So, the plan changed. Instead of my long run I amended it to my 11 mile tempo run, divided by 8 hours. I finished up with 5.5 in the evening with all the speedwork attached. I was happy to get that one done. Anything that requires zone 4 and zone 5 repeats I am relieved when it's over.

Today I got my tempo swim in, and was planning my easy ride outdoors tonight, but the wind is fiercely howling....so, another amendment to "The Plan". I will probably be indoors watching "The Biggest Loser", which is totally fine with me. Adjustments, flexibility, letting it roll...that is the name of the game this week.

I will keep you posted on how well I do with the rest of the week, while trying not to get blown away.

Yikes

2010-04-11T08:19:00.001-07:00

My week is done, body feels better, very thankful and anticipating next week's build week. Aye yi yi! Here's the basic rundown...hopefully it will happen..looks like a possibility:

Monday: 14.5 mile run
Tuesday: 2150 tempo swim, 32 mile ride
Wednesday: 11 mile tempo run
Thursday: 40 mile tempo ride
Friday: 2650 swim
Saturday: 87 mile ride/4 mile run

Take a deep breath...you can do this!

Week #27 thoughts

2010-04-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

This stabilizer week is passing by rather uneventfully. I have enjoyed two swims, two runs, a basement spin so far. Hopefully, if everything goes as planned I will head out on a 28 mile bike ride this evening. It is such a lovely day I hope to be able to ride in shorts and short sleeves..amazing.

I am so grateful my body is feeling well, things are chugging along. I have to confess, however, to some nervous anticipation of the final weeks of this training. Truly, I only have about 10 left, three or so of which are stabilizers, so that means 7 or so hard weeks. I know things are ratcheting up and I know that I will fit things in the best that they will. It is exciting. I am learning so much about myself in this process. How, I think it's human nature to want to anticipate everything before we take a step...but most everything worth anything is a journey of faith and trust. We can never figure out the whole picture before moving forward...we just have to know that it's in God's hands and he knows our hearts and desires. There are times, though, where he doesn't give me what I want. I start the process and it doesn't work out how I thought. Does that mean I've failed? Maybe, maybe not. But, have I learned something new in the process? Absolutely. Have I grown my faith? Yes. What if I don't become an Ironman? Well, I will certainly be disappointed, but it's unreal how much I have developed, changed, been challenged and trusted. I'm not saying that's the case...I have no idea, but I do know that I have a God I can trust in and he is faithful to make all things new.

Ha! Gotta love it. I love what is sitting at my fingertips needing to weasel it's way out.

Back to it

2010-04-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

After my drama with my back last week, I stepped back to it today. I took Wednesday through Sunday completely off, even off from mothering for two of those. Well, Sunday I did a short run/walk just to see. This morning I ran 8 miles. My back was telling me it was there, but nothing more. I kept checking in and felt fine, so I just kept on truckin'. Came home, put some frozen edamame on the problem spot and went on with my day. I got all the kids where they needed to be and went for a swim. I was tentative, especially with my left side, but it all worked. Again, it told me it was there, but nothing major. I am so pleased. I was afraid that I was getting used to the "laying around" bit, and I definitely was, but it's time to get cracking again.

Our Spring Break turned out wonderfully. I was grateful to be injured on this week of all weeks. I could really be present with the kids and Eric, and not have to ride/run in the crazy wind we've had. In fact, I layed on the couch with a book and listened to it blow, without any notion of needing to be outside. It was wonderful. I am glad for the rest and respite, now back to training.

This week is a stabilizer, so I will ease into training again. Hopefully I can complete the prescribed workout schedule, but if I need to take a break, I will. No worries.

Thank you to all of you for your concern and prayers. Hopefully it's back on track from here.

Bummed

2010-04-02T07:02:00.000-07:00

On Monday evening, while goofing around with the kids, I fell backwards and hit the edge of a flagstone bench with my back. I tried running and swimming this week, to no avail. I rode once and felt OK. Yesterday I took the day off thinking it would help alleviate some of the discomfort, but today I feel worse. I don't know what to do. I have a call in to a local physical therapist to see if maybe they can see me today.

I guess I'm just discouraged. I don't think I really mind the time off of training, but it scares me. I am trying to pray and know that God has this in his mind, too, but I can't help but be anxious. My coach said to just lay off, let it heal and I may even return stronger. I just know that my brain can go the wrong direction with this stuff.

Anyways, hopefully I can get some help.

On another note, it's Good Friday. Maybe in this time of rest it is a reminder of what Jesus did on the cross for all of us. In this time of discomfort and frustration, I can focus a bit more on the sacrifice made, rather than on myself for once. I know I will still think of "me" cuz that's what I do, but maybe I will be a bit more mindful today.

Quick Recap

2010-03-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. Time is flying lately. I will first recap how last week worked out. I took Thursday off after a 10.5 mile run on Wednesday night. Kids were home all day Wednesday because of a "snow day" which really should not have been. Friday brought me to my long ride of 75 miles and a 3.2 mile run. I was so nervous and scared, but once I got going it turned out alright. I wouldn't say I felt "awesome" or "fantastic" but I did it and got it over with. My first steps for the run were ruthless and unknown, but once I got my feet under me I managed a nice little clip and kept it going. After my workout, shower, quick sandwich, I bolted to get Andrew from a playdate and the other two from school, then we busted a move to Glenwood Springs for the weekend.

Glenwood was fabulous. I canned the swim workout I didn't get in and used Saturday and Sunday to hang in the Hot Springs, play at the park, eat and just be a family. Aside from the tricky stretch on I-70 over Vail Pass...all was wonderful. We spent the majority of the day at the Springs and hotel pool..kids couldn't get enough.

This morning I eeked out a 13.5 mile run. I'm so glad that I did the first 8 with a friend. I was not feeling in it. I just got my monthly visitor (after 33 days, mind you...normally I'm a 24-26 day girl), so I'm tuckered from that and not sleeping well last night. I kept dreaming my child was getting abducted, so that shot the night of sleep. Oh well...at least I woke up before my alarm.

Hopefully with a little rest and recovery today, I'll be ready to hit the pool and a bike ride tomorrow. We'll see! I am onto week #26 already..only 12 more to go before the big day (two of which are taper, so really only 10). I cannot believe I am this far along...truly it is a miracle.

The kids and I are doing spring cleaning today. I bribed them...if they willingly cleaned their rooms with little involvement from me, I'd buy them something. Man, it got them hopping...we've been recycling and donating all morning. It will feel wonderful when that little truck comes by and hauls it all away on Wednesday...love that feeling!!

New Favorite

2010-03-24T09:26:00.001-07:00

Here is a great interview of Ryan Hall

Enjoy!

The "Should Monster"

2010-03-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

So, stabilizer is over. I had a sick child for a chunk of the week, so workouts were fit in here and there. I was grateful for the physical and mental break. On Saturday, Eric was out of town, plus it was cold and snowy outside, I found myself battling the "Should Monster". I have labeled this little voice in my head, he seems to sit on my right shoulder whispering things I should do...over and over and over again. The day really did not lend itself to much, with tired kids and a tired mommy. It was a perfect day to do nothing. However, I spent the majority of the day thinking things like, "I should find something fun for us to do". Or "I should ride the trainer, anyway." Or "You really should do crafts, play games, read, etc. with the kids". Or (this is the best one), "Other moms are way more fun than you are". Needless to say, I didn't want to do any of those things, yet felt like a loser because of that damn monster. Finally, I learned to live with it, knowing it would eventually pass. Plus I knew that two weeks of build were coming up and the s**t was really gonna hit the fan come Monday.

Well, in hindsight, I am so glad I ignored the voice. Turns out I was able to start my workout week on Sunday (because of taking Saturday off). The weather was perfect for a ride, so I got my tempo ride out of the way. And it looks like Friday I can do my long ride. Everything is working itself out for all of us to get away this weekend. If I had worked out (or run around like a crazy lady) on Saturday, none of this would have been possible.

Here's what Week #25 looks like:

Sunday: 39 mile tempo ride (check)
Monday: 12.5 mile run (check)
Tuesday: 90 min spin (check), 1200 swim (supposed to be 1900, but ran out of time) (check)
Weds: 9.5 mi tempo run
Thursday: 2400 swim
Friday: 76 mile ride/3.5 mile run (ahhh...scary)

I am just amazed at how this week is falling into place..offers for playdates and carpooling have been just Providential! I'll let you know how it all shakes out.

Emerging

2010-03-18T05:43:00.001-07:00

I really like stabilizer weeks (now, not so much last time). It allows time and space for my body and mind to recover, refocus and reflect on where I've come and where I'm going. This week has been rather quiet. The workouts are mellow (or mellower), plus my daughter has been ill, so we've spent a lot of time at home. I have also experienced a very low grade stomach bug, so I am just resting and being present with her, as much as I can. Thankfully it is stabilizer, so I can do just that.

In my prayer time this morning I was reminded of my need for patience and perspective. It seems, in our culture, that these things get thrown by the wayside. However, I am finding in the Ironman journey that it's all about patience...it's going the long haul and seeing small, gradual improvements along the way. I am not talking totally about physical changes, although those are nice, but the mental and spiritual changes that will shape and move me for the rest of my life. The physical changes are evident, and I am grateful. The mental and spiritual pieces, though, are the foundation I need to live intentionally, meaningfully, purposefully, and lovingly. I used to think (until this morning, thank you God) that the Ironman was my ultimate goal, that it was what I was accomplishing. Now my belief is that it is the springboard for the rest of my life. I am changing so much as a person, a woman, a mother, wife and friend. My strengths, passions and desires are starting to emerge. I am seeing that I am more than what I do, but I am moved and shaped by God. His strength dwells in me and as long as I remain seeking, praying and growing in Him, He will do great things.

I have spent so much time trying to live the "Christian Way" (or what I've perceived it to be over the years). I am really done with it. I don't want to be demure, proper, or quiet. I want to speak my mind, to tackle goals, to live adventurously...taking risks and screwing up. I want to find what makes me alive. What is holding me down? What is keeping me from running the race that God has intended me to run? Where have I limited him, telling him he can't do that thing? Where have I put God in a box and labeled him?

I truly am amazed and impressed by how I am emerging. It is really nothing like I imagined...it is so much better. God is so good, he desires us to live fully and he wants to give us good things. I just have to remember that his ways are perfect and mine are definitely not!

Wrapping it up: Week #23

2010-03-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

I successfully accomplished my week #23. I was thinking, going into the week, that it was going to be tough to get it all done, mainly because of my cold, but my body rallied and I finished with flying colors. I am awed by what my mind and body are achieving right now. It is rather remarkable!

My brick went very well on Saturday. I didn't start until 1:45, which is very rare for me. Usually, on the weekends (or most days), I'm taking my nap at that time. I was sooo nervous, my stomach was churning. I just had no idea what to expect with the new bike, attempting a ride I've never done before, and by myself. I hopped on my new ride and took off. Getting into the aero position was new for me, but all in all it felt so good, effortless really. I did get sore in places that I haven't known and new muscles were being taxed, due to the position change, but I was pleasantly surprised. I rode the Carter Lake Loop, for 46 miles, all by myself...amazing. Once I got to the lake, I had a moment and realized that I am the person, doing the things I always wanted to do. Wow. I cannot believe this is me. Just incredible!

When I started the run, I was a bit skeptical if I could do it all (10 miles), but I started in a nice zone 2 clip. After the warm up, I managed 3 zone 3 repeats, with a 2 minute walking break after each. It felt actually really good and did it in an overall pace of 9:20...good for me, especially after all I did before that. So, again, surprising myself seems to be the order of the day. I'll take it!

Stabilizer week coming up!

Eating Crow

2010-03-13T08:23:00.000-08:00

I am working through something in my head this morning. I am not sure how to tactfully say it, so I will just say what's on my mind. I have a confession to make. Before training for this Ironman and realizing the commitment to get in workouts, make sacrifices, and push myself farther physically than I ever have, I was very judgmental. I used to hear about what people did in their workouts and be kind of snotty about it. I'm not sure where the reaction came from, if it was envy, or admiration, or just not understanding. Isn't that where our judgment lies? Not understanding? So, I apologize to all of you out there who have been on the passive receiving end of my judgment. Please forgive me.

It is rather interesting, now that I'm on this side of things. I understand the perceptions of others, since I've been there, certainly. But, it doesn't feel very good. It's not the random comment that bothers me, like, "You're crazy", but the quiet questioning. I may be reading into things more than I should, that's my way, so I am extending the benefit of the doubt. I am just glad that I have become aware, so I can check myself, when that little monster rears it's ugly head again, because it always does. I'm at the point now where I want to be proud and act like it, rather than sheepish and apologetic regarding my Ironman goal. I have no idea where I get this, but I am tired of it.

On another note, I received my bike this week and haven't had a chance to ride it. I must admit that I'm nervous thinking about it. What if it doesn't like me? I will get the chance this afternoon. I am putting off my brick (47 mi bike/10 mi run) until after my oldest's basketball game today. I wanted to see him play and more importantly wanted the insurance of support if something bad happens. Now I know Eric will be close by if there's a technical difficulty (not that I can't change my own tire or anything). So, my afternoon and evening will be spent outside on this beautiful, gorgeous, Colorado day...guess I can't ask for a better time. Well, maybe the beach in Hawaii...but that's not happening.

Thank you all for reading and accepting my apology. This training thing is really opening my eyes to a lot! And it's not always a pretty sight.

Rambling

2010-03-09T11:50:00.001-08:00

Back to work this week. We had a great time in New Mexico. I managed to contract my child's cold, so it worked out perfectly to be sick at Grandma and Grandpa's. I wasn't really required to do anything other than lay on the couch and read. I did get in an 8.5 miler and a 5.5 miler while there, sandwiched around the nasty cold day.

My week so far is pretty easy. I've frontloaded my easy workouts just to let my body heal. This morning I did a 70 minute ride to Grey's Anatomy and swam easy while Andrew had his swim lesson...worked out to 1000 yards straight through. Sometimes those swims are nice, just to let me feel the water and relax.

The next two days won't be such a cakewalk, though. An 11.5 mile run (with 2 zone 4 repeats...ahhh) for tomorrow with a tempo swim, followed by a 36 mile tempo ride Thursday are on the docket. I'll get through them and be so happy. I get my bike tomorrow. Hopefully I can get on it sometime this week, the weather isn't supposed to be the greatest, though.

So, a bit of mindless rambling for this Tuesday. It's all good!

So Happy

2010-03-05T11:01:00.000-08:00

So....I deserve a big, monstrous, round of applause...I changed my own tire on the road!! Yes, me! And, I didn't get mad or throw things or even cry. I very matter of factly took my tire off (rear tire, too. I know, wow!) pulled out the supplies and got to work. I am so incredibly proud of myself. And, to congratulate, I cut my ride short by 7 miles. I know I deserve more..I'll crack out the coffee here in a minute. I am so satisfied.

The day didn't start out this great though. We are heading out of town, to Angel Fire, to ski and see family. Mornings for this "non-packing mom" really suck for my kids. I called them pigs (because they leave their stuff everywhere) and wasn't very nice. Guess I have some making up to do.

On another note, my Week #22 is wrapping up very well. I just love my new mind set and it has really played out in my workouts this week. Today was supposed to be a 35 mile tempo ride, but cut it to 28 miles. I was not just proud of myself for the tire change but for even going outside. Even now, it's only 40 degrees, and the wind picked up nicely as I was headed east...brrrr. I decided a nice warm shower, blog and lunch was deserved by me. My final workout will be tomorrow in the mountains..an 8.5 tempo run. I do love to run there and I work really hard since we're at a higher altitude. I should have no problem achieving my 2 x 1.5 mile zone 4 repeats, but I probably won't feel too great about them. Oh well.

So, the run down for the week was:

1000 tempo swim (supposed to 1750, but child was in other pool for swim lessons and I couldn't finish)
28 mile ride (in basement)
11 mile run
65 mile long ride (supposed to have a 3 mile run after, but didn't)
2150 swim (completed creatively)
28 mile tempo ride (supposed to be 35)
8.5 mile tempo run

As you can see...a very full week, but a good week. I gave it my best effort and am looking forward to a little time on the slopes, very patiently helping my children ski (not gonna happen), or maybe I'll just stay home and read. Whatever happens, I am ready for week #23.

65 mile ride/3 mile run (NOT!)

2010-03-03T14:07:00.001-08:00

Today was a momentous occasion for me..it marked the first real ride of the season outside, and it was 65 miles. Man, I'm tired. I was supposed to run afterwards and just didn't have it..I started to run and managed 1/2 mile, then turned around and went home. I feel super slow right now, and sore. You just don't use the same muscles in the basement as you do on the road. The day was lovely and I am soooo ready for a nap, but, alas..time to get the kids from school and start the second half of the day. I guess this stuff is what makes me an Ironman. Not the workouts as much as it is fitting them in, doing them, then realizing the world doesn't revolve around me and laundry/dinner/basketball practice/school pickup all still happens. It's all good. One thing we can all count on is that I will sleep AWESOME tonight!

Blah blah blahty blah

2010-03-02T07:24:00.001-08:00

Training is progressing nicely this week, although it's only Tuesday morning. I had an 11 mile run yesterday with 4 x 1 mile zone 3 repeats. My times didn't really come down from three weeks ago, but I can certainly say I held steady. The rest of the run went well aside from lots and lots of mud and a malfunctioning ipod. Oh well. I figure any adversity is good, knowing that I will face lots during the Ironman.

This morning I watched the final Bachelor episode while riding on the trainer for 98 minutes. It was fine..neither was very exciting. Later today I will do a 1750 swim (hopefully) while Andrew has his swim lesson.

Tomorrow is my long ride..66 miles plus a 3 mile run. The weather really seems to be cooperating...should hit the 60s by tomorrow, which means I may be able to do much of the ride outdoors. I have to admit it scares me a little to ride outside, but once I get going it will be great.

So, all in all, I've embraced the week...getting things done. We are heading down to Angel Fire on Friday afternoon so I'm packing everything I can before we leave. Not much to report. Grateful for my new mindset and focus.

Redefining

2010-02-27T17:19:00.000-08:00

With some space in my life the past few days I feel like I have been able to reach a conclusion regarding what has been bothering me. It is an age old issue for me and for many people, I suspect. I visited a counselor last spring and this is the main issue that surfaced, interesting how things have a way of coming back around. My struggle seems to boil down to worth. I am constantly feeling unworthy of the Ironman goal for a couple of reasons, the main being weight. Yes, I can tell myself all the great things in the world...I'm getting stronger, faster, fitter...but if my clothes don't fit like they should (or like I want them to), my worth as a person and as a triathlete is questioned. Thankfully I can recognize it now. I had a moment on my trainer yesterday when I was in the middle of a two hour ride. I was watching "The Biggest Loser" when they all went to the Olympic Training Center. It was powerful stuff, considering The Olympics are on right now. Koli was really bummed because another dude (James or John) went home the week before. Koli was struggling with his worth, feeling like he should have gone home because he doesn't have a wife and/or children like James/John did. Of course, I can sit there and see that he certainly should be there and desperately needs to be there, but he couldn't believe it for himself. I put myself in the exact same position. I have been feeling so unworthy of the goal and completion of an Ironman. I even told my coach the other day that I didn't think I was worthy of a new tri bike. What could make me more deserving than training for a *#@?#*en Ironman? Needless to say, I felt like yesterday really defined the struggle and has allowed me to pray more clearly about why I am sensing resistance. Just as I have learned that God needs to "make my paths straight" where training/planning/family is concerned, I need to trust that this Ironman goal is his and he is shaping it and making it useful for his purposes.

I have been very focused on Romans 12:1 this week. It reads, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship." I think of what it means to be a living sacrifice...that's not an easy thing, to be a sacrifice...much less a living one. I am not a scholar but to me it means that my life, my physical, spiritual, mental, emotional self is to be an offering and given to God for his purposes. And in doing that I trust him completely to shape and mold me. Is this easy? Absolutely not! Do I need to be perfect? No. Do I need to be seeking him daily? Totally, humbly and honestly.

I am so humbled and grateful that I can move forward fully trusting and honoring this calling I've been given, because I truly believe that is what it is...a calling. There's no way I could do it for any other reason. I am looking forward to the next two weeks of building, challenging and growing. I hope I will know new strength, resolve, confidence and worthiness.

Stabilizer blues

2010-02-25T13:50:00.001-08:00

It has really been nice this week to mentally and physically take a break from training. I just needed some time off so I could process everything and be present with my family. Unfortunately, I tend to come unglued during stabilizer week. I have a little bit of space in my life to feel and see, and I tend to overthink things. Anyways, it's not been the easiest week mood-wise. Oh well, I guess it's my way of keeping everyone on their toes.

I do have good news...I'm splurging on a new Triathlon Bike...I am so excited. Here's the link if you're interested.

I am hoping to have it as soon as next week. I went to Colorado Multisport and got fitted Monday; they were very thorough and came back with a few recommendations. This one fits straight out of the box, so with a new saddle (I'm sure I'll need that), hydration system, and computer, I should be able to ride it very soon.

The kids are home from school tomorrow, so it's a three day weekend for us. It should be a fun time of friends, basketball game, catching up on Olympics and American Idol, lounging in the hot tub, and hanging out without much to do.

Can you believe that I'm nearly done with Week #21?

Cooked

2010-02-19T15:31:00.000-08:00

I am cooked. Stick a fork in me...shred me up, serve me for dinner. I am toast. This is the first week where I've really questioned not so much fitting in the workouts, but will my body be able to handle this? It is the end of two weeks of build, one more workout tomorrow, a nice brick (41 mile ride/8.5 mile run), then onto my rest day Sunday. Next week is Stabilizer..couldn't come too soon!

Thankfully, once I commenced my workouts this week, they flowed nicely and I had the energy to complete everything in the plan, give or take a few minutes. My swim today was wonderful...it felt so good to stretch out in the water and just move..watching the black line. It was actually very therapeutic.

I am back to wanting to approach all of this with gratitude. I want to use each workout as a prayer...an opportunity to say "Thanks" to God, worship him, and bring people and circumstances to him as they come to mind. I hope to move some of the focus from myself and my pain/planning/fatigue to the hopes and needs of others. We'll see how it goes...I'll let you know. It has been hard the past couple days as I've been so tired and the kids have suffered my wrath, shall I say. They seem to be the recipients of my frustration. I have once again been humbled and will seek to try different methods.

Tonight a few of us are getting together to celebrate Eric's Birthday. Happy 38 years! It should be fun to gather and reconnect. Week #20 almost over...yay. I am halfway through..so hard to believe.

10 mile run

2010-02-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

This morning, on account of not being able to get off the couch yesterday (oh, okay I did ride my trainer in the basement), I got to run my 10 miler this morning. It was COLD! One website said 18, the other 10. I will assume it was 10. I ran over to the track at the local high school as my warm up and did 4x100m in Zone 5, then 2x1 mile repeats in zone 4. It wasn't very fun, but I did it. Afterwards, I finished up the last few miles in zone 2. It was a lovely morning and the tunes were good, so yay...it's over.

Andrew and I will be leaving for the rec center here in a bit. I'll do a really easy 1000 yard swim while he has his lesson. So far the week is looking good. Eric is heading out of town again for a day, but it's manageable.

Being a Mom and Training for an Ironman

2010-02-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

I am doing some processing today, which won't come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. Today I had to make a choice regarding running and attending my daughter's Valentine's Day Party. Before I go into the ramblings, I want to set the backdrop. So, Eric's still out of town and I've managed to get all but the run and long bike ride in for the week...a true miracle..thank you God. My youngest is in preschool only 3 mornings a week, so this is solid time to train for me. Today, though, being the Friday before the "holiday", Claire's class had their party scheduled for 11:00. In addition, I had to help in Brooks's class from 9:15 to 10:05. Ordinarily, I would have busted the run out in the morning, but with Eric gone...not possible (although tempting).

So, this left me in a bit of a quandary. Claire was fine with my decision to run, and I dislike class parties, but I still felt that nagging sense of guilt (hate that word). I did do my 7.5 mile run and it was fabulous, by the way. One of those runs that reminds me of why I run.

I guess my processing involves a few questions that I have: How much time do our kids need from us? I am with them all the time when they're not in school, aside from occasional events. (Side note: I am very grateful for this!) Also, at what point should a Mom feel "guilty" for being away? What if I was getting paid to work for the same amount of time it takes me to train? Why is it OK for Dads to work full time, then have their activities, while as Moms we feel bad for doing something for us...even if that thing we do for us means we can be better for our families?

I understand the importance of being the "go-to" person...I get that and I have no problem with that. I understand the need for balance...but the scales often seem tipped in the direction of the kids. Also, this IM that I'm training for, it's just 4.5 more months. Will I do that much damage in 4.5 months?

I hope I don't seem like I'm whining at you. It is certainly not my intention. This is what perpetually goes through my head as a mother. If it wasn't IM training, it would be something else. I love my kids...I really do, but I certainly need time and goals aside from them. And I don't think kids should be put on such a pedestal. I think they need to understand that they are loved and cherished, but do they come first? Is that healthy? Can they understand the magnitude of that?

Heavy stuff for a Friday. On to get the little man from school and his buddy. Should be a fun afternoon...now that my run is over.

Mid week update

2010-02-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

I want to write a little more frequently to chronicle the middle of the week feeling I often have, instead of the weekend euphoria of getting through the week. Some of the lesser sensations get lost in that approach. So, since it's Thursday, I thought I would give a bit of an update on how the training, parenting, surviving as a single mom, etc. is going.

On Monday I did my long ride indoors, in lieu of my long run, because of snow. Tuesday was a super fast swim because of Andrew's swim lesson. Got a bit of a later start because he was putting up a fight going to his class. I figured the best way to handle it was to tell his teacher what was going on and leave for the underwater of my workout. It seemed to work and I motored through it. Tuesday also brought a bike ride (basement) for 90 minutes early in the morning. I have found a new show on Hulu called "30 Days" with Morgan Spurlock ("Supersize Me"). It provides some interesting information and situations for me to think about during these workouts. Wednesday brought me to my long run, 9.5 miles. I managed to do 4 x 1 mile repeats in zone 3. To my happy surprise I've shaved about 20 seconds off since I started this IM thing. They averaged around 7:45 - 8:00/mile. Yay for me...improvement is the best medicine.

So, all of this brings me to Thursday. Eric is still gone, but we are doing well. I've not "lost" it on the kids...yet. I will make no promises, but I am doing my best to hold it together. They have been wonderful, aside from a difficult Tuesday night piano lesson from my "Lier Gril". I caught my daughter in a lie. At her piano lesson, after having two weeks of having these songs, she knew NOTHING! Of course, I had asked her all along if she was getting it, and she said yes. It was a learning experience for her and she has seemed to respond to the consequences, which included no American Idol for the night, and forgoing the computer for two weeks (her choice). She proceeded to write me a letter telling me of her feelings and signed it, "Love, Lier Gril". Gotta love it.

Today is just a short swim, again during swim lessons, and the rest of the day off. Whew. Tomorrow is a tempo run and Saturday brings a long ride...hopefully I'll have it in me!

The week ahead

2010-02-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here at the kitchen counter, procrastinating on dinner (which is no biggie since it's pizza, burritos or tuna casserole leftovers). Eric's out of town, heading to Brazil for the week as I write, so it means I put very little effort into feeding my family. Why? I don't know. I miss him when he's gone, the company, the fun, and the break I get from the kiddos.

My week #18 (stabilizer week) went very well. I enjoyed feeling stronger last week, more solid, particularly in the pool and on my runs. It's a nice feeling because I wasn't sure if it would happen. I just thought I would be floppy for a long time. It is wonderful to see the changes in my body and feel more secure in what I am doing.

Today, the one inch of snow we were supposed to get in the morning before 8:00, turned into about 4 inches while snowing the entire day. I love the snow, but when I want to run in it and do mile repeats...it's not so fun. I was planning to do my 9.5 mile run, but quickly changed the plan to a bike ride in the basement. Two hours on the trainer...watched a movie and the beginning of SNL. Hopefully the week's plan will work out OK, there's no room to fudge...each day is planned out and with Eric gone, I cannot put any workouts off. Some weeks I have the luxury of doing that, but not this one.

So, here's the plan for the week #19 ahead. Hopefully it will happen. I will do my best.

Monday: Tempo ride, 32 miles
Tuesday: 28 mile easy ride/1550 yard swim
Wednesday: 9.5 mile run with 4-1 mile repeats in zone 3
Thursday: 1950 yard swim
Friday: 7.5 mile tempo run
Saturday: 58 mile ride (hopefully outside)/2.5 mile run

San Diego

2010-02-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Eric and I have just returned home from a weekend away in San Diego. Our main purpose was to see and encourage our friend, Dan, who is incarcerated there. He is a dear friend from college that we both respect and treasure, unfortunately he made some very poor choices a few years back. Eric started writing to him after we heard about his situation (once he tracked him down), about 2 years ago. Eric has been to seen him three times now and I have been twice.

Visiting a prison is very humbling and leveling. When we left, after a wonderful time with him and his mom, I felt like my brain was too big for my head. I feel like there are all these presuppositions and assumptions that are constantly being challenged and redirected. We are in a constant state of prayer for him and hopeful that he was encouraged by our visit. I challenge anyone who has a friend or family member that is in prison, to highly consider paying them a visit. It will change your life, not to mention give them the hope they may need to get through. If a visit is not possible...write.

San Diego holds a very special place in our hearts. It's where I went to college, on Point Loma, and Eric did for three years at UCSD. We were married after our third year (out of 5) in school, so we spent a lot of time dreaming and fantasizing about our future life together while taking endless walks and drives. It is a magical city with places to go if you want lots of energy or none at all. We stayed on Harbor Island. Early in the morning our window opened up to the Harbor and awakening skyline. It is a beautiful city. I did manage to look up some housing prices, just to see. Basically, for where we want to live, we could get half the house for double the price...doesn't take a rocket scientist to know crummy economics.

Anyways, we were able to visit with my brother, his wife and little guy. Plus my sister, brother in law, their kids and my parents came down for Saturday afternoon. It was wonderful to see everyone and experience my niece and nephews. My littlest one was a dream and filled my heart with everything it needed that day...what a sweetie. I now have a small understanding of what grandparents feel like. They can give the love, the time, then give the child(ren) back to the parents for the hard stuff. It really is a wonderful thing.

Our return home was great...so good to see the kids again and be mom (although breaks are always welcome). I love my life, I love Colorado, I love my husband, I love my kids, I love my family. My life is so abundantly full and rich, that I can't help but write about it.

On a training note: one word...STABILIZER. I've taken the last two days off, so ready to hit it tomorrow....starting at the pool. Swimming is the sport of the week, so that's where I will be.

Shifting

2010-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

My week #17 (out of 39ish) has wrapped up nicely. My body, though, is calling loudly for a stabilizer week. Thankfully that's what is in store. All I have left is a short run and swim, that will hopefully get done in San Diego. Eric and I are flying there tonight, and it looks like I will get to run with my brother in the morning. Nothing like running with one of my favorite people near the ocean.

This week has been interesting, but in challenging myself to allow God "to make my paths straight", it has worked out far better than it would have had I tried to control everything. Eric told me on Monday that he was going to Brazil on Tuesday until Friday (today). His parents planned to come up to watch the kids and they wound up coming a day early because of the weather. So, I had plenty of help with the kids and managed to get all of the workouts in that I would have done with Eric home.

I had some moments this week where I had to really work hard to get out the door (or into the basement). I am noticing that the choices are not coming as easy as they did before. I make myself go and I feel fine, but it's a struggle quieting the voices that tell me to "forgetaboutit". Again, thankfully a stabilizer is on the menu for week #18.

I am sensing a shift in my training and focus. I remember this time last year in training for the half ironman. There comes a moment (or moments) where I discover that the workouts are really requiring intentionality, discipline and focus. Not that I didn't have this focus before, it just seems now that the stakes are getting higher. I am appreciating this shift, because my life has become simpler in a sense. Yes, there's a lot more planning with workouts and such, but I'm finding that I say "no". I still feel kind of bad, like I should do more, but I can't right now...it's only 5 months. It's like when your blood goes to the core, because of injury, shock, whatever. I feel that's what I'm doing...going internal...focusing on the things of greatest import...my family, my faith, my marriage, my relationships, my workouts.

I continue to feel blessed and grateful. I am staying focused and keeping my head down...getting 'er done.

Week #16 thoughts

2010-01-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

I am experiencing much gratitude over a great week of training. The schedule, my body, the kids, everything worked out very well and I am learning that my response needs to be one of pure gratitude, so as not to feel entitled going into the week ahead. Cross off week #16. I managed a 50 mile bike ride yesterday...thought the weather was good enough to at least start outside, just to say I did. Well, I did get through half before coming home and finishing the rest on my trainer to Grey's Anatomy. I am so glad I have this option. The outside temperature was manageable, but the wind kind of freaked me out. I kept having to turn around and change direction because the wind kept shifting. Oh well. I am happy I did what I did.

Here's the rundown of my week #16:

Monday: 6.5 mile run in Grand Lake
Tuesday: 80 minute ride (basement)/1800 yard tempo swim
Wednesday: 8 mile run with great conversation
Thursday: 100 minute tempo ride (basement)
Friday: 2200 swim
Saturday: 50 mile ride (half in half out)

For some reason this week I've become more attuned to the things that run through my brain, the conversation I have with myself. I am taking stock and I must say a solid majority of it is negative. What's up with that? Don't I deserve to give myself some credit? Much of it is regarding comparing myself with others, things I'm thinking Eric's thinking (which he's not by the way), things I "should" do (versus want to do), ways in which this IM thing is really selfish, etc. You get the picture. I finally had to stop myself and remember the verse that Paul wrote somewhere in the New Testament, "Finally brothers, whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy, think about such things". That pretty much nails it for me. I need to extend myself some grace and remember how I am loved and how much God wants to give me good things. It's hard to accept, especially in light of the devastation in Haiti. I am not sure yet how to reconcile all of that yet, but I do know that God is providing and is good always.

Week #17 is my run heavy week. So far it's looking good. Eric and I are headed to San Diego for the weekend to see family and our friend in prison. That's always an eye opening and humbling experience. Man! I will try to get the bulk of everything done before we leave.

Moving On

2010-01-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

What week am I on? Week 16 already? I made it through Week 15, definitely not on my own strength. I got it all in...even with the bumpy start. It is so good to be moving on.

We had a wonderful weekend...went to Grand Lake with friends and skiied on Saturday. Skiing is a struggle for me. We're not quite there as a family. Andrew was done with ski school an hour and a half in. Nothing like forking out $100 for misery. Anyways, my ski game is a struggle because I'm so fearful it will affect or hurt my training (think injury). I hope it's something we can do as altogether someday, but it's tough right now. I just have to keep in mind that my goal and priority in my exercise realm is Ironman.

I ran 6 miles while in Grand Lake. I love running because of where it takes me physically and mentally. It is so refreshing to be out there just enjoying the beauty, alone with my thoughts (or lack thereof). It is a great break for me.

I had a nice conversation with my coach regarding my feelings last week. He said many experience difficulty during stabilizer weeks...maybe it is that break our bodies need, so it manifests in emotional ways also. Who knows. It's just good to know I'm not alone. I am still not sure if I'm embracing this IM...the only thing I need to think about is today. I rode on my trainer this morning while cringing at The Bachelor and hopefully will convince Andrew of the joys of going to childcare, so I can swim at the Rec. Center. We'll see.

Pendulum swings

2010-01-13T13:21:00.000-08:00

I am doing much better today. I really shouldn't be surprised by how the pendulum swings...some days I feel unstoppable, on top of the world, and the next low, unworthy, down in the dumps. I had a wonderful run this morning after my prayer time. The shuffled ipod picked up the songs I needed to hear, to remind of God's goodness and faithfulness.

My poor dog has had a number of lumps and one is malignant. Thankfully we just found out that it has not spread to her lungs and she has surgery scheduled for Tuesday of next week. It's funny how these things we don't think bother us really do.

I am prayerful for the Haitian people and hopeful that they will find relief in the midst of this suffering. I am reminded of my need to be very grateful for all I have.

We have finalized plans for Coeur d Alene..a house on a lake, with a dock! Wow...lucky me. It looks like we should have a houseful of wonderful family and friends.

I am back on the path of entrusting each and every day and workout to God...I have no idea how I'm going to do this, but I need not fear. I was clawing for control and that never gets me anywhere good...for sure!!

Up a creek

2010-01-12T17:06:00.000-08:00

It is just amazing to me how I can be so on top of the world...so excited for this and feel great about my accomplishments, then Monday comes around and I feel like I've taken a nosedive. Thankfully I am in a stabilizer week, but man, I cannot rally. Every workout is a huge effort and I don't know what to do about it. I suppose my mind and body need a break. I suppose they are trying to tell me something. It's tricky since I've never done this before. I want to listen to my body and give it the rest it needs, but I also want to persist.

I am hoping that a good solid night of rest will be the solution for what ails me. Otherwise I'm up a creek.

Full of Gratitude

2010-01-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

This weekend I am filled with gratitude. Our pastor, a couple weeks ago, shared about how we receive tiny glimpses in our lives of what eternity with Christ will be. I feel like this is one of those times. Everyone's happy, everyone's healthy, we are being kind and gracious to one another. Usually my weekends are pretty tough, for this or that reason...but this one is good.

I am so grateful for how wonderfully this week of training has gone. I was anxious when Winter Break began because the kids were home. I had no idea how I would fit in workouts. It has been amazing. This week I completed everything with time to spare. Today I am taking completely off, preparing for stabilizer next week. I guess I am once again humbled. How incredibly that God provides for me, cares for me, knows me, and desires to give me good things. I am one of those people who can really downplay my blessings. I can often justify why I don't deserve whatever I've been given. I have been really working on keeping my eyes open..not just to the needs around me but also to the reasons why I am thankful.

We are in the process of finding lodging for the Ironman. Wow! Only 5 months to go...it's becoming more real. I still have to be careful how far down the road I look...I get frightened. However, I am beginning to look forward to it and am beginning to envision myself on that day. It will be just remarkable.

So, cross off another week. Onto week #15. I can do this week, I will do this week, and I will be happy about it :) Haha....we'll see. I can never predict my silly moods.

Whatever

2010-01-06T07:27:00.001-08:00

This week is going well so far. It's nice to have it be somewhat normal...meaning, not having to pile workouts in because of travel or Holidays. The kids are still home, but that's worked out just fine. I went for a 7.5 mile run this morning. Started out toasty warm (32 degrees), then dropped by 10 degrees during. The freezing weather is back, but only for a couple of days. It's a great day to light a candle, do some baking and prepare the kids for the return to school tomorrow.

Eric and I watched Food, Inc. the other night in my quest to get my head out of the sand. Wow! Needless to say we have really taken the information to heart and are working towards making positive food changes for the environment, people, animals and our family. We have a great responsibility, I believe.

So, with the New Year, onto a new challenge. It's good...I'm happy to do it...it's been a long time coming.

Notions

2010-01-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

Now that the Holidays are officially over, I can now refocus on my life as I know it. To bring you all up to speed, my week #13 of training went well. The kids were out of town, so I piled a swim and three bike rides (on the trainer...25, 26, and 44 miles...in the basement...ahhhh!) into Monday through Wednesday. Eric and I drove to New Mexico via Salida (love it there) on Thursday, ran in NM on Friday for 7 miles, drove home on Saturday, and ran 5.5 at home on Sunday morning. A good week, considering the change up in routine. I have a little swim left, that I am most likely going to bag.

Our half week, sans kids, was very nice. We saw a couple movies and ate out, took naps and chatted. I was able to pack away the Christmas decor...I love my house when it's back to "normal". The house stayed clean for more than an hour and we remembered why we married each other in the first place. By day 3, though, we were missing our children and realizing how much we love them. It's a good feeling to be reminded of these things :)

As mentioned in my previous post: "This next week I want to reflect on the past year and take stock. Praise myself for a job well done and be honest with myself about things that need some attention. I will be prayerfully intentional in this". It didn't really happen. Eric and I were having too much fun playing and I was working really hard on that trainer. So, the best I could come up with, while in NM was, "Train and get through this Ironman while keeping my kids alive and my marriage strong". A couple days later, as I'm struggling getting into my clothes, I've decided to refocus my eating strategy. I would love to lose a few pounds..nothing major..eat out less, eat fast food minimally, and focus on enjoying healthy, filling foods rather than stuffing my face randomly. I don't know. I hate making "goals" around food, but it just seems necessary right now. I have gotten off track and I'm trying to get back on again. I am asking a lot of my body, and the best thing (aside from rest) that I can do for this wonderful creation is feed it properly.

Week #14 is looking fine...rumors of travel for Eric loom, so my plans will need to be fluid and flexible. I will do my best and trust God to fill in those gaps. I am 1/3 the way through this thing. I must admit that on Friday, after my long run I nursed a sore knee. In that moment I let the thoughts creep in,"Why are you doing this? What do you have to prove? Maybe you should drop the whole thing". Believe me, I entertained them. I am wondering these things and there's a lot I don't know. The one thing I do know is, I will continue marching forward one day at a time, one workout at a time, trusting that at the end I will be thankful at all I have learned.

Reflecting...

2009-12-26T17:50:00.000-08:00

It was a wonderful Christmas Day. I think I was more excited than the kids were. I just love being able to give them some of the things they have really wanted and then to experience their gratitude and grace on the other side. It's a priceless thing for a parent when our kids express a "Thank You" or "That's OK, Mom, I understand". Wow. It's a true example of how our imperfect parenting is rewarded with these fabulous moments. That is True Grace!

My Week #12 wound up fine. I was scheduled to complete a short brick today (20 mi ride/3 mi run) but opted instead to run for about 5 miles. It was a beautiful, snowing morning and I needed some time alone to process the events of the past few days. Nothing helps me do that like a run in the snow. No GPS, no Heart Rate Monitor, no watch...just the dog, my Yaktrax, gloves, and hat. It was a magical run and a reminder of why I run.

I am so grateful for my relatively simple life right now. My Christmas season was relaxed (for the most part), full of family time and gratitude. I hope to carry this sense into the New Year, particularly in light of IM training. This next week I want to reflect on the past year and take stock. Praise myself for a job well done and be honest with myself about things that need some attention. I will be prayerfully intentional in this and hope that God will meet me clearly on this one. It looks like the kids are going home with Grandma and Grandpa from Monday to Thursday, so this will give me a great opportunity. So... a rest day tomorrow and then on to Week #13!!

Christmas, McDonalds, Presents, Etc.

2009-12-24T14:19:00.000-08:00

With Christmas on the horizon, I thought it would be a good idea to give an update. Training has gone marvelously this week. I love these stabilizer weeks especially when they fall on busy weeks (like Christmas).

Our time at home has been very quiet, so it worked nicely to bribe the kids with a movie and ride in the basement. My rides this week (22 and 23 miles) have involved watching "Supersize Me". I must admit that I haven't wanted to watch it because I do like my McD's. For many many years I did not allow myself to eat McDonalds, so about 8 years ago I brought it back in (not sure why) and often nothing will satisfy like a cheeseburger and fries. Granted, I'm one of those that doesn't need a ton so maybe the movie wasn't made for people like me, but as a Registered Dietitian, I wonder if I should change my stance. My thinking has been to allow it and have it when desired so it's not a big deal when it happens, then eventually one may lose the frequent taste for it. This documentary has revealed to me that this thinking may not be possible with our average American. What are your thoughts?

We have fun plans tonight for dinner with friends, on to church, then home for brownie/ice cream sundaes and opening of the pajamas. Don't tell the kids, but they are each getting a Snuggie. I think this is probably the gift I am most excited about. Every time we go to the store they point out the Snuggies.

I am proud of myself this Christmas. I have kept my expectations in check. I even stopped myself from vacuuming today, knowing it was a colossal waste of time, considering tomorrow it will be piled with paper, ribbon, tape, crumbs. Cinnamon rolls for breakfast, crackers and cheese for lunch and lasagna for dinner. Easy peasy.

Many, many wishes out to all of you for a blessed and wonderful Christmas. I am grateful for each and every one of my readers: family, friends and others. Thank you for wanting to read my thoughts. It makes me happy.

Week #11 recap

2009-12-20T07:00:00.001-08:00

My week #11 has ended on a good note. I managed to get in my required bike riding, running, and all but one short little itty bitty swim. I feel good about how it all shook out, considering the final week of school before Christmas. Next week is a stabilizer. At this point I think I will do okay, but one never knows the week of Christmas.

I watched "The Kiterunner" last night. I remember being impacted by the book, but not quite like this. I am floored by the evil perpetrated around the world. I have been praying lately that God would move my heart. I think he's doing it. I'm trying to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than plugging my ears and singing, "La la la la la" over and over again. I am trying not to feel impotent and useless, but rather take it all to the Lord in prayer and give it to him.

Believe it or not, I am short on words today. Merry Christmas to all of you. Enjoy your Sunday!!

Summary

2009-12-16T14:19:00.000-08:00

This week is progressing nicely with training. I am grateful for the workouts I've been able to accomplish. Monday was a 6.5 mile run, into the wind. Fortunately I had my friend T. to keep me from crying and turning around. She and I have such a nice time together. Tuesday was a ride in the basement for 80 minutes. That was awesome because I was able to catch up on the Biggest Loser Finale. I'm so happy that Danny won. Today I braved the December chill and rode my bike outside for 25 miles. I thought it was warmer than it was, so I've been cold all day! It was a good ride and I'm so glad it's over.

On to the next part of my day. Picking the kids up from school and enjoying the afternoon with no plans! Gotta love having no plans. I relish that this time of year when things can easily go nuts with the schedule and routine. Just two more days of school then they are home for 3 weeks...that scares me. We'll see how the workouts fit in then....or not.

Paths

2009-12-14T06:16:00.000-08:00

I rarely know what I'm going to say before I start typing. Most of my blog posts are streams of consciousness that becomes solidified in some form, by very little doing of my own.

I finished up week #10 very well considering the crazy weather we had upon us. I took Saturday off after my Friday brick and went against my "no Sunday workout" rule, and did a 6 mile run. It was lovely with lots of starts and stops...there is still tons of ice everywhere, especially on the neighborhood streets. Plus, I'm feeling like an awful dog owner, so it meant running for four miles then returning home to get my poor pup for the last two.

I am hopeful about the upcoming week. I have the plan all mapped out, but have learned to put very little stock into that. The Bible verse I claimed last week was, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6). I have loved that passage for a long time, but the promise took brand new meaning for me last week as I tried to fit it all in.

We watched The Nativity Story last night with the kids. I love that movie and how it brings to life all that Mary and Joseph went through...the opposition, judgment, fear, uncertainty, pain...to bring that little baby into the world in the most humble of ways. What a picture to see the shepherds, the outcasts of society, at the birth of our Lord. I am reduced to tears each and every time I consider it. Our God is so good, so perfect, that he knew exactly what we needed those 2009 years ago. I am so very grateful to know Him and claim His promises for all eternity. I am feeling equal parts blessing and longing this Christmas season. I wait in expectation for the Lord's return, but yet I feel so privileged to share in the promise and do my very best to live my life accordingly.

I hope this time for all of you is a chance to reflect on God's goodness and love while we navigate together the paths opened before us, no matter what they are. I pray you will all experience his grace and mercy in new and fresh ways.

I just needed to write

2009-12-10T20:48:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to write about the past couple of days...nothing terribly profound. I had a rough one yesterday with the kids that involved some interesting facebook posts, plus some curse words directed at them. I woke up very humbled this morning. I do have wonderful children, but somedays they should not be left alone with me, nor should we even be near one another.

Today was better as far as the kids are concerned. I watched my tongue and blood pressure. Andrew and I made it to the Rec Center for a swim. He agreed to go to child care for me so I could get my workout done, then he would join me afterwards. We made it to the parking lot and a very kind gentleman pointed out that my front tire was hissing and losing air very quickly (keeping in mind it's only 10 degrees outside). He offered to change my tire but I insisted "no". So, I called my husband and he took care of it for me while Andrew and I went about our plan. I am such a fortunate soul to be married to such a generous, capable man.

We had a great swim, grabbed McD's for lunch, had rest time, then Eric informed me at 2 P.M. that he needed to leave for the airport at 2:15 to fly to Connecticut. Poor guy. The minute he told me all of the weekend plans flashed through my head. Workouts? Hmmm. Book club? Hmmm.

I am reminded that there are no guarantees when it comes to this training thing. I have to do the best with what I have and trust that the rest will follow. It's tricky sometimes resting in that. I feel like this whole training week has been a struggle. Again, take advantage of the opportunities I have when I have them.

I will attempt my brick tomorrow while A. is in preschool...hopefully I can fit it all in...root for me please. At least it will be warmer...yahoooo!!!

Baby it's COLD outside...

2009-12-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

I know it is all everyone is talking about...how cold it is outside, but it's all we can think about. Everything is affected: schedules, clothing, food, workouts, vitamin D needs, energy levels of busy kids, school pick up and drop off, finding lost gloves. I love cold weather. I actually get disappointed when the temperatures start to rise because I love the excuse to hunker down, eat, drink hot beverages, and rest. After about a week, though, it gets a bit old.

Training for an Ironman is tricky when the weather is frigid. Fortunately, my generous husband rounded up a trainer for me, so I can get my rides done indoors. Swimming is not a problem...except for the part where I have to peel off twenty layers to get my swimsuit on and hop in the water...brrr. Running is where the rub is. I don't have a treadmill, nor do I have easy access to one, nor do I want one. I want to run outside every chance I get because it cleans me out: body, mind and soul. Since the warm up is supposed to happen tomorrow I will pile my three scheduled runs into the next three days. Not a biggie at this point, just so grateful to have other options and Yaktrax.

So far this week I have completed two bike rides (in the basement) and one swim. Left on the docket is: another swim, two runs (6.5 and 4 miles), and a brick (28 mile ride/5.5 mile run). There you have my next three days where workouts go....then I'm done with week #10...a quarter of the way through. Time is flying!

Enjoy the day, stay warm everyone!

Week #9 Ramblings

2009-12-04T06:05:00.001-08:00

Today is one of those mornings where I am just plain tired. It's been a busy week of Christmas shopping, holiday concerts, parties, and workouts. Granted, it is a stabilizer week so my training is lesser than usual. I woke up this morning thinking that I would just "put off" my swim for later in the weekend. Then I realized...this is nothing. I so need to push through my fatigue and do the workout. It's only going to get harder from here. I'm not injured or in pain or sick...just a little tired. Do it while I have the chance!!

My training week is coming along nicely, a couple rides, one run, two swims (after today), and a 24 mile ride tomorrow...which will have to be on the trainer. It's freezing outside.

Last night we celebrated my husband's sixth Christmas party for his businesses. It was a wonderful time to reflect on the past years and see the people and families represented around the table. I am so grateful and proud of his hard work, diligence, and heart. We have seen firsthand God's work.

So, onto another day and weekend. I am reminded of the amazing joy of this season as I look at our Christmas tree, filled to the brim with ornaments; the snow outside; and the warmth of our home. Hopefully I can maintain this spirit once the kids wake up. That's the real trick!

Thanksgiving Week

2009-12-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

Sooooo...week #8 was a bit of a different story. Holiday weeks are always tricky because there is the tender balance of achieving the training goal, completing the workouts, and spending time with the people you love the most. Thanksgiving week was all planned out...I was going to fit in at least one swim and two bike rides before going to New Mexico for the rest of the week on Tuesday. I love running there so I thought I would save those. Come Monday morning I woke up feeling nasty...some stomach bug I contracted, via food or virus I have no idea. It rendered me rather useless, aside from caring for the kids (home from school for the week). I laid around for the day, somewhat debating whether or not I should just hop on my trainer in the basement...NOT. Anyways, I managed a tempo ride on Tuesday morning, then we headed out of town. I completed my runs (no pun intended) in Angel Fire and had a wonderful time by myself, running in the gorgeous mountains. We came home on Saturday and I did the scheduled brick (24 ride/5 mile run) on Sunday before church. I could not believe how great I felt!

On another note, I have been struggling internally for the past month or so with contentment and self worth (nothing new for me) as evidenced by my blog posts. My time in Angel Fire with God really brought me some healing and answers. It was priceless. One of the questions I asked him in my prayer time was, "When the voices are swirling how do I know which one is yours?" I felt this very clear response, which was, "Mine is the quietest one". Wow!! It blew me away....He is so good! I love how I can wrestle and struggle, then finally surrender, and he comes in in his sweet and perfect time to give the answer I so desperately needed.

My Thanksgiving was perfect in every way! I was filled with rest, gratitude, time with family, laughter, and a full heart (and tummy).

Week #7 recap

2009-11-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

I am nearly wrapped up with week #7...one more long bike ride this afternoon, then it's over. I have felt so good that I have to be grateful. I managed to fit in 2 swims (1000-1300 yards), 2 bike rides (22 and 25 miles) with a 34 scheduled for today, and 2 runs (4.5 and 5 miles).

I look forward to next week, but it will be interesting to see how it all pieces together. The kids are home all week from school and we are heading down to NM for Thanksgiving. I will try to pack in at least one swim and two bike rides (hopefully) into Monday and Tuesday and run while in Angel Fire. It's wonderful to run there so I like to take advantage of it.

Last night, 10 HEPsters gathered for a swim clinic with our coach Craig and Neal Henderson of the Boulder Center for Sports Medicine (BCSM). We were each followed with a camera viewing our stroke from all angles and received feedback afterwards. Needless to say, I have a lot to work on, but such good information to have. It should be interesting to see how my swims progress over the season.

Right now we are having a relaxing morning as a family, ready to pop in the new Ice Age movie. I don't get many Saturday mornings with nothing to do, so I must enjoy it.

Holes: Part Two

2009-11-17T06:03:00.000-08:00

So, I want to revisit what I wrote about yesterday. I was venting, very frustrated and in a hurry so I didn't get to fully convey what I wanted.

Over the weekend (which is rather typical for me) I was in a state of longing. I felt like a piece of swiss cheese, just full of holes. I wanted this and didn't want to do that...blah, blah, blah. The internal dialogue was exhausting and I felt very frustrated with myself. Here I have this great life - healthy kids, a husband who loves me, good friends, great opportunities, a vibrant faith - yet I sometimes cannot get past the new thing(s) I want.

God revealed to me this morning, in my prayer time, that He is once again trying to pry away all the tools and crutches I've used to fill the places that can only be filled by Him. In my life some examples are: cars, houses, decorating, coffee, diet coke, candy, exercise, racing, training, internet, praise and admiration from others, to name a few. I was reminded (for what seems the bazillionth time) that nothing offered by this world will fully satisfy. It doesn't mean any of this stuff is bad or wrong, they just will never be enough. I will ALWAYS want more...greedy thing that I am.

So, with that said, I hope it clears it up for you all. I am feeling so much love and encouragement from my Heavenly Father. He is so good, all of the time, even when it doesn't look that way. I do know that he is faithful. I am incredibly grateful for his work in my life and that he doesn't settle for my little idols.

I had a wonderful run yesterday (obviously needed it) and will hopefully swim today while A. is in his swim lesson. Pretty easy day ahead (at least at this point...one never knows).

Holes

2009-11-16T07:32:00.001-08:00

I have a few minutes before sending the kids out the door and getting the other one to preschool this morning. My week 6 wrapped up nicely. I managed to fit in all workouts with some time to spare, which allowed me to have two days off this weekend. I wanted to be able to hit these next two weeks with as much energy as possible. After the weekend, I am rethinking the wisdom of my plan for so much rest.

It seems that when I'm not physically tired and challenged by the training, I just don't need that much rest. Do you know what that means for a weekend? It means my mind goes a million miles per hour trying to figure out how to fill my time instead of just being. I think about painting...I want to paint, or spending money...not just on something small, but BIG. I cannot turn it off either. Then I ruminate over how fortunate I am and why am I being so discontent, which just fuels the fire.

This is nothing new, believe me. Many a weekend have been riddled with these thoughts, pressures and feelings. I really have no idea what to do about it. I just know, for a fact, that I have a ton of holes that I want to fill with things, exercise, goals, experiences... Will these fill those empty places? No! I guess the answer is prayer, patience, and extending grace to myself. I don't know what else to do.

I get to run this morning for about 5 miles with some hill repeats worked in. It's a cold, crisp, sunny day with snow on the ground, so it will add a nice change of scenery.

Voices in my Head

2009-11-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

Today I went on a 20 mile ride. I was supposed to do 6 minutes of Armstrong Intervals. Huh? Anyways, it's riding while standing up in zone 4. I "tried" to do 1 minute of low cadence followed by 1 minute high cadence. I must have looked like a freak. I am already rather uncertain on my bike, then to be standing up for 6 minutes while pedaling at a rapid pace. I managed to get most of it done, but really decided that I will let Lance Armstrong be Lance Armstrong. I do not need to aspire to be him, even in my cycling. Granted, he is pretty amazing.

Here is the dialogue I had with myself when I realized I had to do these boogers. "Ah, just skip it, ride in zone 4 for 6 minutes and be done with it." Or, "Just do it, what's your problem. It's new, try it". I seem to have these ongoing voices in my head whether they are related to the workout or greater things that threaten how I think or feel about myself and others.

Lately (or forever) I've had this struggle with "the last 5 pounds". Sometimes they seem like they are on their way gone, and other times they turn into 10. Constantly I deal with the voices surrounding my weight. "Man, Jen, if you would just lose that last 5 or 10, think about how much faster you would be"; or "Your clothes sure are feeling tight today, maybe you should get moving and not eat so much". The dialogue is never ending...in fact, I joke, "I really love being with myself, the voices in my head keep me company". I waste so many waking hours pondering and listening to them. I have come a long way in recent years, but I am never completely free.

I know Ironman will not squelch these voices. I know Ironman is not the answer for my "issues". They will be with me forever. However, I do have the knowledge and power to combat them. It is just whether or not I choose to pay attention. I love this verse in 2 Corinthians 10:5: We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Here I am reminded that I have a responsibility to lay each and every one of those words/voices/negative ideas before God and let him have my insecurities.

Who knows about those 5 pounds? Maybe it's time to move on and accept, or not, I don't know...haven't figured it out yet. I do know that I will never ride like Lance Armstrong...and I am totally OK with that.

Tomorrow is a lovely swim at the rec center, on to an abbreviated brick Friday (or Saturday).

A Little Bit of Down

2009-11-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

These last couple weeks of training have been fantastic. I have looked forward to my workouts, my adjusted zones have been so good for me, and (drum roll, please) I AM LOVING MY BIKE!!! I never thought I would see myself write such a thing... I am actually looking forward to and enjoying being on my bike. That was probably one of my biggest concerns signing up for Ironman. It is such a good feeling.

Last week's training wrapped up well. I finished off the week with a nice "little" brick of a 21 mile ride/4 mile run. My wonderful neighbor and friend took the kids on Saturday morning so I could get it out of the way (after a wasted attempt with the wind the day before). I really despise having a workout hanging over my head, so it was nice to be able to do it first thing in the morning. Some people, I know, seem to love to workout at all times of day, but if I don't get it done (particularly running) early in the day I will find every excuse to avoid it. Or I will agonize over the impending workout for hours, affecting all around me.

So, with that said, I enter into a stabilizer week. I always welcome stabilizer...try to fit all the workouts in, but if I need to bail, I try to. I ran with a cherished friend this morning. We have only been running now for a couple of months, but it has become the highlight of my workout week. I adore our conversations and feel exercised, spiritually challenged, and encouraged all at the same time...perfect combination! Today was a difficult effort for both of us. I just felt a little bit down...never really know what to attribute this to, but tried to be present in our conversation today. She said many things that hit a chord in me. I am so grateful for the people in my life that challenge my assumptions and notions.

I am excited for Ironman, but really trying to be present in each workout. I cannot get ahead of myself because the prospect of all the work that lies ahead scares the *&^? out of me.

A Decade of Mothering

2009-11-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

Well, today marks a huge milestone - my oldest child, Brooks, turns 10. Ten years as a mother...a decade!! I would like to say these have been the best years of my life. In some respects I will say they have been, but in others, the hardest and most painful. My new saying (that I try not to say too often, especially to new parents) is, "Aside from the death of my mother, these have been the hardest years of my life". I also would like to say that I love being a mom and it's the most fulfilling job I will ever have (may be true in the long run, but short term not always so). Before I had children I had many notions of the kind of mother I would be...particularly a "sandbox" mom...where I would be in the thick of it with my childrens' games and imaginations. Not so much! In fact, the idea puts me into a cold sweat.

Here are a few things I have learned over the past 10 years:

I am not as patient as I thought I was.
I have learned to have very low expectations so that I am often pleasantly surprised.
I am capable of great love and sacrifice.
I am capable of saying words I never thought would come out of my mouth.
I am capable of "speaking" (screaming) in a way that is loud, evil, and causes my throat pain (think Satan).
I am capable of incredible levels of both fear and worry.
I have learned, through being a mother, how fiercely God loves, protects, and forgives me.
I have learned that when my gut is telling me not to do (or say) something, I should probably listen, although rarely do.
I have learned that giving unconditionally to my kids will not fulfill me. Sometimes they come first and sometimes I do. I absolutely need goals and things to look forward to beyond myself (hence triathlons) that involve my strengths, desires, and passions.
I have learned that there is a season for everything...some are longer than others.
I have learned that my children love me deeply and desire to forgive me when I screw up. They are constantly demonstrating grace to me.
I have learned that God gives us more than we can handle so we rely upon him.
I believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my marriage deserves MORE intentionality than my children do over the course of time. Eric's and my love, respect, and commitment for one another is the best gift (along with our faith) we can give to our kids.
I have learned the importance of living a life of authenticity. As mothers and women, we do way too much comparing, to the detriment of our relationships. We will do each other all a favor if we can just be honest about how hard this job is.

I hope I do not sound "down" on motherhood. I am not. It has been the single greatest tool God has used to teach me about my "brokenness" as a human being and the harm I am capable of inflicting on those I love the most. I am constantly humbled by these truths.

With all that said, I love the life I lead. I love my role and responsibility as a mother. I know myself better. I know my heart, my mind, and the gifts I give to my children of a listening ear; a hearty hug; a goofy song (generally about poop and farts); a date night with my husband; a game of Monopoly, Candy Land, etc...; a truthful word; a surprise gift; a conversation in the hot tub; a bike ride; a cuddle on the couch; a story in bed...

I have been reading in Ecclesiastes these past few mornings. It says, "A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment." (Ecclesiastes 2:24-25). This reminds me to trust and surrender my days to Him, to rely upon Him for the strength I need and know He is working in and through me for His good purposes....always.

So, on to the next decade of mothering...I'm sure I'll have a lot of different things to say when I'm dealing with teenagers and college students. I'll settle in here for awhile and not get ahead of myself.

I found it!

2009-11-01T19:25:00.001-08:00

I have officially completed my first 4 weeks of training. It feels very good. In my last post I was struggling with motivation and inspiration. I found it! All I needed was a fabulous bike ride. Eric and I went yesterday for around 29 miles. We managed to get out around 3 p.m. after a day of doing the "maybe I should, maybe I shouldn'ts". So glad we did...beautiful and warm outside...a great reminder of why I am doing this thing.

The coming week is looking great, a couple swims packed into Andrew's swim lesson time; two bike rides; two runs and one brick (bike/run). I can't wait to get moving, but loved, loved, loved my day off :)

Happy Monday tomorrow! I'm ready to go.

Wondering

2009-10-30T10:45:00.000-07:00

I am almost at the end of week 4 of training, one more bike ride to go (30 miles), hopefully tomorrow if the roads are OK after our snowfall. It's been a good week and nice to get back into the groove after a mellow week last week. Today was a 45 minute run...it was the coldest, darkest morning yet. My GPS/heart rate monitor was not charged, so I didn't have the feedback I am used to. Sometimes that is a blessing because I can take a break from constantly checking my heart rate and think about other things.

In my prayertime, before my run, I spent some time wondering what the point of all this is. Don't get me wrong...I feel very "called" to this Ironman thing and I will see it through to the best of my ability, but I have not been feeling it. I've been just going through the motions and getting it done which makes me question how much I don't do in my life because I don't feel inspired or encouraged. What things do I know that I need to do but am lacking inspiration? Does this make sense? I'm not sure if it does to me either. I think part of it is having so many other things on my plate (mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, helper, etc) that this ONE thing of Ironman just can't define me. Maybe it's God's way of keeping me in equilibrium and focused on Him as my source of guidance, inspiration, and encouragement. Instead of relying upon my own strength, I put it out there for Him to provide the wherewithal that keeps me moving forward.

On another subject, I had two Lactate Threshold Tests last week...one for the bike and the other run. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, here's the general gist. For my running test they had me run on a treadmill at a very easy intensity (think one step up from walking). Paul (the "tester" for lack of a better word) would take my blood at 4 minute intervals after ramping up the speed of the treadmill, so every 4 minutes I would run faster. As the intensity/speed increased I worked harder (obviously) and the lactate levels in my blood rose with my heart rate. At a given heart rate, different for everyone, the body stops clearing the lactate from the blood effectively and that is the point when we can say that we have a limited amount of exercise left in us. From this information, my 5 training/heart rate zones were then determined. This is very useful for training purposes so that each workout is not wasted (something I cannot afford in my life). Zone 1 is easy/recovery; zone 2 is a little harder, where about 75% of my workouts should be; zone 3 is harder, a marathon could be run here; zone 4 is where I think, "What the Hell am I doing? I paid money for this? I feel like crap"; and zone 5 is survival running, like from a lion. Much of an Ironman is performed in zones 2 and 3, so it's helpful to train appropriately so my body knows how to work most efficiently for what I'm training for. The most interesting thing I learned last week is that I have a 16 beats per minute (bpm) heart rate difference between cycling and running. This is huge for me, because I have felt awful on my bike because I've been using "run" data, which is not accurate. My heart works much harder when I run than when I bike.

It's fascinating information to have and a very useful tool for training more effectively and efficiently. I learned that I have been running too hard recently and need to pay more attention to keeping my effort in zones 1 and 2. It is so easy to think that it all needs to be faster and harder instead of steady and enjoyable. I mean, why do it if it isn't enjoyable? There is a time to be miserable, just doesn't have to be all the time.

Life is good, no complaints...moving forward happily, steadily and focused!

Parenting Corner

2009-10-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

I just had a great little conversation with a friend as we were walking home from kid drop-off at school. She was sharing about the rough morning she had with her oldest. She said she knew from the moment he woke up that it would be a bad one, and how proud she was that she was able to hold it together while helping him prepare. At the last minute, though, when they were about to leave the house it all blew apart...she yelled and probably said some things she regretted (at least I do in those circumstances). In my experience, these are the moments in parenting that really stink. You send your precious child (although, not really thinking that at the time) off into the big world with broken hearts (not really thinking this either).

Thus my new motto: To the degree that you hold it together with your kids, spouse, ____ (insert name here) is the degree to which you will blow it with them.

On a training note...had my first Lactate Threshold Test of the week on Tuesday. It went very well and am looking forward to number two tomorrow. I will share my interpretation of the results in a later post.

Happy Fall Day!

Time Away

2009-10-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

It's funny, now that I have a blog, how much of my time is spent thinking about it...theme ideas, avoidance, guilt, clever things to say. I apologize to my loyal fan base that I have been MIA these past couple of weeks. I will fill you in on the happenings.

Last weekend my sister and I met Trevor in Chicago for the marathon. We had a wonderful weekend of food, laughter and processing life events. I love the life he has carved out for himself there, including a lovely, turn of the century apartment; his cat Frank; his music; friends; and amazing restaurants. I have never spent time in Chicago and immediately fell in love with the city and its people. The marathon went very well and he ran/walked his way to a 6:27 finish. Julie and I ran the last half with him and were able to experience being part of a marathon when they start closing up shop...the Gatorade tables were being dumped, the "course closing" car was on our heels and the sides of the street were not as lined with people as I expected for a 50,000 participant race. Needless to say, it was a good experience being on this side of the coin. Julie was able to pick up some amazing couture from the side of the road as many casted their clothing aside while the temperatures warmed up...barely. Trevor said it looked like the two of us were fleeing our homeland as we wrapped scarves, hydration systems, running shirts around our waists and stuffed our pockets full of mittens and ear covers. It was rather hilarious.

My second week of training has happened rather uneventfully. I have lost a bit of the excitement as some weeks are just "get 'er done" weeks. That's OK. I managed my first brick of the season yesterday...a 19 mile ride/3.5 mile run with lots of zone 3 repeats (more on zones later). It was good but I was tired.

My parents and Aunt arrived in town Wednesday so my focus is less on training and more on enjoying their presence in my home. We spend so little time together that when we do, it is precious. This ironman thing is such a part of my life, not my whole life...I have so many other things that make me who I am. So, it is important for me to recognize when to take a step back and experience other events and people.

Coming up this week.....

It's a stabilizer week. In my Ironman plan, I have two weeks on and one week kinda off. So, for objective training purposes I get to go to the Boulder Center for Sports Medicine and have two Lactate Threshold Tests done...bike and run. I will post the results and explanations of this later. It is very useful and fun information to have...believe me!

Week number two...down...a lot more to go!

Bravery vs. Stupidity

2009-10-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

I just returned from an 18 mile bike ride. Supposedly we are between two arctic storms...yesterday the high was 35 or something ridiculous like that. Today was supposed to be nice, then cold tomorrow, again. Weather Underground stated that ice pellets were in the forecast, no joke. So, I thought with my new resolve to ride outside no. matter. what. that I would give it a go. Usually, if there's a slight breeze, there's no sun, or it's below 50 degrees I say "no way". However, today I had something to prove.

I jimmied my pants and wore my capris with leg warmers over the top. Not the best idea...two slick fabrics joined together result in severe slippage. I spent a large portion of the ride hiking my pooled leg warmers back up over my knees. I don't have shoe covers so I went without. Bad idea. The breeze picked up as I rode and it seemed I had a headwind in 3 directions...not sure why that is...maybe it's because I was traveling at such high speeds. The sun didn't show itself until the end of my ride and my feet lost all feeling about a quarter of the way in.

So, now I'm left with the notion that I need to be careful. I need to exercise caution and common sense. Colorado weather is wonderful but not to be messed with. There is a balance between bravery and stupidity...but I have yet to figure out what that is.

I'm headed to Chicago today to watch my brother run his first marathon. I'm so proud of him and his efforts. It should be a great weekend enjoying the festivities and not having to run...yahoo!!

23 mile bike ride

2009-10-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Today I rescheduled my long ride from the weekend as I am headed out of town on Friday to watch my brother, Trevor, run his first marathon in Chicago. My sister and I are going to support him in this wonderful experience.

My ride turned out to be 23, just because I didn't feel like tacking on 3 miles of random loops and traffic. It was a lovely morning, sunny, a little breezy, around 50 degrees. The trees are all changing and the mountains have a dusting of snow...a perfect time to think and get away.

For some reason, cycling is the most difficult for me of the three sports. I don't know how to feel awful on my bike, like I do running. I worry about being hit by a motorist, getting a flat, or death. Often, particularly early in the season, my concern can overwhelm me. I find that I have to force myself and just do it. Once I'm on the road it's all good...unless it's windy or precipitating.

My goal is to do as many rides outdoors as I can through the winter, but chances are I will be in my basement A LOT! I will get caught up on all my Newsweeks, People Magazines, movies, and Oprah episodes.

Tomorrow is a 3.5 mile tempo run and a 1000 yard swim...good times!!

Foundations

2009-10-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

The only thing on the training agenda for today was an 800 yard tempo swim. At this point, it's almost like what's the point...a half mile swim...when I know that in 9 months I will be doing 5 times that. It works out nicely because Andrew has his Alligator swim class in the adjacent pool...so I whip through my workout, he and I get some hot tub time together then hit the showers.

Everything builds from here...the duration and intensity of every workout is so important right now because I am gathering the foundation. If I were to jump immediately into the larger workouts I would be a mental and physical mess. It is crucial I put in these "minor" workouts to build to the major ones...these easy weeks gradually move into the difficult weeks. The funny thing is that half the problem is the mental challenge presented, fitting all of life's pieces together. My blog is named "Puzzled" because that's what it feels like much of the time. When I get my training schedule on Saturday for the following week, I must take stock of everything else on my life's agenda...Eric's schedule, sports schedules, school schedules, church schedules, volunteer schedules, play dates, date nights, childcare options...you get the picture. Some weeks I look at what is in front of me and literally break out into a sweat and wonder how in the world it's all going to work. What has to give? How am I going to be a decent person, mother, wife and friend? How am I going to love my children as they need? I must say that many days I look back on the hours and collapse in despair, other days I rejoice or at least give a quick "hooray". I have learned that nothing is permanent. I have a tendency - when having a bad week, month or season - to think it is never going to change, that I am stuck. However, I see the changes that need to be made and eventually everything reaches a new, working normal, until something else gives...it's totally fluid.

So, at this stage of my training, I will put in my time, build my strength and cherish the ability to have some aimlessness. Meanwhile, I surrender (there's that word again) my schedule and the complete craziness of some weeks while trusting that God has it in his hands. I love the verse: "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). It reminds me that He is good. That I must rest in Him and know that He loves me and knows my dreams, my goals, my training, my desires. When I give Him what is most important to me, He returns it more fully.

So, on to the crazy afternoon that lies ahead...school, soccer, gymnastics, dinner, bathtime, bedtime, homework.... It's just one day...not forever. Amen!!

Perfection

2009-10-05T13:34:00.000-07:00

So, today it begins. No more of this "do whatever I want" mentality. Now it starts...day number 1. Actually my week is pretty easy compared to what I was doing for the half ironman race I did in August. I think it has to do more with the formality of what I'm training for.

Ever since I can remember I've struggled with the "right way to do things". Where does that come from? I tend to be a rather perfectionistic individual. If it doesn't get done the right way, then it shouldn't be done at all, and therefore I have failed. You can probably guess that I need to work on that, which I have been. In the interim period, these past two months, I managed to paint many of my oak cabinets. We moved into this lovely, large home about a year ago and I knew that the oak would make me crazy. So, one week, about a month ago I started painting...black. I have to say that in the middle of my kitchen project, when I saw things weren't turning out "perfectly" I had a breakdown of sorts...couldn't sleep, cried, and had a moment of panic where I thought, "I shouldn't have even started this ____ project." What happened to "good enough"? What happened to "I did my best"? Why is perfection the standard when it is completely unattainable?

I look around me, in my community, my country, media and so much of it screams "YOU HAVE TO BE PERFECT TO BE WORTHY". Where did that come from? As I begin Ironman training, knowing I can only do my best, and every day is different, I have to be at peace with the process. I have to be at peace in the journey. I have to know that every day is a new day and every morning (or every moment) I must surrender all things over to the God of the Universe. I will do my best and I will wonder if I am good enough, but at least I know that He is perfect so I don't have to be.

Hmmm...heavy stuff for Day 1...lots of things rattling around in my brain. I am excited to see what this week brings.

Gotta go...kiddo needs a snack.

2009-10-03T11:16:00.001-07:00

Introduction

2009-10-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, hard to believe that I have a blog. I have never been confident in my writing ability but I love to talk...so maybe we can all view this as an opportunity for me to talk while writing...far less intimidating that way.

I commence my Ironman training on Monday morning for Ironman Coeur d'Alene (Idaho) on June 27, 2010. I was one of those people who thought Ironman triathletes were a crazy and neurotic bunch. Maybe they still are and I am now one of those...not new news to anyone but me apparently.

I have been participating in triathlons off and on over the past 10 years, but have taken a more serious approach the past four years or so, after the birth of my youngest. I had the incredible opportunity to qualify for and run the Boston Marathon in '08...a decade long dream. So, here I am now tackling the next thing on the docket.

It seems that this journey is like gestation. Forty or so weeks from now until the big day. At this point I'm in the state of waiting, wondering and expectation. I hear and read about it from others, but until I experience it for myself (like labor and childbirth) I will not know. Through this time I will be challenged physically, mentally and spiritually as I prioritize and plan how my time and energy will be spent.

I am incredibly grateful to God that he has worked in me to give me wonderful things; to my husband for encouraging me, loving me, and providing childcare; my coach for his expertise and confidence; to my children for their constant questions as to why I would do such a thing; and to my friends, family and training partners who believe in me.

With this I know embark on my journey of training and blogging. I will do my best to keep you posted on new truths, challenges, and the ways in which I experience the power that has been placed in me. Thank you for reading.